Watching paint dry

That's how I feel about the phase of my cycle I am in right now. I feel like I am watching the paint dry while I wait for that + opk. If it is like last month, then I should get a surge on Sunday and ovulate on Monday sometime. But, as we all know, my ovulation day has been known to move around. We'll see what happens. I am totally afraid that I won't be able to get off from work or that I will miss my surge or something. Hopefully I am wrong on all accounts!

My acupuncturist is feeling really good about our upcoming IUI. I am trying not to get myself too excited over it. It's not that I don't want it to work...it's just I don't want to be crushed if it doesn't work...especially with it being Christmas. I had a really good session last night. I felt very calm and relaxed and my whole body felt like it was buzzing! It was just what I needed.

Doubtful me

I guess I could technically start to test now. I am 9dpo. Honestly, I don't even have the urge to take a HPT. I guess I just really don't think I am pregnant. I have the usual symptoms of PMS...swollen breasts, fatigue. But honestly, nothing out of the ordinary except for a few light cramps last night before going to bed. I think they were caused by acupuncture. He tried a few new points.

This week has wiped me out. I have been doing the workload of 2 different people and quite frankly, it has worn me out. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight. At least I have the whole weekend off. I am working a 14 hour day tomorrow but then I have all weekend off!

Blah Friday...

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

I don't know why, I am just having a down day. I am waiting to ovulate, but I honestly don't think that this cycle will be any different than the others. It will end in spotting and disappointment. Hubby and I are doing our thing and maybe one day we'll have a nice surprise at the end of a cycle, but today, I just don't feel optimistic. Hell, at this point, I don't even feel like I am going to ovulate any time soon. Today I just wish I could stay st home and lounge around in my PJS, eat ice cream, and watch terrible Lifetime movies that make my life look like a cake walk.

I had a good acupuncture appointment. I definitely felt a lot of swirling and heaviness in my body, particularly my pelvic area. I told my acupuncturist that I am seeing my doctor next week about progesterone supplements and he doesn't seem to happy with that. I think he wants me to hold off and see if the herbs work, but I have been trying that. My gut is that I need these supplements to have a normal cycle, so I am going with my gut and asking my doctor if I can start them now instead of waiting for my IUI. I am tired of the spotting and short cycles. I am just tired. Acupuncture has been great for making me ovulate earlier, but it hasn't helped with the spotting. I am tired of living this way. Now I have to see if my doctor agrees, but if he is okay with it, I am starting the progesterone. It can't hurt to try, right?

Additionally, I think I am feeling a little nervous/upset with the thought of going to my nephews 3rd birthday party. I just feel so out of place there. Everyone else is a mom, talking about mom things. I am literally the only one without kids. And it hurts to stand there and listen to them. I will go for my nephew...I LOVE him to pieces, but honestly, I just don't want to stay long. I know its not good to be in my little shell too much, but sometimes I have to do it to protect me. Sometimes it just hurts too much to be WITH everyone else in their fertile world. We're supposed to go to the shore with hubby's family the following weekend. Honestly, I just don't want to go. I am sure I will have fun with the kids, but I just feel like being selfish right now and not going. There is tension because of family drama that I just don't want to deal with. My mother-in-law tends to be controlling. The kids remind me of what I am missing in my life. Maybe I will feel better about it next week, but right now, the thought of going makes me want to cry.

Another cycle done...with some improvement

I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
Yes I admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine

Well, Aunt Flow finally made her appearance on Saturday about half an hour before I went off to work. (Why does that always happen before I work a shift at the restaurant?) Although I had TONS of spotting, my luteal phase was better...it was 11 days long...a big improvement from the 8 day luteal phase I have been having. I am not sure if it was acupuncture or herbs or just a fluke, but I will take it. At least it is an improvement. Now if I could do that next month without all the spotting, I'd be a happy girl!

I had a lucrative weekend at work. If I am going to work all weekend and forgo a day off, then I want it to at least be worth my time...and this weekend it was. I had a lot of really nice people and some cute kids in my section. I also got a ton of compliments about my service which always makes me feel good.

Friday night we met my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and my nephews for dinner. My oldest nephew insisted we come to "his" house after dinner, which we did. We played and had a good time. We're babysitting this Friday...we look forward to hanging out with the kids.

Follow-up with good-old Gyno

So every day we'll be happy I know
Now I know that you won't leave me no more

It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh
It won't be long yeh, yeh

I had a follow-up appointment with my gyno today. I haven't seen him since last November or December when he prescribed 100mg of clomid. At that point we found out that hubby's sperm count did not return. We've spent all this time trying to get hubby's issues on the right track, so it's time for me to start looking at my LPD.

I brought hubby along this time to meet the doctor. We sat down and discussed everything that has happened in the last 6 months and what the course of treatment will be for my husband. Then we discussed what needs to happen for me. At this point, he wants to hold off doing an HSG until we have a good enough number for an IUI. When we get a good enough SA, I'll schedule the HSG. He is referring me to a friend of his, an RE, who can do an IUI for us when we have good enough numbers. Although I still have to meet with the RE, he predicts we will probably do 100mg of clomid + progesterone supplements for the IUI as my P4 levels were only 8.6 (low, but showing that I did ovulate). The doctor was very reassuring. He said assuming hubby's numbers come back (which chances are pretty good according to both my doctor and hubby's), he thinks we will be able to have our own child. It's always good to hear that news.

My doctor also was able to refer us to a local lab where hubby can give the deposit he needs to for the SA. It will avoid us a long train ride and just be easier for us to schedule.

My doctor also told me to keep going to acupuncture. He said acupuncture can do great things and that he has patients that have gotten pregnant through acupuncture. So, keep on going...especially since I seem to be ovulating earlier in my cycle with the acupuncture. (Twice I have ovulated on day 17 instead of day 20+). And the doc also said to keep on trying on our own in the meantime...he said maybe as hubby's numbers come up, things will work out on their own. But at least we have a plan for the future. It makes me feel better!

As for acupuncture, I have graduated to every other week now. My acupuncturist thinks that should be adequate. It will save us some serious cash. He thinks hubby would benefit from weekly right now as he is transitioning off the meds, but hubby should be able to go to every other week in a month or so. Yippee!

Long sleepless night

It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log

Poor hubby has now entered the dangerous emotional crazy zone that I am in. My period has left me feeling quite tired and emotional this month. Unfortunately, at the same time, hubby's testosterone detox has also entered the emotional stage. The two of us can burst into tears at any time for no apparent reason. We can also get angry in about 2 seconds flat. Luckily, my symptoms should be gone in a few days...hopefully it will be the same for hubby. As he said, "I now know how a woman feels once a month..."

Last night neither of us slept. It wasn't because either of us are worried or anything. Poor hubby had a severe headache from heat and testosterone withdrawal. I kept tossing and turning from the heat, cramps, and nightmares. At one point I believe we were both crying. I have a new rule...only one of us can be hormonal at a time. On the upside, I think we are doing a good job of just giving each other the space and support when it is needed even though we both feel like poop.
We're both exhausted today. Hopefully, acupuncture will help both of us tonight. If nothing else, it should help us to sleep better.

On the way home, I want to grab a care package for our friends. Our friend Natalie is in premature labor. She is only 30 weeks along, so we're all praying that they can hold off labor for awhile longer and give the baby a better chance. She had her first child quite early as well...I believe 8 weeks. I want to make up a little care package of magazines, chocolate, and a card to help her through her hospital stay.

On the upside, hubby has another job interview next week. Hopefully, it will be THE one.

Waiting...

Life is very short
And there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend

Well, nothing too exciting to report here. Hubby is still looking for a job. We're still waiting to go to the specialist. And above all, we're still in the same infertile position as before. Last cycle was a wash...literally the same cycle as I always have. Hopefully this cycle will show some improvement.

At some point, I am going to have to make a decision on how long to stick with acupuncture. Financially, it's a burden. However, while my luteal phase hasn't improved yet, I am feeling better (less tired, etc.) I am not sure at what point I decide that the acupuncture isn't worth the amount of money I am sinking into it.

I hate how much indecision infertility adds to things. With each step we take we second guess ourselves and wonder if we are doing the right thing. At least the specialist appointment is coming up. Once we know what is going on with DH's side of things, then I will look into getting into an RE for my side of things.

Moving forward

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It's been a week about moving forward with life. Despite a severe sinus headache, I've been trying to remain positive and not focus too much on my cycle. Instead, hubby and I have been just trying to remain focused on our relationship and keeping the spark alive. We've been spending quality time together...playing games, watching movies, hugging, kissing, and snuggling.

We both had our acupuncture appointments yesterday. Hubby's acupuncturist asked if he has been feeling more "potent" to which he answered yes. I have to say his drive has definitely been up...whether or not we make a baby, at least we're having some fun!

My acupuncturist was running behind a bit. I just chilled out and relaxed...listened to the music and fountains in the background. When he came in, Andy and I discussed how I felt (good with the exception of my headache.) He put in a number of new points this time..including a few on my head and neck for my headache. I felt like my body was buzzing all over. And the points he put in my heels were SUPER intense. I often wonder what makes some points intense on some days and not others. Hopefully, he brought on ovulation and a longer Luteal phase.

We have also told the last of our immediate family about the issues we are facing. We certainly didn't mean to wait to tell hubby's sister. Unfortunately, it was just a matter of either non-family members being around when we were with her or being interrupted by the kids when we were on the phone. Hubby said that she got quiet and told him that she was so sorry that we are going through all of this. So, that's out of the way. Now we just will continue the acupuncture and herbs and wait for June 4th.

And lastly, hubby has been out of work since January when he was laid off. He's had several interviews, but the process is going slowly with 80 people applying to one job. He got a call for a second interview today. He goes on Monday. God, I hope he gets this job...it would certainly make things a little easier!

I'm trying hard to not focus on Mother's day. It's hard when every other commercial on TV is for Mother's Day. Especially the darn Hallmark commercial. I will be going to my SIL's for Mother's Day. At least the kids will keep me distracted. I keep telling myself that good things are around the corner for us...I just know it. I keep praying for it, too!

Just the two of us...me and my cycle

Two of us sending postcards
Writing letters on my wall.
You and me burning matches,
Lifting latches on our way back home.

We're on our way home,
We're on our way home,
We're going home.

I triumphantly walked into my acupuncture session last night and presented my chart. Andy was super excited to see such changes already beginning to happen. He even told me that I had a "textbook" ovulation chart. Imagine my surprise in having the word "textbook" ever applied to my chart in a good way. The last time those words were uttered by someone while looking at my chart it was my GYN saying "You have a textbook case of luteal phase deficiency."

So, I'm waiting now to see what happens with the rest of my cycle. I know that I shouldn't expect changes all at once...this is not what this process is about. I am afraid to hope that my luteal phase may actually be a little more normal. I am afraid to hope because I am afraid that like every other cycle, my hope will be crushed with the first signs of spotting...the point where I know this cycle is going to be like EVERY OTHER cycle I've had since coming off the nuvaring. Infertility is like that. I have this hope at the beginning of each cycle that maybe this one will be different. By the end of my cycle, I am a crying mess; hopes crushed once again. So, you can understand why I am cautiously optimistic.

We're on a forced break from TTC. Hubby's acupuncturist told him to wait 3 months before TTC again. So, we have 2 more months to go and then we'll be given the green light again. Hopefully, by that point, we'll actually have a shot at conceiving.

Heaven with needles

Golden Slumbers fill your eyes,
Smiles awake you when you rise.

So, as I mentioned before, I've been working on my fertility issues with some acupuncture. So far, I have been LOVING it. I have never been so relaxed. Last night was no exception.

Andrew was running a little late last night. I just laid down on the table and listened to the relaxing music he had playing in the background. After a busy day of hustle and bustle, it was nice to just lay there and not have to do anything or be anywhere. If he waited a few more minutes, I probably would have fallen asleep.

Andrew came in apologetically although I assured him, it wasn't a big deal. We looked over my latest chart and I discussed the depression that I felt over the weekend. Since it cleared up, I wasn't too concerned about it. If it had continued on, I would have changed my herbal supplements or asked for Andrew to address it with a few new points. After looking over my chart, Andrew pulled out the needles. He said that we were going to add a few new points this session to help my body gear up for ovulation. I just chilled out while he put the needles in. He added a new one to my belly, a few new points on my legs, and a new spot on one of my wrists. So far, there is one point on my wrist and one point on my ankle that kind of give me a little electric jolt when he inserts the needle. It's not painful...just way more intense than the other spots. I then laid there under the heat lamps and just let go of all of the stress of the day. I felt the usual warm buzzing as well as sort of a swirling sensation in places. My limbs felt so heavy...almost disconnected...like I could forget that I have arms and legs. I was SO relaxed. Andrew came back to turn the needles and I felt all buzzy again, but in such a good way...I could have fallen asleep!

When my session was over, Andrew gave me my next round of herbs. They are herbs specifically for luteal phase deficiency. We discussed dosage, etc. And then I headed on home blissfully relaxed and with a smile on my face.

My hubby has his session tomorrow. He is going to see Andrew since his acupuncturist is away this week. I'm curious to see what he thinks of Andrew.

Acupuncture...

I never thought I would say this, but I am actually looking forward to my next acupuncture session. I mean...me...Miss-low-pain-tolerance...wants to have someone put needles in her because it makes her feel good!

My first acupuncture appointment was on Monday. I first went in and filled out a form with 8 billion yes/no questions...are you usually cold...do you have normal bowel movements...etc. I whipped out my 13 months of charts and put it with my forms and then waited for a few minutes in the waiting room.

Andrew (my acupuncturist) called me back. We sat in his office and talked. He had me explain what was going on, what I am looking to achieve. He also asked me a few more questions. He told me that I have a kidney yang deficiency and I am lacking jing. He told me a few things to try to start including in my diet and then told me he was ready to do the acupuncture.

This is the point where my stomach dropped and I became nervous. I am not know for being able to deal with pain well! A splinter is enough to make me cry, so you can see why I would be a little nervous to have someone shove needles in me.

I laid down on the table. Andrew felt my pulse in a few different places on each arm. Then he told me he was going to start. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see the pain coming. I felt the tiniest little prick and then the needle was in. No pain! After that first needle, I felt so much more relaxed. Some of the needles I felt a tiny little prick, some of them I didn't feel anything at all! I am not sure how many needles I had in me over all, but I had one in each wrist, a few around my belly button, and a few in my ankles and feet. Andrew put a heat lamp on my legs and told me he would be back in 10 minutes. I laid there feeling these warm tingling sensations starting to go through my whole body. As time went on, my arms and legs began to feel very heavy. The warmth, tingling, and heaviness was so relaxing...I was ready to go to sleep. Andrew came back after the 10 minutes and turned the needles. It made the tingling sensation seem to be a bit stronger. He left me for another 10 minutes. Although I only had on a tank top, the upper half of my body was feeling warm...something that only happens to me 90 degree weather or if I am exercising.

Andrew came back and removed the needles. He gave me some reading on Kidney yang deficiency and led me out to the reception area. I left feeling SO relaxed!!!!
I can't wait for my next treatment! I know it may take several months of treatment to see any effect on my cycle, but that doesn't seem like a chore!

I have my usual spotting right now, but I don't expect miracles to happen over night especially after only having one appointment around the time of ovulation. Brian has been seeing some progress with his digestive issues, so with time I am sure that I will see some progress as well!