Monday, April 26, 2010

Another year gone...

You say it's your birthday.
It's my birthday too, yeah.
They say it's your birthday.
We're gonna have a good time.
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to party party
Yes we're going to party party
Yes we're going to party party.

It was my 31st birthday on Sunday. I thought I would be more upset that another birthday has gone by without me being a mom, but I kept myself busy and just made a point to not think anything negative. And everyone around me was so wonderful that it wasn't hard.

My birthday weekend started off with hanging out with my nephews and sister-in-law on Friday night. My sister-in-law needed an extra hand and we were happy to visit with both her and the boys. My nephews were delightful as always. The baby gave me lots of smiles and baby talk and my older nephew was SO happy to play with his aunt and uncle and even more excited when we told him we would be eating pizza with him. A big hug before bedtime just warmed my heart. If I can't have kids of my own, at least I am blessed with a wonderful relationship with my nephews!

Saturday I spent working both jobs. The girls I work with on Saturday night were so sweet. They got me a card and an ice cream cake. They made me feel so special. I am not really a birthday person, but it is nice when someone acknowledges it. When I went out to the car, there was a single rose on my windshield. My husband had stopped by and put it on my car to surprise me. There was 11 more roses in a vase when I got home!

Sunday I went to the gym and grocery shopping. I ate breakfast with my husband, mom, and Great-Aunt. I did some errands in the afternoon. Then, we went to my In-Law's house for my birthday dinner. I was greeted at the door by my nephew who told me "Happy Birthday" and gave me a dozen roses. I got to spend the evening visiting with everyone. We played trash truck and playdough, talked, laughed, and just enjoyed ourselves. It was a wonderful day!

My husband wrote in my card that by my next birthday, we'll hopefully have a bun in the oven. I hope he is right.

Oh, Aunt Flow also decided to strike with a fury on my birthday, so hopefully, she'll be exiting the house soon!

Friday, April 23, 2010


Temperature’s rising
Fever is high
Can’t see no future
Can’t see no sky

You know my cycle has this way of making me feel like an idiot. Here I am...a few days into my period and it is still just very light bleeding. My temperature is still up (in fact, it's rather flat). And now I keep questioning whether this is light bleeding or just some REALLY heavy spotting.

Since my acupuncturist is trying to change my cycle (for the better) with herbs and acupuncture treatments, I expect some weird changes. I really do. I just feel like an idiot when I can't tell if my period has started or not. My gut is to say, yes this is my period, but I guess only time will tell. I mean, what kind of girl can't tell if she has AF?

So that leads me to what I want for my birthday: A normal cycle. One that has ovulation at the right time, a normal luteal phase, and a clear starting AF. I used to have one, but apparently I lost it somewhere in the last 8 or 9 years. I told hubby to find out where they sell those and buy a few (in case I lose one), wrap them up, and give them to me for my birthday! Sounds like a plan to me...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm praying for...

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Healing. Not only for me and my husband's infertility woes but also for my grandfather. My grandfather has had a troublesome month. He was taken to the hospital about a month ago for chest pains. Upon examination at the emergency room, they discovered he has congestive heart failure. A few days later, they also found a broken rib. Apparently my grandfather fell in the night and neither he nor my grandmother remembered to mention it to anyone.

Fast forward to yesterday, he and my grandmother finally got around to mentioning that my grandfather still has some pain when he walks. At first they thought it was the muscles from lack of use. But the doctors gave him an x-ray at his rehabilitation facility and discovered a fractured femur. I guess since he was on pain meds for his rib, he didn't feel pain in his leg and thus the doctors never knew about it. He spent the night in the ER getting xrays and talking to an orthopedic surgeon. My dad and mom stayed with them as sometimes my grandparents forget to mention important things like my grandfather's heart condition. At first they thought it would require a few they think that he did damage to the hip as well and will require a full hip replacement.

I pray for quick healing for him....and for us. I have an acupuncture appointment this evening, but depending on how the day goes, then I will cancel it and spend it at the hospital instead.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Bucket List

Things you have done during your lifetime

() Gone on a blind date

() Donated Blood

(X) Skipped school

(X) Watched someone die

(x) Been to Canada

() Been to Mexico

(x) Been to Florida

() Been to Hawaii

(x) Been on a plane

() Been on a helicopter

(x) Been lost

(x) Gone to Washington , DC

() Hugged a homeless person

(x) Swam in the ocean

() Swam with Stingrays

(X) Been sailing in the ocean

(x) Cried yourself to sleep

(X) Played cops and robbers

(X) Recently colored with crayons

() Ran a marathon

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Volunteered at a soup kitchen

(x) Paid for a meal with coins only

() Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch

() Seen the Northern Lights

() Been Parasailing

(X) Been on TV

(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't

(X) Made prank phone calls

(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans

(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

(X) Fed an elephant

(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue

(X) Fired a gun

(x) Danced in the rain

() Been to the Opera

(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus

(x) Serenaded someone

() Seen a U.S. President in person

(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe

(x) Watched the sunrise with someone

() Driven a race car

(x) Been to a National Museum

(X) Been to a Wax Museum

() Eaten caviar

(x) Blown bubbles

(x) Gone ice-skating

(x) Gone to the movies

(X) Been deep sea fishing

(X) Driven across the United States

() Been in a hot air balloon

() Been sky diving

() Gone snowmobiling

() Lived in more than one country

(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets

(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish

() Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser

(X) Seen the Grand Canyon

(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty

() Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle

(X) Been on a cruise

(x) Traveled by train

() Traveled by motorcycle

(x) Been horse back riding

() Ridden on a San Francisco cable car

(x) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World

(x) Truly believe in the power of prayer

(X) Been in a rain forest

() Seen whales in the ocean

(x) Been to Niagara Falls

(X) Ridden on an elephant

() Swam with dolphins

() Been to the Olympics

() Walked on the Great Wall of China

() Saw and heard a glacier calf

() Been spinnaker flying

() Been water-skiing

(X) Been snow-skiing

(X) Been to Westminster Abbey

() Been to the Louvre

() Swam in the Mediterranean

(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game

() Been to a National Football League game

() Swam with sharks

(x) Been White Water Rafting

() Written a book or screen play

Thank you, my friends...

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends

I have to admit. I was VERY down yesterday. I think it was a combination of working too hard and PMS. I just felt like I was in a complete funk. I mentioned this to my online friends at an infertility board I frequent and they gave me such wonderful support and suggestions. It is truly helpful to be able to talk to these girls. They all understand how I feel...something that I don't have IRL. They are in all different stages of the IF fight and using all different techniques. It's nice to have someone who can answer my questions or help me work through my feelings on those rough days.

Last night when I got home from work I climbed into the tub for a nice long soak. Then I made us some dinner (some soy noodles with tomato sauce...first time we ate them...they were good.) We popped Best In Show into the DVD player and laughed our butts off. It was nice to just sit and laugh with hubby. It seems like we haven't done that in awhile and it was just what the doctor ordered. I felt so much better after having that time to just allow myself to relax and not worry about anything related to our situation with infertility, job hunting, etc.

Thanks to my online friends and hubby I am feeling much better today. Optimistic. Ready to go another round and kick IF right in the butt. I spotted all day yesterday but it is starting to turn more red today. I have a feeling AF will be visiting me by the end of the day.

Monday, April 19, 2010

All things must pass

All things must pass
none of life's strings can last.
So I must be on my way,
face another day.

It was a frustrating weekend. I worked a 12.5 hour shift at the restaurant on Saturday with a bus person who tried, but was slow and an expo who was nothing but rude to me and the other waitresses. I have to put me in a bad mood. Hubby was away so luckily he didn't have to deal with my mood!

Sunday, my old friend (spotting) started again. I know I can't expect changes all at once and at least I had progress with ovulation this time. And I am happy that I have seen some changes. It's just that the spotting is so frustrating. I am pretty sure that my period will be here if not by the end of the day, then by tomorrow. I am trying to focus on the positive this cycle. But I can't help but be a little sad every time I start to spot. It means that Aunt Flow will be rearing her ugly head yet again and I have another month of disappointment. At this point I am not even asking to be pregnant...I would just love to have a completely normal cycle.

My 31st birthday is Sunday. I am trying really hard to let go of preconceptions I had about my life. I thought by this birthday I would already have a baby or at least be pregnant. And I think what bothers me the most is that I just don't know if I will be feeling the same way next year. My 30th year wasn't exactly the best of times. My husband got laid off twice (and is still unemployed though he is working hard to find another job), we ran into major infertility issues which are still unresolved, and quite frankly, I am just tired. I am trying to let go of this disappointment and be excited for the coming year. I mean...who knows what this year will bring? It may bring everything I have ever dreamed of. It may be when I have my first normal cycle since I came off birth control. It may be the year in which our child is conceived. It may be the year DH finds a job where he will remain until he just never know. I know I need to have more faith in God's plan for us. I know a child is in our future...I am just not sure exactly how or when.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I want this...


Ten things that make my day

It's too easy to become bitter and negative with IF. You have to remain grateful for the blessings you do have rather than the ones you don't. So...

Ten Things I am grateful for today (in no particular order):
1) That my husband is so wonderfully supportive and understanding. I know that sometimes my hormones make me so miserable that I don't even like me...and yet my husband never says a word about my mood swings.

2) For my dog...look I don't have kids so she is my baby! I love that when I come home she is sitting there ready to greet me and genuinely happy to see me. I love it when I sit on the couch and she just snuggles on up to me! There is a mutual contentment that is fantastic.

3) For our health...while our reproductive health may have gone to poop, our overall health is great. Neither of us have any life-threatening conditions and THAT is something to be very grateful for. I have been through cancer with loved's not fun to go through or watch someone go through. I am so grateful to be healthy!

4) For my faith and God...IF requires a lot of faith: in God's plan for us, our doctors, and ourselves. Faith keeps me from being totally depressed. I am grateful that I have a God to rely on and that all of this isn't on my shoulders because I could never bear it alone.

5) For today's it is sunny and semi-warm. The sunshine makes me feel energized...even after a long day at work. I am so grateful for those rays today!

6) For my family...although they don't always understand what we are going through, I know they have my back. I know that no matter where life take us, how we achieve a family, or what news is around the corner, we have people to support us through it all. When I am crying because I can't have kids and my faith is dimmest, they hold me and tell me it will be okay.

7) My internet have provided me with so much information. You have cried with me, laughed with me and continue to guide me on a regular basis. Some of you have gone through things the lie ahead of me. Some of you are behind me in the process. But I love that my questions are always answered without snarky comments, but with true caring. While I don't wish IF on any of them, I am glad that I have their company and guidance on this journey.

8) For spring...after the cold, dark winter I am grateful for this time of renewal. It gives me hope that a renewal will happen in our bodies. The flowers make me smile (and have a runny nose, but I can take the good with the bad). It is gratifying to watch the things I have planted grow and mature.

9) For my nephews...although on occasion it is difficult to be around babies, I am truly grateful for the two little boys in my nephews. When I am around them I truly feel loved unconditionally. I love doing the simplest of things with them...reading stories, looking for bugs, hugs, and their little voices asking me to play with them. I love the things they say and do. I love being an aunt.

10) For my job. Yes, it can be demanding and less than ideal at times, but as someone who has a husband who is out of work, let me tell you, I am SO glad to have it. I have been watching my poor hubby work hard at getting resumes out, networking, searching for opportunities only to still be left unemployed at the end of another day. I am grateful that I have a stable income and a means to pay the bills. I enjoy some of my coworkers and the way that they can make me smile in the height of chaos. I am grateful to be working.

Just the two of and my cycle

Two of us sending postcards
Writing letters on my wall.
You and me burning matches,
Lifting latches on our way back home.

We're on our way home,
We're on our way home,
We're going home.

I triumphantly walked into my acupuncture session last night and presented my chart. Andy was super excited to see such changes already beginning to happen. He even told me that I had a "textbook" ovulation chart. Imagine my surprise in having the word "textbook" ever applied to my chart in a good way. The last time those words were uttered by someone while looking at my chart it was my GYN saying "You have a textbook case of luteal phase deficiency."

So, I'm waiting now to see what happens with the rest of my cycle. I know that I shouldn't expect changes all at once...this is not what this process is about. I am afraid to hope that my luteal phase may actually be a little more normal. I am afraid to hope because I am afraid that like every other cycle, my hope will be crushed with the first signs of spotting...the point where I know this cycle is going to be like EVERY OTHER cycle I've had since coming off the nuvaring. Infertility is like that. I have this hope at the beginning of each cycle that maybe this one will be different. By the end of my cycle, I am a crying mess; hopes crushed once again. So, you can understand why I am cautiously optimistic.

We're on a forced break from TTC. Hubby's acupuncturist told him to wait 3 months before TTC again. So, we have 2 more months to go and then we'll be given the green light again. Hopefully, by that point, we'll actually have a shot at conceiving.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Making progress?

Get back, get back.
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back.
Get back to where you once belonged.

Monday night hubby had an ultrasound of his testes. The doctors don't really feel there is a structural problem, but they wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure. We'd hate to get the hormonal problem under control only to find out their is a structural problem. We're still waiting to hear the results but neither of us are worried.

And now for the real news...I have ovulated earlier than usual! Not by a whole lot, just a day or two, but I'll take it! I think I ovulated on day 17 or 18 of my cycle. My chart is probably going to show day 18, but I think it may have been LATE day 17 just from the way I was feeling. That said, I usually ovulate somewhere between day 20 and day 25. The last time I ovulated this early, I was on we are excited that I achieved this naturally! Let the dancing begin! I have an acupuncture appointment tonight...I can't wait to tell Andy, my acupuncturist. Now, hopefully my luteal phase will be a bit better this time as well. Andy seems quite confident that he can get my cycle straightened out in the next 3 months or so. I just didn't expect to see any improvement yet.

Thank you, acupuncture and TCM herbs! I heart you! I have been feeling much better since that initial depression. In fact, I've had a lot more energy. I am not sure if it is the change in weather or the herbs or the acupuncture, but it is a welcomed change!

Monday, April 12, 2010

A little help from my friends

I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get high with a little help from my friends,
Going to try with a little help from my friends.

So, this month I began to take some Chinese herbs or as I call them "My friends." I take one herbal blend for 1 week after I stop bleeding and then I switch to Herbal Blend #2 which is supposed to help with luteal phase deficiency. I haven't had any side effects from them thus far (other than a little heartburn since I started Herbal blend #2...not sure if it is the herbs or all the rich food I have eaten in the last week!)

Do I think these herbs are going to work this cycle?...not really. I know with most herbs it takes approximately 3 months for things to build up in your system and work. But, I am loving the fact that we may correct my cycle without the horrible bloating, breast swelling, and mood swings I had from clomid. I felt miserable when I was taking that drug and honestly, it didn't seem to help all that much anyway.

So, here's hoping that I get a little help from my "friends". I had a positive ovulation test on day 16 which I have only had with clomid before. So, that's an improvement!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Heaven with needles

Golden Slumbers fill your eyes,
Smiles awake you when you rise.

So, as I mentioned before, I've been working on my fertility issues with some acupuncture. So far, I have been LOVING it. I have never been so relaxed. Last night was no exception.

Andrew was running a little late last night. I just laid down on the table and listened to the relaxing music he had playing in the background. After a busy day of hustle and bustle, it was nice to just lay there and not have to do anything or be anywhere. If he waited a few more minutes, I probably would have fallen asleep.

Andrew came in apologetically although I assured him, it wasn't a big deal. We looked over my latest chart and I discussed the depression that I felt over the weekend. Since it cleared up, I wasn't too concerned about it. If it had continued on, I would have changed my herbal supplements or asked for Andrew to address it with a few new points. After looking over my chart, Andrew pulled out the needles. He said that we were going to add a few new points this session to help my body gear up for ovulation. I just chilled out while he put the needles in. He added a new one to my belly, a few new points on my legs, and a new spot on one of my wrists. So far, there is one point on my wrist and one point on my ankle that kind of give me a little electric jolt when he inserts the needle. It's not painful...just way more intense than the other spots. I then laid there under the heat lamps and just let go of all of the stress of the day. I felt the usual warm buzzing as well as sort of a swirling sensation in places. My limbs felt so heavy...almost I could forget that I have arms and legs. I was SO relaxed. Andrew came back to turn the needles and I felt all buzzy again, but in such a good way...I could have fallen asleep!

When my session was over, Andrew gave me my next round of herbs. They are herbs specifically for luteal phase deficiency. We discussed dosage, etc. And then I headed on home blissfully relaxed and with a smile on my face.

My hubby has his session tomorrow. He is going to see Andrew since his acupuncturist is away this week. I'm curious to see what he thinks of Andrew.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Here comes the sun

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

The weekend was rough. I was so depressed and not for any particular reason which always makes it so much harder. Each day when I woke up, a wave of sadness just overtook my body and left me so exhausted I could barely get out of bed. It's not the first time I have felt this. Probably not the last either.

Luckily, the depression seemed to pass on late Monday afternoon and has gone away. I can only assume it was some sort of hormonal shift. That is usually what happens to me when my hormones are messed up. Depression. Crying for no reason. Angry for no reason. And then it disappears as quickly as it shows up. A rainstorm that stops. Sudden sunshine. Thank you, God! I don't think I could have taken too many more days of that sadness.

So, hopefully my hormones are shifting back in the right direction. Back toward normal and away from spotting, long periods, late ovulation, etc. I can only hope and pray for this.

Tonight I have my third acupuncture treatment. I am so looking forward to just relaxing. The doctor has started me on an herbal treatment to help get my body going in the right direction. (My depression did start soon after beginning the herbs, so maybe it actually did something!)I was going to discontinue the herbs if I continued to feel depressed. Luckily, it seems to have gone away on its own. Andrew has another herbal recipe that he has ordered for me to help with luteal phase deficiency. Not sure when that comes in.

Did I mention I can't wait for my next acupuncture session?

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I had another relaxing acupuncture session last night. I was really looking forward to it as I was VERY bloated and uncomfortable with my monthly visitor. I gave Andrew my latest chart and laid down on the table. He inserted the same needles as last time plus one or two extra. He also put two heat lamps on of my belly to help make the discomfort of the bloating more tolerable and one on my legs. I laid there all toasty and warm with all this tingling and warmth swirling around my abdomen and up my leg. When my session was over, Andrew and I discussed my beginning some herbs. He put me on a basic formula to get my body gearing up to ovulate a bit earlier than before. He also found a specific luteal phase deficiency formula that he is ordering for me. Andrew told me that he sees no reason why I can't have a normal cycle within the next 2 months or so. And that he thinks both hubby and I are going to be back to normal when our treatments are done and we should be able to conceive naturally. It's nice to hear something positive in regards to our fertility. And even if we don't reach our normal states, at least it is VERY relaxing!