Boy, you're gonna Carry That Weight
Carry That Weight a long time
Some days just truly suck. Some days it feels like I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. Today 2 different people announced their pregnancies on facebook. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach...especially since one of them is a total jerk. It always makes me wonder...why can't we have our own kid? I know for a fact that both of them started trying after us. I know that life isn't fair, but sometimes you just want it to be. You want a "get a baby" line formed and it should be a guarantee if you put in the time and effort and file through that line you should get a baby at the end. I just am afraid that I will never get to say the words "Hey mom, you're gonna be a grandmom!" I am afraid that I will never get to know what it feels like to have a baby in my belly.
Most days I am full of hope. Today I am just tired. I have been spotting for about 5 days now. I think my period is starting today (but I've thought that for the last 4 days.) My breasts hurt and are huge. My bra is cutting into me. I would not mind any of this if it meant I would get a baby at the end, but I know it is just another month of disappointment.
The worst part is that I know I will never be able to just "relax" through any pregnancy I may experience. I am always going to be afraid of losing a baby. Today I feel robbed of any innocence I once had.
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