Friday, July 30, 2010

Just the usual

As usual, I am waiting to see what happens with my cycle. More specifically, I am waiting to see if my luteal phase decides to be long enough. Right now, I am exhausted. I had a little red spotting this morning, but it has changed to brown this afternoon. I have had headaches and light cramps for the last two days. And my breasts are HUGE and painful right now. None of this things are unusual for pre-AF. I just keep praying that AF stays away for awhile.

Oddly enough, I had a dream I was pregnant last night. In the dream, my pregnancy test was positive. We spent the evening with our nephews last always leaves me wishing we had a child our surprise I dreamed about being pregnant. I just hope that it one day becomes true.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


So I thought I ovulated on Day 14 and that is when FF gave me crosshairs. Yesterday I had a WHOLE lot of brown bleeding. Today, I punched in my temp and it switched my ovulation date to day 16. So, I am not sure exactly what day I ovulated on, but I ovulated and the brown spotting appears to have gone away...hopefully it will stay away for awhile longer! i don't think I am going to be pregnant this month as I don't think any of the factors which caused our infertility have changed, but we certainly gave it a good try.

I have acupuncture tonight. I cannot wait to just chill out.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Cry baby cry
Make your mother sigh
She's old enough to know better.

I ovulated on Day 14 (yes!) only to start to have some heavy brown spotting 4 days past ovulation. It feels like my period will be here any second. (sigh) I just wish I could have a normal cycle. I don't know why I get excited when I see improvement one usually means the next one is going to shit.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Family...can't live with them...can't live without them

I don't like you
But I love you
See that I'm always
Thinking of you

Hubby has been dealing with some family issues lately...particularly his relationship with his parents. There is a long family history, but essentially he feels very judged by them and like they don't listen or care about things going on in his life. They do have a tendency to be very controlling. Every conversation is all about them and if it is about you, then it is what you should be doing in their eyes. Last week his sister and mom had a fight which brought all of these old feelings up in him again. In the past, he has just kept them at a distance, but he is worried that if we do have a child, how he can handle having them in his child's life but not trying to take over his life. He is also feeling guilty that he would much rather spend time with my parents than his.

Hubby started his job this week, so the first few days of the week were consumed with new job jitters and pushed the thoughts of his family issues to the side. Yesterday, it all came flooding down on him. He ended up ditching acupuncture and just spent some time alone sorting out what he is feeling.

My mom has had similar issues with her father, so I suggested he go talk to her to see how she deals with it. I think talking to her helped some. She also made the suggestion that hubby and his sister go to counseling together to figure out the best way to handle their parents. Obviously we can't make them change, we can only change how we deal with them. And hubby wants to make sure he doesn't repeat the same mistakes his parents made if and when we do have a child.

I am praying hard for healing for my hubby and his family. I hate to see him so torn up.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Well said...

"...each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" -Laura Bush, Ladies' Home Journal, June 2010

I had no idea that Laura Bush (and many other famous presidential women) dealt with infertility. Laura was able to put into words what I think many of us feel...that emptiness that other people who have children just don't understand.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

If only it were as simple as this...

I may have to pick this shirt up one day.

Another day in paradise

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me.

It never ceases to amaze me how hopeful I am at the beginning of a new cycle. I don't know if it is that way for other women suffering from infertility. For me there is a feeling of hope at the beginning of each my cycle is just going to fix itself and hubby's sperm count will be just fine. Then after I ovulate, the hope tends to go down the tubes once the spotting starts.

But for now, I am hopeful. Right now I am thinking about what our baby would look like, etc.

It was a tough week emotionally last week. There is fighting going on in hubby's family. I was tired and cranky from dealing with people at work. And quite frankly, I was just ready for a day off. I had worked the last 13 days in a row. Friday night we babysat and had a wonderful time with the kids. Sunday I just relaxed. It was lovely.

We have our nephew's baptism this week and I am just hoping that too many people won't be doing the whole "you's your turn to produce offspring" thing. It gets old fast..and I am a little sensitive. My usual MO is to just keep busy with the kids and not hang out with the adults too much.

I started using the fertility monitor this month. We'll see if it is able to predict my cycle. From what I understand, it can take a few months to learn your cycle. Hopefully this isn't a complete waste of money. I've had a HIGH reading for the last 2 days...hopefully I will get a peak reading soon. Hubby and I do want to keep trying. Even if it doesn't result in a least we feel like we are doing something rather than just waiting.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Another cycle done...with some improvement

I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
Yes I admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine

Well, Aunt Flow finally made her appearance on Saturday about half an hour before I went off to work. (Why does that always happen before I work a shift at the restaurant?) Although I had TONS of spotting, my luteal phase was was 11 days long...a big improvement from the 8 day luteal phase I have been having. I am not sure if it was acupuncture or herbs or just a fluke, but I will take it. At least it is an improvement. Now if I could do that next month without all the spotting, I'd be a happy girl!

I had a lucrative weekend at work. If I am going to work all weekend and forgo a day off, then I want it to at least be worth my time...and this weekend it was. I had a lot of really nice people and some cute kids in my section. I also got a ton of compliments about my service which always makes me feel good.

Friday night we met my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and my nephews for dinner. My oldest nephew insisted we come to "his" house after dinner, which we did. We played and had a good time. We're babysitting this Friday...we look forward to hanging out with the kids.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Just when you think you know you're cycle...

Waiting, waiting,
it seems so useless,
I know it's wrong
to keep on...

I've been having a ton of spotting this cycle. And while it is discouraging, it's not that unusual. I have had some pretty bad cycles before. Wednesday I thought that my period started...I had some very light red spotting that was borderline light flow. But, since then, the red bleeding has gone away (except when I poop) has most of the spotting. Now, I only occasionally get some brown spotting. So was that red bleeding my period (boo!)? Am I actually just having a longer LP for some reason (yippee!)? I still feel like AF might start at any minute. And my they hurt. I believe we have hit an all time record with a new size as well. I mean, they always, get tender and grow, but this is definitely one of the worse months for it. I have also been super gassy. Once again, not unusual...I get bloated/gassy and have boob pain/swelling EVERY month.

I took a pregnancy test today for the hell of it today (11dpo if that wasn't my period.) I know our chances are pretty much zero, but I have had one in my closet for over a year now...I have to use it or it will expire soon. It was negative, just as I thought it would be. I know that I shouldn't have any hope for a BFP this month for a LOT of reasons, but I can't help but have a little glimmer of hope this month. I'm trying not to let it get the better of me.

Now that I have written this, the cursed witch will probably show up this afternoon. (Sigh) I wish I knew what the hell was going on with my cycle. It drives me crazy!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The weight of infertility

Boy, you're gonna Carry That Weight
Carry That Weight a long time

Some days just truly suck. Some days it feels like I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. Today 2 different people announced their pregnancies on facebook. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach...especially since one of them is a total jerk. It always makes me wonder...why can't we have our own kid? I know for a fact that both of them started trying after us. I know that life isn't fair, but sometimes you just want it to be. You want a "get a baby" line formed and it should be a guarantee if you put in the time and effort and file through that line you should get a baby at the end. I just am afraid that I will never get to say the words "Hey mom, you're gonna be a grandmom!" I am afraid that I will never get to know what it feels like to have a baby in my belly.

Most days I am full of hope. Today I am just tired. I have been spotting for about 5 days now. I think my period is starting today (but I've thought that for the last 4 days.) My breasts hurt and are huge. My bra is cutting into me. I would not mind any of this if it meant I would get a baby at the end, but I know it is just another month of disappointment.

The worst part is that I know I will never be able to just "relax" through any pregnancy I may experience. I am always going to be afraid of losing a baby. Today I feel robbed of any innocence I once had.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Feeling weird

Sunrise doesn't last all morning.
A cloudburst doesn't last all day.

I'm sure I am not pregnant. So don't think that. I am thinking I am having some sort of hormonal shift...hopefully for the better...that or I have a UTI on the way. I have been peeing a ton in the last 2 days. No pain or anything, so I haven't rushed to the doctor with a UTI cry of panic! (Oh, yes, I have had many a UTI in my day.) My breasts are also quite sore. That started last night. This afternoon, I just randomly want to cry. I've also had a little random cramping here and there with 1 day of spotting...maybe some post ovulation pain or a cyst.

I had a really good acupuncture session last night. I felt such a swirling in my body and heaviness in my pelvic region. I am not sure if it is related to what I am feeling. Maybe it kick started my system. The only thing I hope to get out of this is a longer LP. Unfortunately 18 cycles have turned me into a bitter woman and I just don't believe that will happen. At least I am now ovulating on day 17 now! Yippee! That is something I never thought would happen without drugs.

In other news, my hubby has sent away all of his hiring paperwork, so hopefully he will get a call shortly with his start date. It's such a relief to not have to worry about unemployment!