Monday, March 29, 2010

There is dancing in the street...

Hubby finally got a date to go to the endocrinologist...June 4. Hopefully it will be the beginning of a solution to our issues.

Some days are easier than others...

Some days are easier than others when you are dealing with infertility. Usually being around kids and moms doesn't bother me. But now and then, when we've had disappointing news or I'm having a down day, it's just too hard to be around them. Some days the tears just flow and my heart feels completely broken. It's not anyone's fault that I am this way. No one stole our fertility...but some days babies serve as a reminder of what we are missing from our lives. Some people just don't get that. When I tell you about the latest dismal results from some test, it doesn't help to tell me that I should just adopt...or all about your kids...or that I should go take care of my nephews to fill the void. Yes, most days I enjoy playing with them, but some days they just remind me of my pain.

Are our lives horrible? No, I can certainly think of worse things to be told than you can't have a baby. Incurable cancer springs to mind. But, our lives do feel incomplete. And I think that is what bothers both of us...that we aren't sure if that incomplete feeling will ever go away. If we can't have kids naturally, fertility treatments and adoption both cost SO much just seems too impossible most days.

We keep praying for answers to our solutions...hopefully God will answer our prayers sooner rather than later.

Friday, March 26, 2010


I never thought I would say this, but I am actually looking forward to my next acupuncture session. I to have someone put needles in her because it makes her feel good!

My first acupuncture appointment was on Monday. I first went in and filled out a form with 8 billion yes/no questions...are you usually you have normal bowel movements...etc. I whipped out my 13 months of charts and put it with my forms and then waited for a few minutes in the waiting room.

Andrew (my acupuncturist) called me back. We sat in his office and talked. He had me explain what was going on, what I am looking to achieve. He also asked me a few more questions. He told me that I have a kidney yang deficiency and I am lacking jing. He told me a few things to try to start including in my diet and then told me he was ready to do the acupuncture.

This is the point where my stomach dropped and I became nervous. I am not know for being able to deal with pain well! A splinter is enough to make me cry, so you can see why I would be a little nervous to have someone shove needles in me.

I laid down on the table. Andrew felt my pulse in a few different places on each arm. Then he told me he was going to start. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see the pain coming. I felt the tiniest little prick and then the needle was in. No pain! After that first needle, I felt so much more relaxed. Some of the needles I felt a tiny little prick, some of them I didn't feel anything at all! I am not sure how many needles I had in me over all, but I had one in each wrist, a few around my belly button, and a few in my ankles and feet. Andrew put a heat lamp on my legs and told me he would be back in 10 minutes. I laid there feeling these warm tingling sensations starting to go through my whole body. As time went on, my arms and legs began to feel very heavy. The warmth, tingling, and heaviness was so relaxing...I was ready to go to sleep. Andrew came back after the 10 minutes and turned the needles. It made the tingling sensation seem to be a bit stronger. He left me for another 10 minutes. Although I only had on a tank top, the upper half of my body was feeling warm...something that only happens to me 90 degree weather or if I am exercising.

Andrew came back and removed the needles. He gave me some reading on Kidney yang deficiency and led me out to the reception area. I left feeling SO relaxed!!!!
I can't wait for my next treatment! I know it may take several months of treatment to see any effect on my cycle, but that doesn't seem like a chore!

I have my usual spotting right now, but I don't expect miracles to happen over night especially after only having one appointment around the time of ovulation. Brian has been seeing some progress with his digestive issues, so with time I am sure that I will see some progress as well!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

In the beginning...

In the beginning it all seemed so easy. We would get married, wait a few years, and then have a baby. Simple plan, yes? So, when the time came for a baby, we thought that it would just be a matter of time until we got that prized + on the pregnancy test. It wasn't that simple...

After going off birth control, I started charting right away to see if I ovulated and if so, when. I do ovulate, but it is very late in my cycle and I spot from the time I ovulate until 8 days later when I get my period. It's something called a luteal phase defect. Something that is apparently fixable, although I haven't had it happen yet after 2 rounds of clomid.

Then we found out that my husband had low testosterone....really low testosterone. He went to a urologist who put him on testopel, a testosterone replacement therapy. He assured us that it wouldn't impact hubby's fertility. His count before starting the treatment: 40 million. His count after 3 months on the treatment: a big fat, painful zero.

I will never forget my husband's face when he was was such a pained, terrified, tortured look. One of disappointment, anger, and hopelessness. He couldn't speak. His eyes teared up. He was taken off the testopel and came back 3 months later to see if his body had started making sperm had not.

Our next stop was an endocrinologist (Dr. S) who is a lovely lady who has restored hope and confidence in us. She told us of a special endocrinologist in Philly who would be able to restore my hubby's fertility with some specialized shots. Something that she couldn't do herself because it needs more monitoring. So, she faxed his records over to the doctor, gave a call that hubby needs to be seen by this doctor...and we're still waiting to even get an appointment...3 months later. In the meantime, hubby is on a low dose of testosterone in order to prevent osteoporosis...but also prevents us from moving forward with ttc.

While we are waiting we have begun acupuncture. I'll talk about it more in my next post. It's a really weird sensation, but totally relaxing.

So, that's where we are starting...we're in limbo waiting to get into the specialist. We're still not sure if we will ever have biological children...we're still waiting and hoping that parenthood doesn't pass us by.