Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sorrow and joy

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

This last week has been a blur. My grandfather had to have emergency surgery for an obstructed bowel on Monday. When they went in, they found the bowel had perforated, leaving him septic, and they discovered that cancer was ALL over the walls of his abdomen. When he came out of surgery, they had him on a ventilator and kept him sedated as the pain would be too much for him. He has yet to regain consciousness despite the doctors turning off the sedation, and his body is shutting down. His kidney and liver don't seem to be functioning any more.

The decision was made today to end his life support (as per my grandfather's wishes). The doctor has already told us that there is nothing that they can do for his cancer. It would be a painful death. His body is already shutting down. Machines are the only thing keeping him alive. So, today, they are going to take him off the ventilator, keep him comfortable with morphine and let nature take its course.

I went to visit him last night. Even though he is unconscious, I talked to him. I spoke to him about what we did for my birthday that day, names we were thinking of for the baby, fun times that we shared together. It's funny, when I was talking to him, his ventilator kept setting off alarms. When I stopped and everyone else joined the room, no alarms went off at all. I guess that was Grandpop's way of telling me he heard me.

I am not sure how long he will last. The doctor thinks it will only be 24-72 hours, but no one can be sure. It could be weeks, it could be hours. I pray for everyone's sake that he goes quickly.

Maybe this is why our journey to conceive took so long...maybe God wanted us to have new life coming into the family as one was leaving....some joy to help the pain. I know that my grandfather was so excited when I showed him the ultrasound pictures at our last meeting. He had trouble with his memory, but he remembered that I showed him pictures of the baby because he told my grandmother when she joined us. That's my last memory of a conversation with him...him being SO excited about the baby...

Great Joy. Great Sorrow. I pray that he goes quickly into the arms of Jesus...he won't have to suffer any more.

Monday, April 18, 2011

NT Scan & a busy weekend

Last week I had my NT scan. It was great to see our little one again. The baby was kicking its little legs all over the place. We even watched it turn. We saw a nose, hands and feet! I am so in love with this little one. Everyone keeps telling me they are sorry that I am so sick. Quite frankly the throwing up/nausea just don't bother me. I am so happy to be carrying this little one. I can deal with anything if it means that this baby will come out healthy!

This weekend was quite busy. My brother and future sister-in-law were in for wedding meetings (flowers, etc.) I had (or at least attempted to eat) dinner with my brother on Friday night. Saturday I went clothes shopping with my mother-in-law as my birthday gift. Saturday night I worked from 4 until 11:30. Sunday I got up, had breakfast with my brother and future sister-in-law and then threw the bridal shower for my future SIL! Everything turned out great for the shower, but after this weekend, I am exhausted.

On top of that, my grandfather is quite ill. They are doing surgery this afternoon for a bowel obstruction. I am praying that all goes well.

Monday, April 11, 2011

My first official OB appointment

Ring my friend, I said you call Doctor Robert
Day or night he'll be there any time at all, Doctor Robert

On Friday, I have my first OB appointment with Dr. S. It was a long appointment...almost 2 hours. I spent most of that filling out paperwork with a nurse. After the obligatory step on the scale and blood pressure reading (both of which as fine), I finally got to see the doctor.

Dr. S came in and gave me a big hug! "You did it!" He said. He went on to read a letter from Dr. Castelbaum. The letter explained how we came for a consultation vist. At that visit, he saw that I was getting ready to ovulate and sent us home with instructions to be intimate. And then, the later states, "lightening struck and Dawn became pregnant with a singleton." He literally wrote in the letter that "lightening struck!".

After a routine pap smear, Dr. S sat down with me and went over all the do's and don'ts...which I kind of already knew. He scheduled me for an ultrasound on April 13 and gave me scripts for a billion blood tests.

The only scary part of the exam was that the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat at first. It was only when she handed over the doppler to the doctor that it was found (and that was after he did a bit of searching.) Apparently the baby loves to move away from the doppler!

Hubby can't take off from work for the next ultrasound, so I am going to bring my mother along. She is thrilled that she will get to see the baby!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

11 weeks pregnant

It is so crazy to think that I am 11 weeks pregnant. I am almost done with the first trimester. While at times I feel like the day is never going to end (mostly due to morning sickness), this pregnancy is really going by fast. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real that I am going to be a mommy!

I have officially graduated from Doctor Castelbaum's office. I go to my first OB appointment on Friday. I am really hoping that the doctor finds the heartbeat on the doppler. I am in total withdrawal now that I am no longer having weekly ultrasounds. I need some sort of sign that the baby is doing well in there. I have this constant fear that I am going to get bad news. I have even had some nightmares about it. I guess that is the infertility still talking.

I am making some progress on the nursery. I cleaned out the closet. It is now free for baby paraphernalia. I just need to finish cleaning out the random stuff sitting in the nursery (some toys that my nephews play with, a random bookshelf, and the dog's crate) and then I think we're all set to start to start bringing baby items into the room. I am lucky in that a friend is giving me a crib. It was only used for about 6 months at her mom's house and is in BRAND new condition. It is the exact crib style and color that I wanted. We just need to find a dresser and then I can start going through all the baby hand me downs that we have been given. When I am further along I will register, but honestly, I don't think we really need all that much stuff!

So, without further ado...here is the crib we'll be using:

And here is the bedding: