Anxiously waiting...

I bet you think I am anxiously waiting because I am in the 2 week wait. Well, while I am in the two week wait, I am honestly not really thinking about it. I am anxiously waiting for my appointment with the RE on January 14th. While I am scared of more bad news, I am also really excited to see the doctor and finally figure out what my body is doing and why! I keep saying I need a little window into my uterus...well, this doctor is my window.

I ovulated about two days ago...I've had a little spotting...nothing too bad. I ovulated on the 12th cycle day this time and I think that is the reason I am not bleeding all over the place. It seems the closer to the middle of the cycle, the better off I am.

So, now I am waiting. I am waiting to see the doctor. I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant. (The second item I am doubtful of.)

Watching paint dry

That's how I feel about the phase of my cycle I am in right now. I feel like I am watching the paint dry while I wait for that + opk. If it is like last month, then I should get a surge on Sunday and ovulate on Monday sometime. But, as we all know, my ovulation day has been known to move around. We'll see what happens. I am totally afraid that I won't be able to get off from work or that I will miss my surge or something. Hopefully I am wrong on all accounts!

My acupuncturist is feeling really good about our upcoming IUI. I am trying not to get myself too excited over it. It's not that I don't want it to work...it's just I don't want to be crushed if it doesn't work...especially with it being Christmas. I had a really good session last night. I felt very calm and relaxed and my whole body felt like it was buzzing! It was just what I needed.

Doubtful me

I guess I could technically start to test now. I am 9dpo. Honestly, I don't even have the urge to take a HPT. I guess I just really don't think I am pregnant. I have the usual symptoms of PMS...swollen breasts, fatigue. But honestly, nothing out of the ordinary except for a few light cramps last night before going to bed. I think they were caused by acupuncture. He tried a few new points.

This week has wiped me out. I have been doing the workload of 2 different people and quite frankly, it has worn me out. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight. At least I have the whole weekend off. I am working a 14 hour day tomorrow but then I have all weekend off!

I think I am going crazy

I started to spot brown yesterday. I am so frustrated with my body right now. My temp was higher this morning, 98.13. So, I took a FRER. Within 3 minutes there was a faint second line, but it was so faint I couldn't tell if there was color or not. All I can think is that it is an evap line of some kind. And of course now I am at work questioning whether or not it was an evap line or a faint BFP. I guess I will test again tomorrow. I think it's gonna be a BFN though with all of this spotting and not much in the way of symptoms.

Nervously awaiting

I want you
I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad
It's driving me mad

We're nervously awaiting hubby's next semen analysis. It's tomorrow morning. We're both trying hard not to think about it, but somehow it's possible outcome is all we can think about today. I keep telling myself (and hubby) that even if there is no improvement, it's not a big deal because he hasn't started the treatment yet. We know that mentally. But we also both know our hearts will be crushed with another utterance of "no sperm." We both want a child so badly...it's always on our minds.

Last week was such an odd week...lots of stress at work. I ovulated early but spotted for about 5 days around ovulation which totally threw me off. If hubby has some sperm in there, we timed things well, but my confidence in my own body is lower this month after all that spotting. I know a million different reasons for spotting, but it still doesn't comfort me. It didn't help that in the midst of my spotting I had to go to a party where I was once again the only childless woman. In a sea of moms, I sat there thinking about how my body was failing me once again and how I long for the things that these moms are complaining about.

So today, I have said about a million prayers...a prayer that we make it safely to the clinic...a prayer that hubby will be able to perform his test without an issue...a prayer that we will get good results...and as always...a prayer for conception to happen this month.

Ovulating early?

Come together, right now
Over me


I think I may be ovulating a lot earlier than usual. I have been getting a high reading on my monitor for the last few days. I started cramping and spotting yesterday and took an OPK in the afternoon and got 2 blaring positives. (I used a regular strip and then figured I must be wrong and used a digital.)I also had the usual ovulation pain. This morning I still only got a high on my monitor. Maybe my monitor just missed the surge...I'm not quite sure. It's so odd to be getting + on an opk on CD 10. It wasn't that long ago that I was ovulating on day 20!

But then this whole cycle has been weird. I usually don't spot mid-cycle. It started after an evening of "together" time so I guess my cervix got a little irritated or something. I don't have any pain, so I am not worrying about. If it keeps up, then I will get it checked out. I also am getting over a cold. I thought if anything the cold would push back ovulation, not move it up! And I don't know if my body is going to be successful at it. I mean, I don't have my temp spike yet. Hopefully I will get it tomorrow or so.

Poor hubby has caught the cold I had...you know at the critical time when I need him to perform. I feel so bad for him. He has been a trooper and he told me he wants to catch this egg so he wants to try. I am leaving it up to him. I certainly don't expect him to go through all of this with a cold.

Starting Friday he has to abstain in preparation for his next semen analysis. God, I hope that we get some kind of good news! We could really use it!

Waiting for that dang Aunt

Well, cycle 21 is out. I tested this morning at 14dpo and it was a BFN. No big surprise there. Now I am waiting for Aunt Flo to start (probably Saturday). Hubby set up his next semen analysis for October 18th. He has to give his sample in the office which is a little scary for him. Hopefully we'll get some good news. Of course, if things go like last cycle, I believe I will be ovulating just when he has to abstain for his test. But, c'est la vie! At least we'll have some more information at the end of the month. On October 30th we go back to the specialist and then we hear what DH's blood tests and SA show and what the treatment plan will be. It will be nice to at least know what is going on in there. Most days I wish I could just look and see if there is sperm growing inside there!

Today sucks.

I caved and peed on a stick even though I knew what the answer would be. Yup, BFN. Why do I do this to myself? I pee on those stupid sticks even though we're pretty sure that hubby still doesn't have any sperm. I have to pee on one more stick after I finish my progesterone...just to make sure that God didn't cause immaculate conception, then I can start getting ready for the next cycle.

Hubby set up his next SA for October 18th. We're pretty sure that the results are going to be the same, but we are praying hard for at least some improvement. Hell, we'd take 100 sperm.

Today I am not hopeful. Today I just want to crawl back into bed. The rain is not helping my mood either.

I think I will do a good workout tonight. If I am exhausted enough, maybe I will just fall asleep and not keep dwelling on all of this.

Side effects...here...gone...here again

Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she doesn't have a lot to say
Her majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she changes from day to day

My body has been freaking out on me. I can only assume it is all side effects from the Prometrium. Friday I felt particularly crummy...nausea coming in waves, sore & swollen breasts, and something that feels like ovulation pain. Saturday I felt the same. Sunday I woke up and felt 100% fine. Today I am back to feeling nauseous again with some minor back pain and some slight breast pain. Today I am EXHAUSTED as well. The weather is certainly not helping my cause...its rainy and gloomy out there.

I am supposed to workout tonight, but honestly, I might just go to bed.

Don't get your hopes up. I doubt any of this means anything. At the same time, I can't help but have a TINY sliver of hope. This BFN is gonna hurt!

Exhausted...

Two of us wearing raincoats
Standing solo
In the sun
You and me chasing paper
Getting nowhere
On our way back home

Today I feel totally depleted of all my energy. I was also a little nauseous this morning. Oh, the lovely side effects of progesterone. And with the fatigue, sore breasts and nausea comes my usual bout with negativity. It sucks to think I might put my body through all of this only to have the same end result. NEGATIVE.

I am trying hard to banish my negative feelings. I wear a pendent around my neck. I haven't removed it since I started wearing it months ago. It says patience. It is a reminder. I am trying really hard to have patience, but sometimes it is a struggle. Especially when all I want to do is curl up in bed and go back to sleep. There are a million things that I should be doing tonight, but honestly, I have a feeling all I am going to do is maybe walk the dog, eat some dinner, and then head to bed. Sleep is the only thing that sounds good to me.

Rock Star

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star

First of all, I want to say my hubby is a rockstar...working through adverse conditions all in the name of having a baby. Despite a long day, he performed his duties like a champ. He totally made up for all the times that I was ovulating and he was sick/injured/too tired.

And my body is working like a rock star this month as well. I think I ovulated on DAY 14! Yippee! Don't know if it is the progesterone from last month or the new acupuncture points, but I'll just take it. If I ovulated yesterday, then I will begin my progesterone supplements on Sunday.

Like usual, I don't expect anything to come of all of our hard TTC work, but if there is any month that we might have a sliver of a chance, it's this month. Why? Because my estimated due date would be June 9, 2011 and my brother is getting married on June 17th and I am in his wedding. God's sick sense of humor would probably make me go into labor on his wedding day.

I feel like a chicken popping out an egg

Well, it is day 13 and I have a peak reading on my monitor. I usually don't get a + reading for at least a few more days, so it looks like I might be ovulating early this cycle. Of course my body is ovulating on the day when hubby has to go into work at 3:00am for a ride-along in one of the company trucks and I am working both jobs. We'll see if any "action" will happen tonight or if we are both too tired. I only seem to pop eggs out at the most inconvenient times. Oh well...we don't know if any sperm is being produced anyway.

We'll see when I actually ovulate...but at least all the signs are there earlier than usual. I don't know if it was the new points in my acupuncture session or the progesterone last cycle, or just a fluke...but I'll take it.

Happy Birthday, Grandpop!

They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

It's my grandfather's 87th birthday today! We're going to head over to their apartment in the senior community and go to the dining room with them for dinner. We'll follow that with cake and ice cream at their apartment. We were going to take them out to dinner, but my grandfather has a lot of issues being out and about these days. Part of it is that he went through radiation therapy for prostate cancer which made him lose total control of his bowels. Part of it is that he can't hear very well any more. And part of it is that his memory is fading and he gets quite confused in new places. We figured the security of a meal within his senior village would make him more comfortable so he can relax and actually enjoy his birthday rather than being confused and nervous about what might happen.

Of course at the same time I am getting ready to ovulate. I got a high reading on my monitor this morning and from the signs I am having I think I will be ovulating sometime within the next few days. Hubby "took care of business" last night. Tonight we'll be with my grandparents. Tomorrow morning he has to be at work by 4:00am for a "ride-along" in one of his company's trucks. Needless to say, I don't think he will be in the mood. And that will probably be the day I ovulate. C'est la vie!

I truly hope that I get pregnant soon. I really do want to be able to tell my grandfather that he is going to be a great-grandfather while he still remembers me. I know that it would make him so happy to be able to hold his first great-grandchild. Hopefully, his memory and health will hold out through this whole infertility process. He is truly a magnificent man who is a very special part of my life. I would love to give him this special gift while he can still enjoy it. I know my grandmother would be over the moon as well. Last year, when she was coming out of that twilight anesthetic from a colonoscopy, she was asking my mom if I was going to have a baby soon because she really wants to hold a little baby again. I want to give that to her...as well as having this baby for myself, of course.

In other news, hubby and I were asked to be in my brother's June wedding! We're so excited for them and to share that special day with them. It's hard to believe that my baby brother is getting married and moving away. I am really going to miss him, but at the same time, I am truly happy that he found his life partner.