Tuesday, December 28, 2010

So long Christmas...hello New Year

Another Christmas is done and gone. We spent a lovely Christmas Eve with my parents followed by Christmas Day with the in-laws. We got lucky and had limited exposure to kids...so our Christmas was actually pretty enjoyable. We got to spend lots of time with our nephews. We got lots of cuddles and love!

Snowy Sunday we spent with my family. We went to our favorite Mexican place for lunch. After lunch, we stopped at Blockbuster and got a few movies to entertain us while the snow fell. That afternoon we spent watching Toy Story 3, Despicable Me, and Inception as well as eating tons of junk food! It was a nice way to spend a snowy (blizzardy) afternoon!

Monday I had off from work and hubby got to join me! His office was closed due to the snow so we cuddled on the couch with the dog and read the day away (with shoveling breaks of course!)

Neither of us wanted to go back to work today, but we have to pay for those fertility treatments somehow! So, off we went!

On the fertility front, I am getting ready to ovulate again. We'll see if I ovulate at a convenient clinic time or not! We're not sure if we'll be able to do an IUI or not. In other fertility news, I finally set up an appointment with Dr. Castlebaum, the RE recommended to me by a friend. We set it for March 5. So, if we don't have any luck by that time, we'll head off to the RE and get things rolling!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The beginning...

Well, AF decided to join us once again. Yup, I got AF for christmas this year. I am not really sad...I am hopeful once again for this cycle. I am not sure if we can do an IUI this cycle because if my cycle goes the way it has been, I should be ovulating sometime around New Year's...when the clinic is closed. Regardless, we'll still try.

All the anger towards certain family members is out of me. I am now ready to just focus on the important thing...growing a good lining and a mature egg. I am focusing on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative in life.

Starting tomorrow...I have 5 days off. I can't remember that last time I had 5 days off in a row! I am so EXCITED! I have things to get done around the house and places to go, of course, but I also will have time to sit and read and relax! Just what the acupuncturist ordered!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

An open letter to all family

From now on, my hubby and I are going to do what we want for all holidays. We are done trying to compromise and please people. It is never enough for you. Someone is always crying that they aren't getting enough time with us and that WE are being selfish. For 31 years I have tried to compromise and put your feeling first. I have swallowed my own feelings and desires in order to make you happy. That ends today. I am tired of the joy being taken out of the holidays due to your control issues. Today I am putting my family first. In case you don't realize it, my husband and I ARE a family even if you won't recognize it. I am no longer going to be manipulated by tears and guilt trips. If you are sad and alone it is your own DAMN fault. Don't call me. Don't try to make me feel bad. Instead of playing the constant victim, you need to look inside and realize that you are never happy unless you are 100% in control. Life moves on. We are not 3 year olds any more. We are adults and we have our own lives. I am not your babysitter. I don't need to hear that you & Dad can't handle being alone as a couple for a few hours on Christmas morning. I am FREAKING COMING TO DINNER. I DON'T NEED TO HOLD YOUR HAND ALL DAY! I don't want to hear the crying about "why do I even bother to put up a tree since no one comes over." If you don't want to, then don't. I haven't asked you to do it once. I know you are upset that another family member is having Christmas, but don't take it out on me. LEARN TO MOVE ON or DO YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS. I would love to enjoy a nice pleasant holiday with you, but you won't allow it because you refuse to compromise in any way.

Today it ends.

Last time I checked, Christmas is not about a day. It's about God's love for us and his wanting us to love each other. We give you all the time we have out of love and you slap us back in the face and tell us that unless we spend all day with you, it is not enough. Well, sorry...you can either make the most of the time we have together and accept that your children also have families now, or you can see less of us because I do not deserve this type of abuse and I refuse to allow you to control my life.

PS. Thanks so much for putting all of this on us last night...its not bad enough that we are dealing with infertility at the holidays and that we just paid $200 to have another BFN. It's not enough that I have my period at Christmas. It's been hard enough to get into the spirit of Christmas. I truly appreciate your being a total ass to me and my husband because you don't feel like we do enough for you. By ALL MEANS, tell me what I can do to make YOU all better....NEVER bother to ask me how I or my husband FEEL. DON'T take into consideration our feelings...our hurts...we only work 60 hours a week, inject hormones into our bodies and never once complain when you ignore us at these family functions that you are so desperate to have us at because we don't have children.

Monday, December 20, 2010

IUI#1 is

a big fat negative...just as I thought it would be. Still I can't help but feel a little sad. I guess in the back of my head there is always room for a miracle to happen. But, the test was stark white. So, we're onto IUI#2...hopefully better timed. I am just not sure when it will happen. I have a feeling that my next ovulation should be over New Year's...when the clinic is closed...so we might have a wait.

I made it through the first family party last night. Luckily no babies there and no pregnancy announcements. Now I just have one more to get through before we can relax. Oh, and yup, just to twist the knife in my heart...I will have AF for Christmas....not the baby I asked for...

Friday, December 17, 2010

The inevitable...

I started to spot today...I have a feeling that AF is on her way. :( I am going to test on Sunday morning, but I think I already know what the answer is...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A crazy lady has invaded my body

I've been feeling pretty symptom free since my last post...no cramping...no bleeding. The only major symptom has been me being irrationally emotionally. I have noticed I am a bit short tempered and quick to cry. I have had this before with pms, so it isn't a totally new thing for me...but it has been a long time since I experienced it. I have the usual breast swelling, bloat, and fatigue that I get every month with my progesterone.

I test in a few more days. I really am not expecting good news on that front. But I guess I could be wrong.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Feeling better

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.

The spotting has finally stopped. It stopped around noon yesterday. It is amazing how much of an affect on my mood spotting has. When it stopped I suddenly felt my mood lift. The cramping continued all day and I have say it was pretty wicked. I have a small amount of cramping today, but I can deal with cramps. It was all the bleeding that concerned me...even if it was brown blood.

Now I am just trying to keep my mind off the 2 week wait. Seriously...my acupuncturist and hubby told me I have to take it easy and keep my mind occupied. Luckily, this time of year is so busy anyway that it won;t be hard to do. Tonight hubby, my sister, and I are going to Holly Night..a Christmas festival nearby. Saturday morning I will be baking cookies with my mom and cousins. Saturday night I am working my usual shift at the restaurant. Sunday I am in NYC bridesmaid dress shopping with my future sister-in-law. If anything, I am concerned that I will just be exhausted on Monday morning!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Could it be?

I think my spotting may have actually stopped. [Knocking on wood]. The cramps are continuing on, but I can deal. At least I am no longer bleeding.

Now, how can I get a window installed into this uterus of mine? I would really like to be able to see what is going on in there?

A little hope with a little help from my friends

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

Yesterday I was in a rotten, negative mood. Spotting always seems to put me in that mind set. And yesterday marked day 3 of spotting. I've also been having some cramping on and off since Monday's IUI.

Hubby and my acupuncturist keep telling me not to worry about it. The procedure was a bit invasive. The doctor had a hard time getting the catheter into my cervix, so obviously my cervix is just irritated and letting me know it. The spotting is becoming less each day although I think the cramping is getting worse. My cramps actually woke me up this morning. I think it is all pretty normal after an IUI though.

I had a nice acupuncture session last night. IT was completely different from the other ones I have had..he had needles in my ears, the top of my head, ankles, and legs. Nothing in the abdomen. He told me that I won't have any more sessions until I know the outcome of my IUI. As I left he told me to take it easy, get lots of rest, and just keep myself distracted for the next week or so. I plan on doing just that!

I think hubby and the acupuncturist are rubbing off on me. I am not in the dark, depressed place that I was yesterday. A glimmer of hope has entered into me.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Feeling down

I am just not feeling optimistic today. I was yesterday, but today I just feel sad. I guess I just feel like it isn't going to work today. That things were too messed up. It doesn't help that I am still spotting a bit. That always makes me sad.

I miscounted on the calendar...I test closer to the 17th not Christmas eve which is good. It will give me some time to recover before facing gaggles of kids if it is a BFN. Now I just need to keep busy to try and avoid thinking about the elephant in the room.

God how I hate how emotional this journey is...I am so tired of the highs and lows of infertility.

Tonight I have acupuncture...maybe that will help me to feel better!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A tough weekend

It was a tough "infertility" weekend. I arrived at work on Saturday night to find that a co-worker is pregnant with her second "oops" baby. She is thrilled and I am happy for her, but I have to admit that it hurts. I tried hard to smile for her and be happy for her, but I know that it dampened my spirits.

Later that weekend, we were hanging out with my MIL and were discussing medical expenses. She was complaining about hers and I told her we understand as none of our fertility treatments are covered. She told us, "well, it doesn't matter because you don't need them." I don't know if she is in deep denial or just doesn't understand the situation, but I couldn't believe that she said that after all we have been through. She knows the sperm count situation and while it has improved we're no where near to normal! I just felt totally discounted. I know I am being overly sensitive, but I guess I just want some sympathy of some kind. I am tired of being a strong, silent sufferer. I just want my baby.


Well, our first IUI is done. It was a natural cycle so I had to keep testing for my LH surge...which happened on Saturday afternoon...just when I didn't want it too! I think the IUI was probably timed too late due to a schedule issue. I did the IUI on the day of my temp rise which was 48 hours after I had the start of my surge. The doctor told me the day before would have been optimal (not that the clinic was open) but that we still had a chance, so we went for it. At least hubby and I "covered the bases" with the surge. So, hopefully between the IUI and our efforts at home, we'll get a positive.

So, now we just wait. I have to test on Christmas eve...hopefully I won't fall apart completely if I get a BFN as Christmas day I will be spending with tons of kids.

I go back to Andy for an acupuncture appointment tomorrow. If I am going to do this, I might as well try and give myself the best chances possible.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Watching paint dry

That's how I feel about the phase of my cycle I am in right now. I feel like I am watching the paint dry while I wait for that + opk. If it is like last month, then I should get a surge on Sunday and ovulate on Monday sometime. But, as we all know, my ovulation day has been known to move around. We'll see what happens. I am totally afraid that I won't be able to get off from work or that I will miss my surge or something. Hopefully I am wrong on all accounts!

My acupuncturist is feeling really good about our upcoming IUI. I am trying not to get myself too excited over it. It's not that I don't want it to work...it's just I don't want to be crushed if it doesn't work...especially with it being Christmas. I had a really good session last night. I felt very calm and relaxed and my whole body felt like it was buzzing! It was just what I needed.