Monday, October 17, 2011

38 weeks 6 days

Oh time is flying by! It honestly seems like yesterday that we found out that I was pregnant! Now here I am almost 39 weeks pregnant!

We had a baby shower a few weeks ago. Our family and friends blew us away with their generosity. We are all set for when the baby decides to make his or her appearance! Everything is washed, assembled, and put away. We just need the baby now.

At my 36 week appointment, I was 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced. At my 38 week appointment I was 4 cm dilated and the doctor could feel the baby's head. In fact, he truly thought I was in labor and that I didn't know it. I got hooked up for a non-stress test and proved him wrong. No contractions! I jokingly told the doctor that I am just trying to get as much of a head start as possible before actually having to deal with the pain of contractions!

Although the doctor told me I will have the baby within a week, I made my weekly appointment for next Thursday. Honestly, I just don't feel like this baby is coming any time soon. I only have a little light period like cramps now and then...nothing regular. I even went to a concert on Saturday night (the Fab Faux) and still nothing despite all the walking and music vibrations.

I keep telling everyone that this is a stubborn child who is going to hang on by his or her toes to stay in!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What? I am 30 weeks...

I am not sure where the time has gone! It seems like yesterday I was standing in disbelief in our bathroom with a positive pregnancy test in my hand. It seems like yesterday we heard the heartbeat for the first time. And yet, time has flown by and now I am 30 weeks along! Only 10 more weeks (give or take) until we meet our little one!

The baby has been kicking and punching like crazy lately. You can literally watch my belly ripple as the baby moves around. It's the most amazing thing! Every night, DH lays in bed with his hand on my belly talking to the baby and feeling it move. It's my favorite time of day. We're all in bed...including the dog...and we just relax as a family before we drift off to sleep.

The baby also seems to really hate the doppler. When it was smaller it would just keep rolling away from the doppler and it would literally take the nurse 15 minutes to get the baby's heartbeat. Now, the baby is too confined and can't roll away so the baby start punching and kicking the doppler to the point where it comes off my belly. Apparently our child doesn't like to have its privacy issue that I am sure will come up in the future.

I am getting VERY big! I gained way too much weight last month even though I don't feel that I ate any differently. I gained 7lbs instead of 4-5. My legs, ankles, and feet have been swelling on a daily basis. Every night it goes back down and during the day my ankles puff back up. Oh, and the girls have continued to grow. I keep stuffing them in my too-small bra because I just don't want to deal with buying yet another round of bras. I've been holding out, but I don't think I can do it much longer...a bra shopping trip is in my near future. The fatigue of the first trimester seems to be coming back as well.

Despite the minor discomforts, I am so happy to be experiencing all of this - the good and the bad! I love feeling the baby move around inside me. In some ways, I am going to miss having the baby all to myself. And at the same time I cannot wait to meet this little one.

We have the room mostly ready. All we have to do is put up a few pictures on the wall and some curtains. We also have the swing all ready to go as well as the bassinet. We wanted to have the room all done so in the last month all I have to do is put away anything we get from a baby shower and do some last minute shopping for any few items we are lacking. I plan on working my full time job up until I give birth so that I can have all of my time off spent with the baby. My part-time job I will be giving up at the end of this month. I need the time to get ready for the baby and rest.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

22 weeks and sick

We had our 20 week ultrasound and much to our delight all was perfect with the baby! We held strong and did not find out the gender. The technician doesn't write it down so I don't have to worry about the doctors accidentally letting it slip. We also found out that my hubby is O+, so I definitely have to get some shots since I am B-. No biggie...I can deal with a shot or two if I have to!

It's been a whirlwind few weeks. We had the anatomy ultrasound and we also had my brother's wedding last weekend. The wedding preparations kept us busy almost every night for the last few weeks, but it was all worth it! Their wedding was beautiful! I am so happy for them.

Along with some candy, I got a parting favor of a summer cold. I must have picked it up from one of the guests. I have a sore throat and tons of congestion. Not much I can do about it. I am allowed to take Sudafed, but I have an allergy to it, so I still can't take it. So, I am just riding this cold out with cough drops, orange juice and lots of sleep! At least my morning sickness seems to have gone away!!! Apparently I just take until the 5 month mark!

I can't believe that I am so far in this pregnancy. This is flying by quickly. I can now feel the baby move pretty much daily. I have prayed so hard for a healthy child to be born...that is all I want. I can endure anything if I have that end result!

Friday, May 27, 2011

18 weeks and bumpin'

You know you got me goin', now
(Got me goin')
Just like I knew you would
(Like I knew you would)

Well, shake it up, baby, now
(Shake it up, baby)
Twist and shout
(Twist and shout)

Well, I have definitely popped. While I have started to have a bit of a belly before, now my bump is very obvious! In addition, last week I began to feel movement. At first it was just some swirly, fluttery feelings. This week it became a definite KICK feeling. And the best part is that hubby could feel one of the kicks by putting his hand on my belly! It was definitely a shining moment.

It's hard to believe that in 2 weeks I am half way through this pregnancy! Time is flying by SO quickly. And we have begun our preparations for the baby's arrival. I have gotten talks going at work with my boss about working from home a few days per week. I have started calling daycares in the area to look for someone to watch my baby. And we have the baby's dresser picked out and ordered. Once the dresser is in place, I can begin to put things away.

In a week and a half we have our anatomy ultrasound and soon after that I think I want to make a list of what we need for the baby and register for it.

I still have morning sickness, but it isn't every day any more. I have just resigned myself to the fact that I am going to throw up most days of this pregnancy...and that is okay. I just want a healthy baby...I can deal with vomiting!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

16 weeks 6 days...where did the time go?

I have no idea where all the time has gone, but I woke up one day and realized that I was 16 weeks! I guess I am so busy trying to survive morning sickness as well as work a 50-60 hour week that I just don't realize how much time has passed.

I had my 16 week appointment last Wednesday. I did the usual pee in the cup, step on the scale, and blood pressure taken. All was good. The doctor found the baby's was in the 140s. All is looking good.

I asked about hubby's blood work. About a month before, he went and got his blood drawn so that it could be typed. Since I am B negative, we need to know what his blood type is to determine if I need to get a shot at 24 weeks and at the birth. Apparently, the lab did the WRONG blood test, so he has to go and get the blood work done again! (Needless to say, he is none to pleased at the prospect, but he'll do whatever he has to for me and the baby.) Apparently the lab checked his red and white blood cell count instead of actually typing his blood.

Additionally, hubby has gone off the Hcg shots (with the permission of his doctor.) He is going through MAJOR withdrawal symptoms right now including dizziness, migraines, and irritability. You can tell he just feels like poop. I truly wish that there was something I could do to make him feel better. (Although he says the same to me when I am puking in the mornings.) The doctor is having him go for blood draws 1x month for the next few months to see what his body does on its own. And if (and when) hubby begins to feel tired again, then he is to call and the doctor will put him on a low dose of androgel to help him maintain a healthy testosterone level. Hopefully hubby will be through the worst of it soon. As he says, it was worth it to be on that medication because now we're having a baby!

I am still experiencing morning sickness although it is not every day anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I am going to have morning sickness through the whole pregnancy (like my grandmother.) Even if I do, it will be totally worth it if this baby comes out healthy. This morning was pretty rough. I will spare you the details, but it involved lots of vomit and a nose bleed.

It's starting to be uncomfortable when I sleep now. I wake up multiple times a night to switch positions. My arms and legs sometimes feel a bit restless as well. Sleeping on my tummy and back aren't really an option hurts too much. I just sleep on my side now.

I had a lot of cramping yesterday, but it seemed to go away. I read that the baby is hitting a growth spurt right now...I think all the cramping was everything growing to make some room for the baby! I read that this coming week the baby will be 5 inches long and weight 5 ozs (the same as a turnip.) It is so hard to believe that our little speck has turned into a 5 inch long baby!

I cannot wait until our next ultrasound. I have it at 20 weeks exactly (June 8th.) Hubby is able to come with me to this one. I cannot wait to see how big the baby is now and what the baby is capable of doing (ie sucking its thumb, making facial gestures, etc.)I love watching the baby move! I also just need the reassurance that the baby is growing well in there. This morning sickness has made it hard to eat anything all that healthy. I try to when I can, but on the days when I am really sick, I am just happy to get anything down at all. Even though I am almost 17 weeks, my weight is still only up 3 lbs. I know its okay and that I will gain it through the rest of the second and third trimesters but I still worry that the baby isn't getting everything it needs.

We're still on Team Green, so we don't plan on finding out the sex at the 20 week ultrasound (much to the dismay of our family and friends). We're just hoping that the baby isn't an exhibitionist. We don't want to accidentally find out. In my purely evil mind, I have thought about sending out an email after our ultrasound with the subject of "We're having a..." with the text continuing on to say "a healthy baby!" with a picture or two from the ultrasound. I know a couple people who would be so excited when they see that's evil I know, but sometimes it is fun to just mess with people!

Monday, May 9, 2011

15 weeks 4 days: My almost-a-Mother's day

"It's getting better all the time..."

My first "Almost-a-mother's" Day was fantastic. Yes, I did still have some morning sickness. (I do think it is starting to get better...I don't vomit EVERY DAY now...just some days.) I think that was the baby's way of saying "Hi, mom! I'm still in here...don't worry that you killed me! Have a good day!"

After speaking to various family members relaying Happy Mother's Day wishes, my husband and I picked up my mom and took her out to a Mother's Day breakfast. When we got back, my hubby asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate. I of course replied...clean out the baby's room...organize the basement a bit more. So, hubby and I headed out to Target, got some cube shelf storage with fabric totes for the basement. We are going to use that to hold various toys. Then we worked on cleaning out the baby's room as well as organizing the basement. It was a lot of work, but the results are fabulous. I can now fit baby furniture in...and the basement is also looking a lot less of a mess as well!

It's supposed to be nice over the next few days, so I think I am going to try to get outside and plant some flowers and do some weeding. Later in the week, I am going to try to work on the baby book!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Saying Goodbye

My grandfather passed away early Saturday morning. He had been in hospice care since Tuesday afternoon due to stage 4 and stage 3 cancers throughout his body. In addition he was septic from a perforated bowel.

I knew the instant the phone rang what I was going to hear. It was news that brought both sadness and relief. Relief that he didn't have to labor breathing anymore or feel any pain. Sadness that I was saying goodbye to a wonderful man who had always shown us such love.

My last conversation with him was about the baby. I had just had my 12 week ultrasound done and I went over to show him it. He was SO excited to see those pictures. He was thrilled that he was finally going to be a great-grandfather. He suffered short term memory loss, but remembered that he saw the photos and told my grandmother to see me...that I had pictures of the baby to show her. The baby left quite an impression.

I am sad that he will never get to hold his great-grandchild. Or see his grandson get married in June. But I am glad that he doesn't have to suffer a slow painful death from the cancer. I have been on that journey with other family members. I know he is in heaven looking down on us. I know he will be watching over our child.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. When we went to hubby's endocrinologist appointment last week, we found out that his count hadn't gone up much. So, basically we have a miracle that is meant to bring our family joy when we have such sorrow this year. One generation left this earth but another generation is on its way to join us.

Now I just need to get through the viewing tonight and the funeral tomorrow. I dread these things...I am a person who deals with grief privately. And I still have some morning hopefully I can get through the next two days gracefully.

I love you, grandpop! Thank you for always taking such good care of our family. I have so many happy memories with you...I will always love and miss you, but I celebrate your return to heaven.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sorrow and joy

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

This last week has been a blur. My grandfather had to have emergency surgery for an obstructed bowel on Monday. When they went in, they found the bowel had perforated, leaving him septic, and they discovered that cancer was ALL over the walls of his abdomen. When he came out of surgery, they had him on a ventilator and kept him sedated as the pain would be too much for him. He has yet to regain consciousness despite the doctors turning off the sedation, and his body is shutting down. His kidney and liver don't seem to be functioning any more.

The decision was made today to end his life support (as per my grandfather's wishes). The doctor has already told us that there is nothing that they can do for his cancer. It would be a painful death. His body is already shutting down. Machines are the only thing keeping him alive. So, today, they are going to take him off the ventilator, keep him comfortable with morphine and let nature take its course.

I went to visit him last night. Even though he is unconscious, I talked to him. I spoke to him about what we did for my birthday that day, names we were thinking of for the baby, fun times that we shared together. It's funny, when I was talking to him, his ventilator kept setting off alarms. When I stopped and everyone else joined the room, no alarms went off at all. I guess that was Grandpop's way of telling me he heard me.

I am not sure how long he will last. The doctor thinks it will only be 24-72 hours, but no one can be sure. It could be weeks, it could be hours. I pray for everyone's sake that he goes quickly.

Maybe this is why our journey to conceive took so long...maybe God wanted us to have new life coming into the family as one was leaving....some joy to help the pain. I know that my grandfather was so excited when I showed him the ultrasound pictures at our last meeting. He had trouble with his memory, but he remembered that I showed him pictures of the baby because he told my grandmother when she joined us. That's my last memory of a conversation with him...him being SO excited about the baby...

Great Joy. Great Sorrow. I pray that he goes quickly into the arms of Jesus...he won't have to suffer any more.

Monday, April 18, 2011

NT Scan & a busy weekend

Last week I had my NT scan. It was great to see our little one again. The baby was kicking its little legs all over the place. We even watched it turn. We saw a nose, hands and feet! I am so in love with this little one. Everyone keeps telling me they are sorry that I am so sick. Quite frankly the throwing up/nausea just don't bother me. I am so happy to be carrying this little one. I can deal with anything if it means that this baby will come out healthy!

This weekend was quite busy. My brother and future sister-in-law were in for wedding meetings (flowers, etc.) I had (or at least attempted to eat) dinner with my brother on Friday night. Saturday I went clothes shopping with my mother-in-law as my birthday gift. Saturday night I worked from 4 until 11:30. Sunday I got up, had breakfast with my brother and future sister-in-law and then threw the bridal shower for my future SIL! Everything turned out great for the shower, but after this weekend, I am exhausted.

On top of that, my grandfather is quite ill. They are doing surgery this afternoon for a bowel obstruction. I am praying that all goes well.

Monday, April 11, 2011

My first official OB appointment

Ring my friend, I said you call Doctor Robert
Day or night he'll be there any time at all, Doctor Robert

On Friday, I have my first OB appointment with Dr. S. It was a long appointment...almost 2 hours. I spent most of that filling out paperwork with a nurse. After the obligatory step on the scale and blood pressure reading (both of which as fine), I finally got to see the doctor.

Dr. S came in and gave me a big hug! "You did it!" He said. He went on to read a letter from Dr. Castelbaum. The letter explained how we came for a consultation vist. At that visit, he saw that I was getting ready to ovulate and sent us home with instructions to be intimate. And then, the later states, "lightening struck and Dawn became pregnant with a singleton." He literally wrote in the letter that "lightening struck!".

After a routine pap smear, Dr. S sat down with me and went over all the do's and don'ts...which I kind of already knew. He scheduled me for an ultrasound on April 13 and gave me scripts for a billion blood tests.

The only scary part of the exam was that the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat at first. It was only when she handed over the doppler to the doctor that it was found (and that was after he did a bit of searching.) Apparently the baby loves to move away from the doppler!

Hubby can't take off from work for the next ultrasound, so I am going to bring my mother along. She is thrilled that she will get to see the baby!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

11 weeks pregnant

It is so crazy to think that I am 11 weeks pregnant. I am almost done with the first trimester. While at times I feel like the day is never going to end (mostly due to morning sickness), this pregnancy is really going by fast. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real that I am going to be a mommy!

I have officially graduated from Doctor Castelbaum's office. I go to my first OB appointment on Friday. I am really hoping that the doctor finds the heartbeat on the doppler. I am in total withdrawal now that I am no longer having weekly ultrasounds. I need some sort of sign that the baby is doing well in there. I have this constant fear that I am going to get bad news. I have even had some nightmares about it. I guess that is the infertility still talking.

I am making some progress on the nursery. I cleaned out the closet. It is now free for baby paraphernalia. I just need to finish cleaning out the random stuff sitting in the nursery (some toys that my nephews play with, a random bookshelf, and the dog's crate) and then I think we're all set to start to start bringing baby items into the room. I am lucky in that a friend is giving me a crib. It was only used for about 6 months at her mom's house and is in BRAND new condition. It is the exact crib style and color that I wanted. We just need to find a dresser and then I can start going through all the baby hand me downs that we have been given. When I am further along I will register, but honestly, I don't think we really need all that much stuff!

So, without further is the crib we'll be using:

And here is the bedding:

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Pomp and Circumstance

Treasure these few words till we're together
Keep all my love forever
P.S. I love you
You, you, you

We had our last appointment with Dr. Castelbaum's office on Monday. It was bitter sweet. The nurses and doctors there are SO nice...I am going to miss them. The good thing is that the baby is doing great. We didn't get great photos this week, but the baby is looking MUCH can actually see arms and legs and feet! The heart rate was 173.9 so we still have a nice strong heart beat. Hubby and I brought brownies to the nurses as a goodbye gift. They all told me that they want to see pictures of the we'll have to send a birth announcement to them! So, I have officially graduated...break out the cap and gown! I am now just a regular ob fact my first ob appointment is late next week.

The baby also went to its first concert on Saturday night. He or she got to attend the Fab Faux concert (via my belly of course!) I was feeling under the weather, but we had wonderful seats (only 4 rows back from the stage) and the Fab Faux sounded wonderful as usual. My dad got tickets for the next show. I told him I might not be able to's only 10 days before my due date, but he said they can always ask someone else to go with them if the baby makes an early arrival or I am not feeling up to it.

In other news, we have begun to clean a few things out of the baby's room. I want to continue the quest, but morning sickness is getting a little worse right now so I am on hold again. It's driving me crazy though...I really want to get things cleaned out so that we can start thinking about what crib/dresser to buy, etc. I know its crazy as I am not that far along, but I just can't help it. I also need to give the house a good cleaning, but that is going to have to wait until the vomiting stops.

I am still having morning sickness. It's just a part of my daily routine at this point. I know when I get up in the morning I have to pee and to vomit. It doesn't phase me too much. I am so grateful to have this baby in my body, that I will gladly suffer through the morning sickness. Hopefully in a few weeks it will ease up a bit.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

We have a gummy bear...

I had another ultrasound yesterday. I was about 8 weeks 6 days along. Our baby now had little arms and legs and looks like a gummy bear! Hubby of course said it looks like a little girl to him! LOL. The doctor said that everything looks good. The heart rate was at 172 beats per minute. So, apparently, I have kept the baby alive in there despite my steady diet of crackers and ginger ale. The nurse called and said that my progesterone levels went from 13 to 18 which is what they wanted to see! Thank you, Lord, for allowing my body to finally do what it is supposed to! Help me to nurture this little one!

I had less morning sickness over the weekend, but now it is back in full force. I have been trying to get through the days without zofran when possible as it causes some major constipation. Most days I can't do it as I am vomiting too much, but I made it through 2 days this week and am trying for more!

We have come out to our co-workers and some of our friends. Everyone is super excited for us. There are a few people that we still have to call. Unfortunately there was a big accident down the street from us last night and we have been without phone service since then. So hopefully tonight we can call a few people!

Despite all the vomiting and fatigue, I feel so truly blessed to be carrying this baby. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we will decide to have any more children, but I can tell you that this baby is such a miracle and blessing. It is going to be SO loved...not only by us but also by so many other people!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The sickness persists

I have been dealing with morning sickness from the beginning from this pregnancy. Remember...I thought I had the stomach flu before I took the pregnancy test! It was nausea for awhile. Then it switched to throwing up now and then. Then at around the 6 week mark it moved onto vomiting 4 or more times a day. At that point, my lovely Dr. handed me a script for zofran.

For the most part the zofran does stop the vomiting. The only issue I have with it is the constipation side effect. So, I am TRYING to avoid using it if I can. Yesterday I started off with trying to avoid it...but it was a no go. I had to take it or I wouldn't be able to work. Today, I am struggling with nausea and trying really hard not to actually throw up. We'll see if I can hold out.

Every time I puke, I tell myself that it means the baby is doing well and that I am half way through this phase. I hope. I come from a long line of women who get bad morning sickness. My grandmother's got worse with each child until by the last one she had it all nine months. Let's hope I don't follow in her footsteps. I have a feeling when I stop the progesterone supplements, I will start to feel a bit better.

My lovely husband has been helping me out...I am so grateful for him! He has truly been trying to make me more comfortable. I love him so very much. This baby is so lucky to have him as a father...and I am so lucky to have him as a life partner.

Friday, March 11, 2011

7 weeks 3 days

Yeah, yeah, I've got a feeling, yeah.
All these years I've been wandering around,
Wondering how come nobody told me
All that I was looking for was somebody
Who looked like you.

We had another lovely appointment with Dr. C! Once again they drew blood and then we got to take a look at the little one. This time the baby is 1/2" long (double the size of last week) and the heartbeat is 166 beats per minute. As the doctor said, "it looks like a thick string bean." It feels so good to see the baby once a week. I don't know what I am going to do when I finally have to give up my weekly ultrasound. I think I will be going into withdrawal. Right now it feels like I have that window into my uterus that I wanted from the time we started trying to conceive.

The doctor told me that everything is looking good and he really has no concerns at how the baby is progressing. I think hubby and I both let out a sigh of relief. We are going to see him a few more times and then he is going to send us on the way. In fact, I have an appointment to see Dr. S (the ob/gyn) on April 8th per Dr. C's orders.

The last week has been a tough one physically. The zofran is helping the nausea. I have been nauseous since this kid was conceived, but I started throwing up a few times a day starting 2 weeks ago. Now with the zofran I only heave about once a day (before I get the zofran down or when it wears off). Unfortunately, the side effect from the zofran is constipation. I'm working on that issue! I am taking stool softeners, trying to eat more fiber, etc. I am tired, so I have just been going to be at 8pm. Honestly, none of it is anything I can't handle or wouldn't do if it means I get to have a healthy child! I am so grateful to God for answering our prayers.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Love you all the time...

Love you every day, girl [or boy]
Always on my mind
One thing I can say, girl [or boy]
Love you all the time

Hold me, love me
Hold me, love me
I ain't got nothing but love, girl [or boy]
Eight days a week

After 6 sunny days in Florida we are back. We had a wonderful time hanging out with Mickey and Minnie at Disney World. I can honestly say that I enjoyed myself despite morning sickness and my ride restrictions. If there is one thing I can say about the Disney parks, it is that they have TONS of rides for the pregnant woman!

Now we are back in cold PA, but we are still all aglow from the ultrasound appointment we had this morning. This morning we finally got to see Doctor Castelbaum again. It's the first time we've seen him since our initial appointment with him. He was SO excited that we not only are expecting, but also that we did it on our own! As he said "we beat the odds!" He gave me a big congratulatory hug! We of course teased him that if we knew all we had to do was walk through his door we would have done it sooner!

I got my blood drawn (Progesterone = 13 and HCG = 34,449) and then stepped into the ultrasound room. The doctor found the baby and right away, I could see a flickering. Yup, that's right...we saw a heartbeat! It was fantastic! The doctor said that our little blob is measuring perfectly. The heart rate was 133 beats per minute which he said was a good strong heartbeat. Hubby and I were both overjoyed with the news!

The doctor gave me a script for zofran (to help my morning sickness out!) He told us that he wants to keep us for a few more weeks for weekly ultrasound appointments and then he will release me to the care of Dr. S (my regular ob/gyn).

Oh, yeah...morning sickness. It has DEFINITELY increased over the last week. I am now throwing up daily. Last night I dry heaved/threw up about 3 or 4 times. The doctor told me it's a good sign that the pregnancy is going well and gave me a script for the zofran to help relieve the nausea!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Our new friend "spot"

I had another appointment this morning. It was for a blood work and my first ultrasound. Unfortunately, I had to move my original appointment to a later time so hubby couldn't come, but my mom came with me and seemed very happy to be able to see her grandchild. My hcg levels came back at a healthy 4810. My progesterone level is still 12.7, but they said it is okay since I am on progesterone.

The best part was the ultrasound. Although we can't really see anything other than a black spot, it is proof that there IS a baby in there! The doctor measured the baby and it seems to be right on track for its age. She also told me that the baby came from my right ovary. My mom thought it was so cool that the doctor could tell that. So, apparently, there IS something in that uterus of mine!!! Hopefully, it will keep on growing!I brought home "baby's first picture" for my hubby to see.

I go back on Friday March 4 for another ultrasound. We'll hopefully see a heartbeat then!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Parents #2 told...

We went to my in-laws on Sunday for my sister-in-law's birthday. It was nice to spend time playing with the kids. After dinner, we gave my sister-in-law her gift. In the gift bag was a spa gift card wrapped up in a bib that said "I love my auntie." She pulled out the gift card, unwrapped the bib and was concentrated on the spa pamplet. When she looked up, we said "Do you know what the bib means?" She INSTANTLY got it. Tears welled up in her eyes. She sprang from her seat and ran over to give us a hug! My mother-in-law also cried. We told everyone the story of how we found out and when we think I am due. Everyone was so excited!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Told my parents

Last night (after I had an anxious time of ordering my bridesmaids dress for my brother's wedding) we stopped by my parents house. I told my mom that I got something for my SIL's bridal shower I wanted to show her. When she reached inside the bag, she pulled out a bib that said "If mommy won't give you it, call grandmom." My mom looked up and said "You're pregnant!" A huge smile came across her face. My dad had such a look of relief on his face and also had a huge smile!!! Needless to say, they were surprised and very excited. We'll be telling hubby's side of the family on Sunday.

Beta #2 & insomnia

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log

Well, it was a really long night. I barely slept. It seems like I wake up at 2am-3am each night and have trouble falling back asleep. Part of it is probably nerves and the rest is just that my hormones must be changing my sleep patterns. Needless to say, I am exhausted all the time. Last night was no exception...I think I only got a few hours of sleep!!! I've got a BAD headache today (along with the usual nausea)...probably from the lack of sleep.

I went for my second beta test today. The nurse called me and told me that my numbers are rising nicely. My hcg level went from 396 to 619. They wanted it to at least double and it did that! My progesterone level went from 12 to 13.7 so that is doing okay as well. I am to continue on my prometrium and prenatals. I go back on the 23rd for my next beta test and our first ultrasound! They are going to look and see if they can see a black blob that it our baby!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Beta #1

The nurse just called with my first beta levels. My hcg is 296. She said that is a healthy number. My progesterone is 12. She said they look for over a 10, so that is doing fine as well. I am to continue on the 200 mg of progesterone daily and my prenatals and come back on Wednesday morning for my second beta test!

I am SO happy that things are looking good so far! Now, I just need the levels to double...please stick little baby!!!

Excited and so scared

Listen, do you want to know a secret,
Do you promise not to tell, Whoa . . . . .

It's been a crazy weekend. First of all, I have been experiencing a ton of nausea. I am not sure if it is pregnancy related or not. I like to think it makes me feel more confident. I have also been having some pain in the girls. They are definitely swollen right now.

While Hubby and I are still grinning ear to ear and somewhat in shock, the reality is also setting in. I have begun to feel nervous about how the baby is doing...if it is developing right and if my body is doing what it is supposed to. I think it's only natural to be nervous. It took us 2 years to get to this point. I am trying really hard to just tell myself that I am pregnant TODAY and not worry about tomorrow. But it is hard.

It's also hard to keep it a secret! We haven't told a soul yet IRL. I think we're just too afraid that it might not last and we don't want to get everyone's hopes up too soon. Our current plan is to tell our parents and siblings if the betas go well. I know I would want their support if anything happened later on. If the betas are not looking good, I think we might keep it to ourselves. We're so excited, but also cautious. I think we know too much about infertility and miscarriages for our own good sometimes.

Over the weekend we got this bib:

It says "I love my Auntie." It's my SIL's birthday so we might include it in her gift on Sunday if we are feeling more confident in this pregnancy. I have to admit...the infertile in me is terrified that we bought anything even so much as a bib. Its completely irrational, but I just worry we jinxed ourselves even though I know that a bib can't cause a miscarriage!

I had my blood drawn today for my first beta test. Hopefully the numbers will come in high! This day is SO long...I have a feeling these first few weeks are all going to be long...

Friday, February 11, 2011

It's true!!!

I took 2 more pregnancy tests at lunch. Each was a different brand. They came up positive right away! I called hubby at work...I just couldn't contain it. I cannot believe that I am actually pregnant! I NEVER thought this day would come!

God has listened to all of our prayers and answered them. Hallelujah!

Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for this blessing you have given to us. You have heard our cries and prayers and answered them. You never abandoned us. Please help us to protect and nurture this baby. Help this child grow strong and healthy. Dear Lord, please help my body to be strong so it can help this child!

Tonight we'll be celebrating somehow. And we're going to get a new camera. It was on my list of things to do before our trip to Disney anyway, now it is a higher priority. I have to document these moments of happiness!

Could it be?

I need to laugh and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day

I am literally shaking right now!!! So, I have been ill for the last 2 days. I thought I just picked up a stomach virus from my hubby (which I may have done.) As usual on Day 14 of my cycle I took a pregnancy test. I put it on my bedside table while I got dressed. Just before leaving the room I remembered to take a glance at it. I figured it would be yet another NO. To my utter shock it said "YES +". I let out a scream...literally. Then I ran down the hallway to my hubby. I don't think I even said anything except " Yes" and shoved it in his face.

I am TOTALLY terrified that it is a false positive. I mean...our chances of getting pregnant on our own weren't great. I also had a thinner lining than the RE wanted to see this cycle which is why we didn't do an IUI this month.

I am too scared to believe it is true after literally 2 years of trying...a zero sperm count...and tons of bleeding. So I am going to the doctor on Monday for a beta test. And I put in a call to the GYNO to get more prometrium.

I am trying to hold my urine so I can take another test today.

As my hubby said...we're gonna need to stock up on pregnancy tests to get me through the weekend!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Decisions, Decisions...

I am a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. I am SO excited to be a part of their special day. I love the dress that I will be wearing. My only real issue is basically the unknown. They are getting married in June. I just don't know if I will be pregnant by then. And thus, I am not sure what SIZE I will be by then.

I am already gaining some weight from the progesterone. It makes me hungry with a capital H and tired with a capital T. Hungry plus tired means I am eating a ton and not exercising and it has not been kind to me on the scale. There is only so much that I can blame on bloat.

I consulted with my lovely on-line friends...between the possibility of pregnancy and the weight gain from drugs, they think order my bridesmaids dress up one size. I can always get it taken in...which is way better than the "praying that I fit in the dress" scenario.

So, this weekend, I will be doing the measurements and then next week I will order the dress. This weekend I am also getting back to my regularly scheduled exercise routine. Even though we have had snow twice a week for the last month, that is no excuse for not hitting the gym. I am going to push myself!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

My Love/Hate Relationship with Progesterone

I don't like you
But I love you
Seems that I'm always
Thinking of you
Oh, oh, oh,
You treat me badly
I love you madly

I have been taking progesterone supplements for about 6 months now. I have a love hate with those little yellow pills. I love that they stop my bleeding. Progesterone supplements are the ONLY thing that extend my luteal phase. Those little lumps of yellow give me hope that maybe one day I will be able to carry a child.

Unfortunately, they also give me some side effects that I could live being incredibly tired. I can sleep for 12 hours and then get up and still be tired. It usually starts about 2 days after I have started the supplements so I know it is caused by my little yellow friends. I basically get up tired, go to work, and then go home, make dinner, and sleep again. I can only imagine that this is a small taste of what the first trimester will be like.

I have occasional bouts with nausea as well. For the most part, this has gotten better since I switched to taking the pills vaginally, but for some reason this month is bad. I have to eat to keep myself from getting sick, but at the same time I feel nauseous all the time and it is hard to choke down food.

The last thing is it make me hungry...and this is one of my biggest problems because I seem to be gaining some weight. I have been trying to make sure it is healthy food that I am eating. But the fact that I am eating more and exercising less (due to the fatigue) is a bad combo. I am working on changing this around.

Last night was a particularly rough night. I felt sick, tired, and emotional. Basically, I wanted to curl up, hurl, and go to sleep at the same time. I don't know why this month I am feeling the effects more than in past months. But, I am willing to put myself through this month after month if I get a baby out of it. Considering that my hubby has had a sore butt from all the injections since October, it's a small price to pay.

Progesterone...I love you...and I hate you...

Monday, January 31, 2011

First blood results - Natural Cycle

The nurse gave me a call back on Saturday. My estrogen was 149. My progesterone was 0.6. She told me that means that my body is getting ready for ovulation and to get "busy" for the next 2 days. I am to call when I get my period. I have to is WONDERFUL to get blood work information back within a DAY!

I called to check and make sure that my monitoring is covered by insurance. I am pleased as punch that it is! So, I actually won't have to pay for ultrasounds and blood work for IUI cycles. The only things we will have to pay for is the actual IUI procedure (which is $350) and all of my meds. A huge burden was taken off of my shoulders when I found out that monitoring is covered. That could have easily doubled the cost of each cycle.

The meds are somewhat covered. The femara will be a $20 co-pay. The ovidrel will probably be out of pocket as my insurance company will NOT pay for any infertility injectables. My next task will be locating the cheapest ovidrel pharmacy. So far it looks like around $65 is the cheapest for the medication.

So, hopefully, the cycle will cost:
IUI :$350.00
femara : 20.00
Ovidrel : 65.00

for a grand total of $435.00. Plus the cost of acupuncture if I want to continue that. The acupuncture usually is about 3 visits per IUI at $60 a pop...$180.00 total.

Here's hoping that the femara works on my lining and makes a big beautiful egg! Now its just the waiting to cycle that is killing me. We're supposed to go on vacation at the end of the month and of course, if all goes as normal, I would be ovulating WHILE we are on the trip. So, I won't be able to cycle then. The plus side is I will definitely be able to ride the roller coasters because I won't be pregnant...the bad side is waiting yet another month to get started!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

A man with a plan

AKA our first appointment with the R.E.

We met with the RE and went over all of our medical history. He said that he was sorry that we went through so much trying to get hubby on the right track, but he thinks that we are on a good course of treatment. We also did an ultrasound. The doctor was happy that I am ready to ovulate because he could see the exact "conditions" we're been dealing with. My follie was the right size for an unmedicated cycle...about 18mm. My uterus looks abnormalities. The lining is triple but too thin...only 6mm. The Dr. wants to see at least a 7. He said my lining is like teflon instead of velcro right now. The embryo would just bounce off. So, the plan is to do an IUI w/ femara + a trigger. He thinks my hubby's numbers are good enough to have a good chance of success with IUI. Assuming hubby's numbers are okay and I respond okay, then we'll do 3 to 4 medicated IUIs. If at any point the doctor thinks we just aren't going to have a shot with IUIs then he promised to tell us.

We really like Dr.Castelbaum. He seemed well informed, explained things well, and we felt comfortable with him. He did tell us that we are good candidates for IVF. He wasn't pushing it at all. He said he doesn't think we are there yet, but wanted us to know all of our options. I think he will be honest with us as to what our chances are with IUIs although the thought of financially (and physically) moving onto IVF scares the heck out of me.

So, I gave my blood for some initial tests and then we wait until CD1 when I call. I told him we are out of town on vacation at the end of the month and he said no big deal...we'll discuss what we think the schedule may be on CD1 and figure out if we will be in town then. If we aren't we'll hold off to do the IUI the following cycle.

Now I am sitting down and trying to figure out how much the IUIs will cost us. I know it is $350 for the IUI itself which insurance doesn't cover. Then we have the cost of the meds. I don't know if insurance will cover femara. I will call on monday. I know it won't cover ovidrel...I need to find out how much that costs. I also want to call back the nurse and make sure that our ultrasounds and bloodwork are covered by insurance.

I am excited to have a plan...but also a little scared that my body won't respond or hubby will not have enough sperm.

Friday, January 28, 2011

First RE appointment today

It sounds kind of crazy to say that with all we have been through so far...but we were so busy concentrating getting hubby on the right track that we just held off on the RE. Now that hubby finally at least has a count we're ready to move on!

I have to admit...I am totally excited to go and meet this reproductive endocrinologist (a friend went to him and had twins) but I am also a little scared. We haven't always gotten the best news from doctors in regards to fertility. We are finally getting positives on hubby's side so I am a little scared the doctor is going to tell me there is something really wrong with me. I realize that most of this appointment will be talking about our history and well as ordering I don't know why I am a little nervous.

Oddly enough I got a +OPK yesterday and have some ovulation pain the doctor will see me in my full glory...crampy...sore from shoveling 15 inches of snow yesterday...and tired. DH is just hoping the doctor will do an ultrasound. He said he wants to wave hello to my little egg.

Monday, January 24, 2011

And then I melted...

We spent the weekend hanging out with our nephews. My adorable nephews can melt my heart in split seconds with a hug & "I love you." And when we are in a room full of people and they choose to sit on my lap or show me their new toy makes me feel so special and so full of love.

I love you both, little guys! I love watching you grow and learn. I look forward to watching you explore life.

Run-ins with people who don't understand

See the people standing there who
Disagree and never win
And wonder why they don't get in my door.

Sometimes I just don't understand why people can't accept certain things about my work schedule. It is a fact that I work 6 days a week. It is a fact that I work at a minimum 50 hours in a week. Now, I am not one to dictate when anyone should plan a party, get-together, or other gathering. It often happens that someone plans a party on a Saturday night...when I work...and I simply say, "Thanks for the invite, but unfortunately, I have to work." I DO NOT expect anyone to shift their plans to meet my schedule. I am not that self-centered. It is my choice to work these hours. And I do not expect anyone to move their schedules around to have me attend any event.

If I can take off to attend an event, then I will. However there are two things that are involved with taking off:

1) I have to find someone to cover my shift. It is not the type of job where I can simply call and say I will not be in on such and such date. I have to find someone to be there and get it approved by management, or my butt has to be there at the time of my shift. There are very few exceptions to that rule...most of which involve being either hospitalized or dead.

2) Can I afford to take off? I have been paying for acupuncture appointments, fertility treatments, fertility medications, etc. with this extra money. And every dollar does count when you are looking at dropping $200/month for 1 medication alone...let alone a cycle of ultrasounds, various medications, at least 1 ultrasound, and blood tests. Unfortunately, our insurance doesn't pay for a whole lot with regards to fertility treatments. By my working this extra night a week, it helps to ease the burden of our infertility expenses while still allowing us to continue to save some money for our future. And at this point in our lives...we will do anything it takes to make our dreams of a child come true.

Most people are understanding that this is my work schedule. Most realize that I work 6 days a week...if you want to see me, then it is best to try to get together on a week night (assuming I am not working late) or Sunday (which is my only day off). But we do have a few people who just never seem to understand that this second job is a REAL job. I have to be there. Instead, these people plan an event and when I cannot come, give me a guilt trip over the fact that I am not able to attend. Granted, they didn't ask me before planning the event if I would be able to get off that day. It wasn't like they told me a date and I said I would get off from work and be there and then never showed up. I really do try to compromise. If your event starts an hour before I have to go to work and it is feasible, then I will be there for that hour and then go off to work. If I can come after work (which usually doesn't happen because I don't get home until 11pm or so), then I will do that as well. I am tired of dealing with the guilt trips. They need to stop.

I am also tired of people who know of our fertility struggles and just dismiss them. Look, I don't expect you to totally understand how I feel, but you can at least figure that maybe I am under a little more stress with this infertility business. My husband and I are BOTH having our bodies pumped up with hormones that make us feel like poo at times. At least realize that maybe I don't want to hang out with a room full of babies on a tough infertility day...maybe that is REALLY painful for both me and my husband. And I do this for you...often...because I want to spend time with you. I swallow down the pain I am feeling. But every now and then, I just need a day free of reminders. I know you think things are just going to magically work out for us, but the reality is that we HAVE to do fertility treatments if we want to full-fill our dreams of being parents. These treatments take a lot out of you. And when you are paying each month for a shot of having a baby, you're going to do whatever it is you feel is going to give you the best chance. So, sorry that I am not calling and having you over for dinner once a week. It is not that I wouldn't love to have you here and cook for you. It is that I am exhausted from the drugs, the stress, and my work schedule and I feel like my body needs to rest for the day (or evening) to give it the best chance possible of conceiving the child that we so desire. It is nothing personal. We are just going through a tough time right now on the physical and mental level. It would be nice if you could understand that and be supportive instead of adding to the stress level with your passive aggressive behavior. I just don't need it. I know in your world everything revolves around you and your needs. Just realize that I am trying to take care of myself right now and if I can I will do as you wish.

I also wanted to say to the people who really support both me and my husband in our fertility issues (and my work schedule) that I really do appreciate you being in our life. You have made the burden on our shoulders a little lighter. I love you!

Friday, January 21, 2011

A night with my guys...

We would sing and dance around
because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

Yup, I said with guys plural. Tonight I get to spend the evening with hubby and my two handsome nephews. I have a date to watch Toy Story 2 with my 3 little men! What a wonderful start to the weekend.

Well said...

For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?
-Laura Bush

Well said, Laura...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Fertility Sock shopping

Aunt Flow has decided to grace me with her presence and I still have a week and a half before our consultation. So, to keep my brain occupied I have decided to purchase some new "good luck" fertility socks to wear to my procedures.

It may seem silly, but it makes me happy to have a funky pair of socks on my feet while I sit half naked on a table with everyone and their brother taking a look into private regions.

Here is what I ordered:

So, when I get home tonight, I will be throwing a few old pairs of socks out. (I have many old, sad, worn out that won't be hard to do!) Hopefully, these will arrive before my first appointment!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Burn, baby, burn

Uggg...I don't know what it going on this month. I am not pregnant as I get a BFN at 14dpo. However, my nipples feel like they are burning. They aren't chaffed or anything. It feels internal.

I had so many plans for Sunday, but honestly, I am just TOO tired. I have been seriously lacking energy since I started on progesterone. I know it's normal when that drug is in your system, but it makes me so frustrated. I have so much to get done and not nearly enough time to do it. Even hubby has noticed the cycle of fatigue related cycle. Unfortunately, I don't think things are going to get any better with any of the other fertility meds that are probably in store for me.

Speaking of fertility meds, poor hubby's butt is SO sore right now from one of his last injections. We're not sure why this particular injection is so sore, but it is not a happy camper!

And on a side note, I had one of the Discovery channels on last night. A show came on about a woman who gave birth to 2 sets of identical twins. Guess who her fertility doctor was...yup Dr. Castelbaum...our soon-to-be doctor. I was totally shocked when I heard his name. Hubby was a little worried that we may end up the same way, but the show explained that it was 1 in 1 million chance of it happening, so I think he feels confident in the doctor's abilities again!

Friday, January 14, 2011

I currently have the attention span of a gnat...

I really need the next 2 weeks to go by fast because right now all I can think about it going to see the RE. I cannot focus on anything else. I currently have less of an attention span than my 1 year old nephew. I cannot go on this way...

Funny, 2 years ago I was this way in the 2ww because I was nervously waiting to test. Now I am just anxious to see a specialist!

Monday, January 10, 2011

2011 is going to be better than 2010

2011 was a really tough year for us. It was full of tough news and hard times. There were a lot of tears cried.

-January started off with hubby being laid off for the second time in 6 months. Unfortunately, his new company decided to downsize and he was the new guy with the least experience.

-At the same time we learned that hubby's sperm count was not coming back. It was still zero!

-It took us 6 months to get into the specialized male infertility endocrinologist. It was a long wait filled with many tears of hopelessness.

-It took hubby countless interviews, resumes, and calls for hubby to land another job 7 months after he was laid off.

-The first month of hubby's injections were really hard on his body. He was incredibly sick and uncomfortable.

-We had several friends announce pregnancies or give birth. While we were happy for them, our sadness for our own situation was sometimes overwhelming.

-We had several issues with a family member who were trying to control our lives.

-I am still spotting and bleeding when I shouldn't be.

-Although by ob/gyn has offered to do IUIs for us, I only seem to ovulate on the weekend, so we only were ever able to do one ill-timed IUI.

-My brother (who is also a best friend) moved several states away. I miss him every day although we keep in close touch!

2011 is going to be better. My brother is getting married to a really nice girl & starting grad school! Hubby is already being treated for his issue. We have an appointment with a good RE in our area. (It was originally supposed to be this Friday, but the doctor had an emergency, so it will be 2 weeks from the original appointment...3 weeks from now.) I feel like going to the RE is just what we should be doing to really get this show on the road! I want this to be the year that I get my baby!

Friday, January 7, 2011


I just got a phone call that our appointment with Dr. Castelbaum had to be rescheduled. Apparently he has an emergency and won't be available that day...which I totally understand...but I don't want to wait another 2 weeks!!!! I just want to get the ball rolling!

Okay...back to trying to be patient again. At least once we are cycling, there won't be any interruptions!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Slight break-down...ramblings of an Infertile

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I know that is good advice. I just have a hard time following it sometimes. Last night I just burst into tears while I was talking to my husband. I totally just broke down. I think just 2 years of having so much spotting and bleeding has gotten to me. I just cried because I want to experience a 100% normal cycle again. I don't care what drugs I have to take to do it. I just want to be normal and maybe have a shot of conceiving.
I have been spotting at ovulation again. I don't know why I started bleeding irregularly again, but I am tired of it.

And of course because I wasn't rational, I began thinking terrible things. Things like early menopause....endo...bad...bad things that I know I shouldn't think because at this point there is no reason to worry.

At least I go to the RE soon...a week from tomorrow actually. I am ready to seek some answers.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Anxiously waiting...

I bet you think I am anxiously waiting because I am in the 2 week wait. Well, while I am in the two week wait, I am honestly not really thinking about it. I am anxiously waiting for my appointment with the RE on January 14th. While I am scared of more bad news, I am also really excited to see the doctor and finally figure out what my body is doing and why! I keep saying I need a little window into my uterus...well, this doctor is my window.

I ovulated about two days ago...I've had a little spotting...nothing too bad. I ovulated on the 12th cycle day this time and I think that is the reason I am not bleeding all over the place. It seems the closer to the middle of the cycle, the better off I am.

So, now I am waiting. I am waiting to see the doctor. I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant. (The second item I am doubtful of.)