Monday, August 30, 2010

Two week wait hell...

You'd say I'm putting you on, but it's no joke
It's doing me harm, you know I can't sleep
I can't stop my brain, you know it's three weeks
I'm going insane

Days 8, 9, and 10...I was spotting pretty good. I wasn't sure if the progesterone wasn't working or if this is just something that should happen when I usually have my period. The nurse called me back and told me that it was normal and don't worry about it.

After reading online that prometrium can be taken either orally or vaginally, I switched to taking it vaginally. Some people think it is more effective this way as it when taken orally a lot of progesterone is lost as the liver breaks it down. I started taking the medication vaginally and then the spotting stopped.

I have had some very sore breasts and cramping over the last few days, but luckily AF has stayed away. I don't expect a BFP, but it is nice to have a normal cycle length for once!

Tomorrow I think I am going to test. I don't expect anything. I just have to before I discontinue the medication. Damn I hate the 2 week wait...I have all these symptoms which I am pretty sure are the progesterone. I know our chances are slim to none, but I still can't help but have a TINY sliver of hope.

Monday, August 23, 2010 little friend

If you're down he'll pick you up, doctor robert
Take a drink from his special cup, doctor robert
Doctor robert, he's a man you must believe,
Helping everyone in need
No one can succeed like doctor robert

Friday I went to the doctor and spoke to him about starting progesterone in my luteal phase to extend my cycle and prevent spotting. His answer was a resounding yes. So, I will be taking progesterone starting 2 days past ovulating from now on. I take them at bed time because of how sleepy they will make me.

So, I've been taking them for 3 days now. So far, no spotting! They are making me a bit drowsy, but I also had some sleeping issues over the weekend. We were at the shore and I just couldn't get comfortable in the bed I was in and slept like poo. Additionally, today I am feeling a little nauseous, but nothing I can't handle. From what I understand from the other girls on a board I frequent, expect early pregnancy symptoms while I am on these pills. As long as I don't spot and I have a normal cycle, I can handle ANYTHING. And at least now I feel like I have a chance (on my end of things) for a pregnancy to occur.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Tired and the journey is just beginning...

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I know that we are just beginning our journey with IF. It just seems to overwhelming and tiring today. We're already into the TTC thing 20 months. Its another 2 months until hubby gets another SA and will begin treatments. We have no idea if or when the treatments may work to bring his SA numbers back up. And that doesn't even include all of my issues. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if I can start progesterone supplements while I wait for hubby's SA to get to the point where we can do an IUI as I am tired of spotting all the time. I literally feel like there is one week out of every month where I don't bleed or spot. It's getting tiresome. Especially since my cycles are about 23 days long right now.

Today I am just tired from work, infertility, life... and I know we have a long way to go. Do I think we will eventually have a child in our life? Yes. For some reason the month of July is just stuck in my head...don't know if it is when my child will be born or if maybe we will conceive next July. I don't even know if July has anything to do with it...maybe I am just making up a month in my head so that in my mind there will be an end to all of this. I just don't know. All I know is that I want to be a mom. I feel it from the deepest depths of my soul. And that is why the thought of never being a mom (biological or adoptive) scares the hell out of me.

So today, I am going to throw myself into other things. I am going to take the dog for a walk. I am going to make a nice dinner for my husband. I am going to clean the house. I am going to exercise. I am going to do something that isn't related to TTC.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Why is it...

that hubby always gets sick just as I'm about to ovulate? (sigh) I feel bad for the guy. I think its just allergies kicking in, but he has a sore throat and congestion. And of course, my TTC obsessed mind is just screaming "No, not now! You can be sick in a couple of days...I'm ovulating NOW!" But of course I would never say that to him. It's not his fault he's not feeling well and quite frankly we don't know that he has any sperm in there anyway.

(Sigh) Why does life always work this way?

Friday, August 13, 2010

Blah Friday...

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

I don't know why, I am just having a down day. I am waiting to ovulate, but I honestly don't think that this cycle will be any different than the others. It will end in spotting and disappointment. Hubby and I are doing our thing and maybe one day we'll have a nice surprise at the end of a cycle, but today, I just don't feel optimistic. Hell, at this point, I don't even feel like I am going to ovulate any time soon. Today I just wish I could stay st home and lounge around in my PJS, eat ice cream, and watch terrible Lifetime movies that make my life look like a cake walk.

I had a good acupuncture appointment. I definitely felt a lot of swirling and heaviness in my body, particularly my pelvic area. I told my acupuncturist that I am seeing my doctor next week about progesterone supplements and he doesn't seem to happy with that. I think he wants me to hold off and see if the herbs work, but I have been trying that. My gut is that I need these supplements to have a normal cycle, so I am going with my gut and asking my doctor if I can start them now instead of waiting for my IUI. I am tired of the spotting and short cycles. I am just tired. Acupuncture has been great for making me ovulate earlier, but it hasn't helped with the spotting. I am tired of living this way. Now I have to see if my doctor agrees, but if he is okay with it, I am starting the progesterone. It can't hurt to try, right?

Additionally, I think I am feeling a little nervous/upset with the thought of going to my nephews 3rd birthday party. I just feel so out of place there. Everyone else is a mom, talking about mom things. I am literally the only one without kids. And it hurts to stand there and listen to them. I will go for my nephew...I LOVE him to pieces, but honestly, I just don't want to stay long. I know its not good to be in my little shell too much, but sometimes I have to do it to protect me. Sometimes it just hurts too much to be WITH everyone else in their fertile world. We're supposed to go to the shore with hubby's family the following weekend. Honestly, I just don't want to go. I am sure I will have fun with the kids, but I just feel like being selfish right now and not going. There is tension because of family drama that I just don't want to deal with. My mother-in-law tends to be controlling. The kids remind me of what I am missing in my life. Maybe I will feel better about it next week, but right now, the thought of going makes me want to cry.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Moving forward...

After careful thought, I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss my using progesterone supplements. We were originally going to wait until DH's SA was good enough for an IUI, but we don't know when that will be and I am being driven crazy with all the spotting. I feel like I bleed 3 out of 4 weeks and it is just unacceptable to me. I just want to stop spotting. So, I made an appointment for next week. Hopefully, he will agree with my request and I can start the supplements this month.

In other news, it's my nephew's 3rd birthday today. We are so happy that he is in our lives and can't wait to give him the gift we made him. We wrote and illustrated our own storybook for him. It features him and his baby brother as trash men who save the town from a huge mess! He loves trash trucks, so this will hopefully be a good gift for him. Happy birthday, little boy! Keep on dreaming!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

And we're back to the beginning

The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again

Well, another cycle has ended...only a 9 day LP. I don't know why it was so long the previous time and this time it was only 9 days long, but there is no use in crying over it. Unfortunately, Aunt Flow brought some nasty visitors with her--Mr. Bloat, Ms. Moody, and Mrs. Big Boob. I have been seriously uncomfortable. I can't wait for this to go away so I can start to feel human again.

In other news, my hubby has been working his new job for 2 weeks now. So, far, he is loving it! It is so nice to see him come home a happy, working man! We are fortunate that this job is so close to home. Maybe God meant for him to find a job closer to home before we bring a little one into this world.

I feel blessed that God has provided for us throughout hubby's lay-offs. Altogether it was almost a year that he wasn't working. (3 months...then he worked for 3 months...then was laid off for a second time for 7 months.) We are so fortunate that during that time we were still able to pay the bills and have health coverage(thank goodness we had health insurance through my job!)God is good!