Run-ins with people who don't understand

See the people standing there who
Disagree and never win
And wonder why they don't get in my door.

Sometimes I just don't understand why people can't accept certain things about my work schedule. It is a fact that I work 6 days a week. It is a fact that I work at a minimum 50 hours in a week. Now, I am not one to dictate when anyone should plan a party, get-together, or other gathering. It often happens that someone plans a party on a Saturday night...when I work...and I simply say, "Thanks for the invite, but unfortunately, I have to work." I DO NOT expect anyone to shift their plans to meet my schedule. I am not that self-centered. It is my choice to work these hours. And I do not expect anyone to move their schedules around to have me attend any event.

If I can take off to attend an event, then I will. However there are two things that are involved with taking off:

1) I have to find someone to cover my shift. It is not the type of job where I can simply call and say I will not be in on such and such date. I have to find someone to be there and get it approved by management, or my butt has to be there at the time of my shift. There are very few exceptions to that rule...most of which involve being either hospitalized or dead.

2) Can I afford to take off? I have been paying for acupuncture appointments, fertility treatments, fertility medications, etc. with this extra money. And every dollar does count when you are looking at dropping $200/month for 1 medication alone...let alone a cycle of ultrasounds, various medications, at least 1 ultrasound, and blood tests. Unfortunately, our insurance doesn't pay for a whole lot with regards to fertility treatments. By my working this extra night a week, it helps to ease the burden of our infertility expenses while still allowing us to continue to save some money for our future. And at this point in our lives...we will do anything it takes to make our dreams of a child come true.

Most people are understanding that this is my work schedule. Most realize that I work 6 days a week...if you want to see me, then it is best to try to get together on a week night (assuming I am not working late) or Sunday (which is my only day off). But we do have a few people who just never seem to understand that this second job is a REAL job. I have to be there. Instead, these people plan an event and when I cannot come, give me a guilt trip over the fact that I am not able to attend. Granted, they didn't ask me before planning the event if I would be able to get off that day. It wasn't like they told me a date and I said I would get off from work and be there and then never showed up. I really do try to compromise. If your event starts an hour before I have to go to work and it is feasible, then I will be there for that hour and then go off to work. If I can come after work (which usually doesn't happen because I don't get home until 11pm or so), then I will do that as well. I am tired of dealing with the guilt trips. They need to stop.

I am also tired of people who know of our fertility struggles and just dismiss them. Look, I don't expect you to totally understand how I feel, but you can at least figure that maybe I am under a little more stress with this infertility business. My husband and I are BOTH having our bodies pumped up with hormones that make us feel like poo at times. At least realize that maybe I don't want to hang out with a room full of babies on a tough infertility day...maybe that is REALLY painful for both me and my husband. And I do this for you...often...because I want to spend time with you. I swallow down the pain I am feeling. But every now and then, I just need a day free of reminders. I know you think things are just going to magically work out for us, but the reality is that we HAVE to do fertility treatments if we want to full-fill our dreams of being parents. These treatments take a lot out of you. And when you are paying each month for a shot of having a baby, you're going to do whatever it is you feel is going to give you the best chance. So, sorry that I am not calling and having you over for dinner once a week. It is not that I wouldn't love to have you here and cook for you. It is that I am exhausted from the drugs, the stress, and my work schedule and I feel like my body needs to rest for the day (or evening) to give it the best chance possible of conceiving the child that we so desire. It is nothing personal. We are just going through a tough time right now on the physical and mental level. It would be nice if you could understand that and be supportive instead of adding to the stress level with your passive aggressive behavior. I just don't need it. I know in your world everything revolves around you and your needs. Just realize that I am trying to take care of myself right now and if I can I will do as you wish.

I also wanted to say to the people who really support both me and my husband in our fertility issues (and my work schedule) that I really do appreciate you being in our life. You have made the burden on our shoulders a little lighter. I love you!

Well said...

For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held? -Laura Bush

Well said, Laura...

I currently have the attention span of a gnat...

I really need the next 2 weeks to go by fast because right now all I can think about it going to see the RE. I cannot focus on anything else. I currently have less of an attention span than my 1 year old nephew. I cannot go on this way...

Funny, 2 years ago I was this way in the 2ww because I was nervously waiting to test. Now I am just anxious to see a specialist!

Slight break-down...ramblings of an Infertile

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I know that is good advice. I just have a hard time following it sometimes. Last night I just burst into tears while I was talking to my husband. I totally just broke down. I think just 2 years of having so much spotting and bleeding has gotten to me. I just cried because I want to experience a 100% normal cycle again. I don't care what drugs I have to take to do it. I just want to be normal and maybe have a shot of conceiving.
I have been spotting at ovulation again. I don't know why I started bleeding irregularly again, but I am tired of it.

And of course because I wasn't rational, I began thinking terrible things. Things like early menopause....endo...bad...bad things that I know I shouldn't think because at this point there is no reason to worry.

At least I go to the RE soon...a week from tomorrow actually. I am ready to seek some answers.

Feeling down

I am just not feeling optimistic today. I was yesterday, but today I just feel sad. I guess I just feel like it isn't going to work today. That things were too messed up. It doesn't help that I am still spotting a bit. That always makes me sad.

I miscounted on the calendar...I test closer to the 17th not Christmas eve which is good. It will give me some time to recover before facing gaggles of kids if it is a BFN. Now I just need to keep busy to try and avoid thinking about the elephant in the room.

God how I hate how emotional this journey is...I am so tired of the highs and lows of infertility.

Tonight I have acupuncture...maybe that will help me to feel better!

A tough weekend

It was a tough "infertility" weekend. I arrived at work on Saturday night to find that a co-worker is pregnant with her second "oops" baby. She is thrilled and I am happy for her, but I have to admit that it hurts. I tried hard to smile for her and be happy for her, but I know that it dampened my spirits.

Later that weekend, we were hanging out with my MIL and were discussing medical expenses. She was complaining about hers and I told her we understand as none of our fertility treatments are covered. She told us, "well, it doesn't matter because you don't need them." I don't know if she is in deep denial or just doesn't understand the situation, but I couldn't believe that she said that after all we have been through. She knows the sperm count situation and while it has improved we're no where near to normal! I just felt totally discounted. I know I am being overly sensitive, but I guess I just want some sympathy of some kind. I am tired of being a strong, silent sufferer. I just want my baby.

My HSG experience

I was totally nervous about the HSG. I will admit that freely. I was afraid of both the results and the actual procedure. So, when my mom and I left for the hospital, I popped the advil that the doctor advised, and sat quietly in my seat.

We arrived at the hospital, got checked in, and then went to Radiology. The technician had me get changed into a gown and then I waited around for my doctor to arrive. The technician told me that waiting for the doctor is usually the longest part of this procedure.

My doctor arrived. He told me not to worry and that once we got all set up, the test itself would be over fast. He inserted the speculum, got the dye and syringe all ready, inserted the tube into my cervix. All the while the doctor did this, he was talking to me. He told me everything he was doing and after each step he asked me how I was doing. At that point, other than the slight discomfort any pelvic exam gives, I was feeling pretty good. He pointed out the monitor where I would be able to see the dye and my ovaries so I could watch with them. The doctor then asked if the x-ray technician was ready. The technician nodded and told him yes. Then he started pushing in the dye. He told me, it's going to cramp, it'll be over soon. The moment he started to push in the dye I felt an incredible amount of pressure and a bad menstrual cramp that never let up. It was like getting kicked in the stomach, the wind was literally knocked out of me and all I could do was groan a bit when he asked me how I was doing. The doctor told me to hang in there...that they saw the first tube spilling and were just waiting for the second one...it would just be a tiny bit longer. I saw the first spilling, but then I had to close my eyes and just concentrate on breathing. I heard the x-ray technician yell out, I see the second one spilling. The doctor said "I see it, too" and it was over. And the intense cramp let up to a much more mild cramp that I could deal with easily.

The doctor told me that I did great. He said both tubes are clear so next month we can go ahead and do an IUI. The IUI is an in-office procedure, so I won't have to go to the hospital. He told me to take my time getting up and if I need anything at all, to please give him a call.

Overall, while the test itself gave a terribly painful menstrual cramp that didn't let up, it was over fast, so it was totally doable. While I wouldn't ask to do it again, if I had to, I know I'd be okay. Especially with the doctor there to talk me through things.

My mom asked how it went and I told her everything was clear. She was happy that I got good results. I am glad she came with me. While I didn't have her in there with me during the test, having her there before helped to keep me calm. She told me if I need her to, she can drive me to an IUI or any other procedure which is sweet. I don't think we're going to tell anyone about when we are doing an IUI (if I can help it). We don't want everyone to get too excited and think I am getting a BFP just to get a BFN. I keep telling everyone that an IUI is just giving us a chance of getting pregnant...no guarantee!

And we're going forward...

First of all, my hubby is the most dedicated dad...before we've even conceived. His poor little glutes are SO sore from these shots. I have told him that if at any time he wants to stop, he certainly can. I will NOT hold it against him. And he keeps saying, "give me the next shot...my body will adjust...I want my testosterone to be normal and I want a baby." You are a dedicated daddy. Thank you, honey, for all that you are doing for our future baby.

Oddly, the right glute seems to hurt more after an injection than the left glute. It's not the actual injection that seems to hurt him...he hardly feels that at all. It's the muscular pain from the injection. We're doing the injection in the correct place at both. I guess that is normal?

I went to see my Dr. today. Dr. S told me with hubby's numbers we can go ahead with an IUI. So, the next step is for me to get an HSG. He looked at his calendar and said "I'm going to get the nurse to schedule you for tomorrow. I'm doing them then and I want to personally do yours." The plan, if my HSG goes well tomorrow, is to then do an IUI the following cycle. I have to find out how much the IUI will cost me, but I think we can manage one this year.

I am so nervous for the HSG tomorrow. I have heard how sometimes they hurt and I don't handle pain well. I am also scared that I won't get good results. I am going to pray hard that it will go okay. My mom is taking me, so I will have someone's hand to hold.

Nursing 101

Ring my friend, I said you call Doctor Robert
Day or night he'll be there any time at all, Doctor Robert


It was a whirlwind day in Philadelphia on Friday. We left early in the morning and caught a train to University of Pennsylvania Hospital for hubby's appointment with the male hormone endocrinologist specialist, Dr. H. The last time we saw Dr. H he thought hubby may have a mild form of hypogonadism. Hubby's body essentially doesn't make enough testosterone on its own. So, he had hubby go off of all forms of testosterone replacement therapy, and we did blood tests once a month for 2 months. Additionally, we did another SA (which I have already told you showed improvement.)

So, we went into see Dr. H at the appointed time. We LOVE Dr. H. I believe he and his wife went through infertility, so he is especially kind and sensitive with the subject. First things first...hubby definitely has a mild form of hypogonadism. His testosterone levels plummeted when he went off the testosterone replacement therapy. So, he needs to be on something to keep his testosterone levels up...namely hcG which I will talk about a in a bit. Secondly, his SA showed that his count is coming back (23 million sperm, 57% motility), but he was a little low on morphology...only abour 23% were normally shaped and normal is about 30%. So, we'll have to see if it is enough for an IUI yet.

So, the doctor explained that DH will be doing hcg shots 3x week into a muscle. He got us a script and told us most pharmacies don't just carry it on the shelf, so they will special order it if we just go to a regular pharmacy. The nurse came up with a list of specialty pharmacies that may carry the drug on the shelf. One was in Trenton. So, we hopped on the train and gave the pharmacy a call. They had the drug in stock, so we gave the nurse a call to see if we could come back for our injection class. We paid for the Novarel (which isn't covered by insurance)and luckily got a call from the nurse. She said I can help you at 4 so, we took the train back down to U of P Hospital.

The nurses taught me how to reconstitute the medication which comes as a powder. They also taught me how to draw up the needle and finally where and how to inject hubby. Unfortunately, this is a medication that must be injected into a muscle. So, at this point, we're switching off butt cheeks. After class we ran and grabbed the train back home. And then we went to the minor league hockey game that we had tickets for!

I don't think sitting on the train for 1-1/2 or the stadium seats was good for the injection because hubby was SO sore. To add to the injury, we had signed up to do a scavenger hunt in New Hope on Saturday night...yup, all that walking with an already sore bum meant that hubby was very sore yesterday! We decided to take it easy, and we settled in with a movie and dinner at home!

So, what do we do from here?

-Hubby gets injections 3x week. I give injection #2 tonight. I feel TERRIBLE that he is so sore. I got some tips from a few other people who do this regularly. Hopefully that will help. I don't have any problems with the injection itself, but I feel terrible about the pain he is in. I wish I could take the injections for him!

-In 2 months, hubby goes for another blood test. We then call the doctor to see if we need to change the dosage.

-In 4 months we get another blood test and another SA. We call for the results and to see if there is any change in dosage and to see if SA has improved.

-In 6 months, we see the doctor again!

And hopefully, by that point, we'll have a bambino growing inside me.

I see my doctor on Thursday to go over the results of the SA and see if we can proceed with IUI yet. I think we might be just a bit shy of what we need, but we can talk about it at least.

Nervously awaiting

I want you
I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad
It's driving me mad

We're nervously awaiting hubby's next semen analysis. It's tomorrow morning. We're both trying hard not to think about it, but somehow it's possible outcome is all we can think about today. I keep telling myself (and hubby) that even if there is no improvement, it's not a big deal because he hasn't started the treatment yet. We know that mentally. But we also both know our hearts will be crushed with another utterance of "no sperm." We both want a child so badly...it's always on our minds.

Last week was such an odd week...lots of stress at work. I ovulated early but spotted for about 5 days around ovulation which totally threw me off. If hubby has some sperm in there, we timed things well, but my confidence in my own body is lower this month after all that spotting. I know a million different reasons for spotting, but it still doesn't comfort me. It didn't help that in the midst of my spotting I had to go to a party where I was once again the only childless woman. In a sea of moms, I sat there thinking about how my body was failing me once again and how I long for the things that these moms are complaining about.

So today, I have said about a million prayers...a prayer that we make it safely to the clinic...a prayer that hubby will be able to perform his test without an issue...a prayer that we will get good results...and as always...a prayer for conception to happen this month.

A new start

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where will it go

Well, I made it to 14dpo without getting my period. That is a HUGE deal for me. I haven't had a "normal" cycle since I came off the Nuvaring over 20 months ago. Instead I have had an 8 day luteal phase regardless of WHEN I ovulate (early in the cycle or late in my cycle.)

I tested this morning and got what I expected...a Big Fat Negative. But at least I had some progress this month and that this the silver lining to today.

I am working a lot right now. Long hours at my normal job. Still working my part time job on Saturday nights. The last few weeks I have been thinking maybe we're getting to the time when I need to give up that part time job. I am pretty darn tired of constantly working and only having one day off. I mean, I enjoy the job, but I also enjoy being able to do something on the weekend other than work. What keeps me there? Well, I am not sure how much our infertility treatment costs will be. I am not sure if the medication my hubby needs will be covered by insurance. And I don't want to knock out a potential way to cover said medication if we have to pay out of pocket. So, I'm going to keep on working all these hours and reevaluate after the New Year.

Tired and the journey is just beginning...

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I know that we are just beginning our journey with IF. It just seems to overwhelming and tiring today. We're already into the TTC thing 20 months. Its another 2 months until hubby gets another SA and will begin treatments. We have no idea if or when the treatments may work to bring his SA numbers back up. And that doesn't even include all of my issues. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if I can start progesterone supplements while I wait for hubby's SA to get to the point where we can do an IUI as I am tired of spotting all the time. I literally feel like there is one week out of every month where I don't bleed or spot. It's getting tiresome. Especially since my cycles are about 23 days long right now.

Today I am just tired from work, infertility, life... and I know we have a long way to go. Do I think we will eventually have a child in our life? Yes. For some reason the month of July is just stuck in my head...don't know if it is when my child will be born or if maybe we will conceive next July. I don't even know if July has anything to do with it...maybe I am just making up a month in my head so that in my mind there will be an end to all of this. I just don't know. All I know is that I want to be a mom. I feel it from the deepest depths of my soul. And that is why the thought of never being a mom (biological or adoptive) scares the hell out of me.

So today, I am going to throw myself into other things. I am going to take the dog for a walk. I am going to make a nice dinner for my husband. I am going to clean the house. I am going to exercise. I am going to do something that isn't related to TTC.

Why is it...

that hubby always gets sick just as I'm about to ovulate? (sigh) I feel bad for the guy. I think its just allergies kicking in, but he has a sore throat and congestion. And of course, my TTC obsessed mind is just screaming "No, not now! You can be sick in a couple of days...I'm ovulating NOW!" But of course I would never say that to him. It's not his fault he's not feeling well and quite frankly we don't know that he has any sperm in there anyway.

(Sigh) Why does life always work this way?

Blah Friday...

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

I don't know why, I am just having a down day. I am waiting to ovulate, but I honestly don't think that this cycle will be any different than the others. It will end in spotting and disappointment. Hubby and I are doing our thing and maybe one day we'll have a nice surprise at the end of a cycle, but today, I just don't feel optimistic. Hell, at this point, I don't even feel like I am going to ovulate any time soon. Today I just wish I could stay st home and lounge around in my PJS, eat ice cream, and watch terrible Lifetime movies that make my life look like a cake walk.

I had a good acupuncture appointment. I definitely felt a lot of swirling and heaviness in my body, particularly my pelvic area. I told my acupuncturist that I am seeing my doctor next week about progesterone supplements and he doesn't seem to happy with that. I think he wants me to hold off and see if the herbs work, but I have been trying that. My gut is that I need these supplements to have a normal cycle, so I am going with my gut and asking my doctor if I can start them now instead of waiting for my IUI. I am tired of the spotting and short cycles. I am just tired. Acupuncture has been great for making me ovulate earlier, but it hasn't helped with the spotting. I am tired of living this way. Now I have to see if my doctor agrees, but if he is okay with it, I am starting the progesterone. It can't hurt to try, right?

Additionally, I think I am feeling a little nervous/upset with the thought of going to my nephews 3rd birthday party. I just feel so out of place there. Everyone else is a mom, talking about mom things. I am literally the only one without kids. And it hurts to stand there and listen to them. I will go for my nephew...I LOVE him to pieces, but honestly, I just don't want to stay long. I know its not good to be in my little shell too much, but sometimes I have to do it to protect me. Sometimes it just hurts too much to be WITH everyone else in their fertile world. We're supposed to go to the shore with hubby's family the following weekend. Honestly, I just don't want to go. I am sure I will have fun with the kids, but I just feel like being selfish right now and not going. There is tension because of family drama that I just don't want to deal with. My mother-in-law tends to be controlling. The kids remind me of what I am missing in my life. Maybe I will feel better about it next week, but right now, the thought of going makes me want to cry.

Cry baby cry
Make your mother sigh
She's old enough to know better.

I ovulated on Day 14 (yes!) only to start to have some heavy brown spotting 4 days past ovulation. It feels like my period will be here any second. (sigh) I just wish I could have a normal cycle. I don't know why I get excited when I see improvement one cycle...it usually means the next one is going to shit.

Well said...

"...each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" -Laura Bush, Ladies' Home Journal, June 2010

I had no idea that Laura Bush (and many other famous presidential women) dealt with infertility. Laura was able to put into words what I think many of us feel...that emptiness that other people who have children just don't understand.

Another day in paradise

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me.

It never ceases to amaze me how hopeful I am at the beginning of a new cycle. I don't know if it is that way for other women suffering from infertility. For me there is a feeling of hope at the beginning of each cycle...like my cycle is just going to fix itself and hubby's sperm count will be just fine. Then after I ovulate, the hope tends to go down the tubes once the spotting starts.

But for now, I am hopeful. Right now I am thinking about what our baby would look like, etc.

It was a tough week emotionally last week. There is fighting going on in hubby's family. I was tired and cranky from dealing with people at work. And quite frankly, I was just ready for a day off. I had worked the last 13 days in a row. Friday night we babysat and had a wonderful time with the kids. Sunday I just relaxed. It was lovely.

We have our nephew's baptism this week and I am just hoping that too many people won't be doing the whole "you know..it's your turn to produce offspring" thing. It gets old fast..and I am a little sensitive. My usual MO is to just keep busy with the kids and not hang out with the adults too much.

I started using the fertility monitor this month. We'll see if it is able to predict my cycle. From what I understand, it can take a few months to learn your cycle. Hopefully this isn't a complete waste of money. I've had a HIGH reading for the last 2 days...hopefully I will get a peak reading soon. Hubby and I do want to keep trying. Even if it doesn't result in a baby...at least we feel like we are doing something rather than just waiting.

The weight of infertility

Boy, you're gonna Carry That Weight
Carry That Weight a long time

Some days just truly suck. Some days it feels like I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. Today 2 different people announced their pregnancies on facebook. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach...especially since one of them is a total jerk. It always makes me wonder...why can't we have our own kid? I know for a fact that both of them started trying after us. I know that life isn't fair, but sometimes you just want it to be. You want a "get a baby" line formed and it should be a guarantee if you put in the time and effort and file through that line you should get a baby at the end. I just am afraid that I will never get to say the words "Hey mom, you're gonna be a grandmom!" I am afraid that I will never get to know what it feels like to have a baby in my belly.

Most days I am full of hope. Today I am just tired. I have been spotting for about 5 days now. I think my period is starting today (but I've thought that for the last 4 days.) My breasts hurt and are huge. My bra is cutting into me. I would not mind any of this if it meant I would get a baby at the end, but I know it is just another month of disappointment.

The worst part is that I know I will never be able to just "relax" through any pregnancy I may experience. I am always going to be afraid of losing a baby. Today I feel robbed of any innocence I once had.

Follow-up with good-old Gyno

So every day we'll be happy I know
Now I know that you won't leave me no more

It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh
It won't be long yeh, yeh

I had a follow-up appointment with my gyno today. I haven't seen him since last November or December when he prescribed 100mg of clomid. At that point we found out that hubby's sperm count did not return. We've spent all this time trying to get hubby's issues on the right track, so it's time for me to start looking at my LPD.

I brought hubby along this time to meet the doctor. We sat down and discussed everything that has happened in the last 6 months and what the course of treatment will be for my husband. Then we discussed what needs to happen for me. At this point, he wants to hold off doing an HSG until we have a good enough number for an IUI. When we get a good enough SA, I'll schedule the HSG. He is referring me to a friend of his, an RE, who can do an IUI for us when we have good enough numbers. Although I still have to meet with the RE, he predicts we will probably do 100mg of clomid + progesterone supplements for the IUI as my P4 levels were only 8.6 (low, but showing that I did ovulate). The doctor was very reassuring. He said assuming hubby's numbers come back (which chances are pretty good according to both my doctor and hubby's), he thinks we will be able to have our own child. It's always good to hear that news.

My doctor also was able to refer us to a local lab where hubby can give the deposit he needs to for the SA. It will avoid us a long train ride and just be easier for us to schedule.

My doctor also told me to keep going to acupuncture. He said acupuncture can do great things and that he has patients that have gotten pregnant through acupuncture. So, keep on going...especially since I seem to be ovulating earlier in my cycle with the acupuncture. (Twice I have ovulated on day 17 instead of day 20+). And the doc also said to keep on trying on our own in the meantime...he said maybe as hubby's numbers come up, things will work out on their own. But at least we have a plan for the future. It makes me feel better!

As for acupuncture, I have graduated to every other week now. My acupuncturist thinks that should be adequate. It will save us some serious cash. He thinks hubby would benefit from weekly right now as he is transitioning off the meds, but hubby should be able to go to every other week in a month or so. Yippee!

Another wait

You left me waiting here a long, long time ago.
Don't keep me standing here, lead me to your door.

We finally went to the male infertility specialist at the University of Pennsylvania hospital on Friday. We waited almost 6 months to get in. We hopped the train early in the morning and were right on time for our appointment.

The doctor(Dr. H) was very friendly and thoughtful. He carefully went through all of hubby's medical records and asked questions. He basically told us that the urologist did things the wrong way. First of all, Dr S, the urologist, should have been testing and retesting hubby's testosterone before he put hubby on any medication. Dr. S should never have gone off of one low test. Secondly, Dr. S should have never have put hubby on testosterone replacement therapy knowing we were trying to conceive. And in particular, he shouldn't have put hubby on testopel since not much is really known about it yet.

At first, Dr H didn't think hubby had hypogonadism, but when hubby said that he has been getting more hair on his body with the testosterone replacement therapy, it changed his mind. Dr H explained that you won't have any more hair than you are genetically programmed to have with testosterone therapy. Basically, he said he thinks hubby went 99% of the way through puberty, but his body for some reason didn't complete that last 1%. Thus the reason he is finally getting hair on his chest. So hubby probably does have hypogonadism but a more mild form of it.

So what is next? Hubby has to go off the testosterone replacement therapy that he was on to maintain testosterone levels. After being off of this for 8 weeks, hubby has to go get a blood test for 2 months. This is to establish what his baseline levels are...something that the urologist should have done a long time ago. Then, in that second month, Dr H wants hubby to get a follow-up SA to see where that stands. Finally, we will return for an appointment on October 28. The doctor speculates that at that time, he will have enough information to start hubby on HCG injections. It will basically trigger his own body to produce testosterone and sperm. It will be a 2 to 3 time a week self-injection. Dr H said he will teach him how to do it. When asked what success rates are like, Dr H said he is pretty confident that he can restore Hubby's fertility to what it was...approximately 40 million.

So, now we are once again waiting...but at least we have a plan for hubby's treatments. Hubby looked so relieved. I think he thought we would hear that there was no hope.

Unfortunately, as the doctor predicted, stopping the testosterone has made hubby feel pretty crummy over the last 3 days. He is dizzy and light-headed. That is what he felt when he was starting the testosterone so it makes sense. Hopefully, he'll be feeling better soon. And I have to do something about myself soon...a visit to the gyno or an RE...leaning towards the RE. Of course every time I think acupuncture isn't working, I see some progress. I ovulated on Day 17 again this month. We'll see what the luteal phase is like.