Waiting for that dang Aunt

Well, cycle 21 is out. I tested this morning at 14dpo and it was a BFN. No big surprise there. Now I am waiting for Aunt Flo to start (probably Saturday). Hubby set up his next semen analysis for October 18th. He has to give his sample in the office which is a little scary for him. Hopefully we'll get some good news. Of course, if things go like last cycle, I believe I will be ovulating just when he has to abstain for his test. But, c'est la vie! At least we'll have some more information at the end of the month. On October 30th we go back to the specialist and then we hear what DH's blood tests and SA show and what the treatment plan will be. It will be nice to at least know what is going on in there. Most days I wish I could just look and see if there is sperm growing inside there!

Today sucks.

I caved and peed on a stick even though I knew what the answer would be. Yup, BFN. Why do I do this to myself? I pee on those stupid sticks even though we're pretty sure that hubby still doesn't have any sperm. I have to pee on one more stick after I finish my progesterone...just to make sure that God didn't cause immaculate conception, then I can start getting ready for the next cycle.

Hubby set up his next SA for October 18th. We're pretty sure that the results are going to be the same, but we are praying hard for at least some improvement. Hell, we'd take 100 sperm.

Today I am not hopeful. Today I just want to crawl back into bed. The rain is not helping my mood either.

I think I will do a good workout tonight. If I am exhausted enough, maybe I will just fall asleep and not keep dwelling on all of this.

Side effects...here...gone...here again

Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she doesn't have a lot to say
Her majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she changes from day to day

My body has been freaking out on me. I can only assume it is all side effects from the Prometrium. Friday I felt particularly crummy...nausea coming in waves, sore & swollen breasts, and something that feels like ovulation pain. Saturday I felt the same. Sunday I woke up and felt 100% fine. Today I am back to feeling nauseous again with some minor back pain and some slight breast pain. Today I am EXHAUSTED as well. The weather is certainly not helping my cause...its rainy and gloomy out there.

I am supposed to workout tonight, but honestly, I might just go to bed.

Don't get your hopes up. I doubt any of this means anything. At the same time, I can't help but have a TINY sliver of hope. This BFN is gonna hurt!

Fortune cookies, mexican, and progesterone

My fortune cookie today said "Get ready for a life-changing event." I don't generally put much credence in fortune cookie messages, but let's face it...I am desperate for a sign that I am going to get a BFP soon. I don't think it is going to happen, but one can always hope.

Yesterday was a tough progesterone day. I was an odd combination of nauseous and desperately hungry at the same time for most of the day. I threw up once. Add on the fact that I thought my breasts may actually pop off of my chest from pain/pressure and you can imagine how shitty I felt. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it if I get a healthy baby out of this. I would gladly be sick every day for 9 months if I got to hold my child at the end of it. I truly do mean that.

Oh, and apparently progesterone makes me crave tacos. It was like this last month as well, but the craving has increased this month. I have had tacos 4 times in the last week and a half. I pounded down three tacos at a really good local Mexican place last night and threw one taco up when I got home. And what did I wake up craving again? Yes, tacos...apparently even up-chucking tacos does not make that craving go away. If I am pregnant, I am pretty sure a Mexican baby will pop out!

Prometrium...my best friend and my worst enemy

When your prized possessions
start to weigh you down

Today I am 7dpo and the progesterone is kicking my butt. I actually felt pretty good yesterday...bloat and fatigue seemed to go away. I had a lovely acupuncture treatment last night with a few new points which felt very relaxing.


This morning my temp is high and my breasts are so sore. Additionally, I have some lovely nausea that is affecting me this morning. I am carrying on as usual, but it is definitely a bit more challenging to be active today.

Prometrium...I LOVE that you give me a normal LP, but could you take it easy on the symptoms...it's killing me today!

Exhausted...

Two of us wearing raincoats
Standing solo
In the sun
You and me chasing paper
Getting nowhere
On our way back home

Today I feel totally depleted of all my energy. I was also a little nauseous this morning. Oh, the lovely side effects of progesterone. And with the fatigue, sore breasts and nausea comes my usual bout with negativity. It sucks to think I might put my body through all of this only to have the same end result. NEGATIVE.

I am trying hard to banish my negative feelings. I wear a pendent around my neck. I haven't removed it since I started wearing it months ago. It says patience. It is a reminder. I am trying really hard to have patience, but sometimes it is a struggle. Especially when all I want to do is curl up in bed and go back to sleep. There are a million things that I should be doing tonight, but honestly, I have a feeling all I am going to do is maybe walk the dog, eat some dinner, and then head to bed. Sleep is the only thing that sounds good to me.

We're going to...

Disney!!




I booked our trip on Friday. After a lot of consideration about where we want to travel to next, we decided on Disney. We want to explore Disney as adults and hopefully our next trip to Disney will be with our child. I am super excited to explore Epcot, relive old memories in Magic Kingdom, and just relax. It may sounds silly after our other travels to London, Ireland, etc, but it just sounds like so much fun right now. We can relax or be as active as we wish.

We find it helpful in our IF journey to have other non-baby related things to look forward to. That is why we have been planning trips even though we are TTC. Our trip to London last year gave us something to look forward to when Dh's count came back poorly. Disney is our next thing to look forward to if DH's count comes back poorly again. It just helps to know we have an escape coming up in the future when we are down and out.

Rock Star

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star

First of all, I want to say my hubby is a rockstar...working through adverse conditions all in the name of having a baby. Despite a long day, he performed his duties like a champ. He totally made up for all the times that I was ovulating and he was sick/injured/too tired.

And my body is working like a rock star this month as well. I think I ovulated on DAY 14! Yippee! Don't know if it is the progesterone from last month or the new acupuncture points, but I'll just take it. If I ovulated yesterday, then I will begin my progesterone supplements on Sunday.

Like usual, I don't expect anything to come of all of our hard TTC work, but if there is any month that we might have a sliver of a chance, it's this month. Why? Because my estimated due date would be June 9, 2011 and my brother is getting married on June 17th and I am in his wedding. God's sick sense of humor would probably make me go into labor on his wedding day.

I feel like a chicken popping out an egg

Well, it is day 13 and I have a peak reading on my monitor. I usually don't get a + reading for at least a few more days, so it looks like I might be ovulating early this cycle. Of course my body is ovulating on the day when hubby has to go into work at 3:00am for a ride-along in one of the company trucks and I am working both jobs. We'll see if any "action" will happen tonight or if we are both too tired. I only seem to pop eggs out at the most inconvenient times. Oh well...we don't know if any sperm is being produced anyway.

We'll see when I actually ovulate...but at least all the signs are there earlier than usual. I don't know if it was the new points in my acupuncture session or the progesterone last cycle, or just a fluke...but I'll take it.

Happy Birthday, Grandpop!

They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

It's my grandfather's 87th birthday today! We're going to head over to their apartment in the senior community and go to the dining room with them for dinner. We'll follow that with cake and ice cream at their apartment. We were going to take them out to dinner, but my grandfather has a lot of issues being out and about these days. Part of it is that he went through radiation therapy for prostate cancer which made him lose total control of his bowels. Part of it is that he can't hear very well any more. And part of it is that his memory is fading and he gets quite confused in new places. We figured the security of a meal within his senior village would make him more comfortable so he can relax and actually enjoy his birthday rather than being confused and nervous about what might happen.

Of course at the same time I am getting ready to ovulate. I got a high reading on my monitor this morning and from the signs I am having I think I will be ovulating sometime within the next few days. Hubby "took care of business" last night. Tonight we'll be with my grandparents. Tomorrow morning he has to be at work by 4:00am for a "ride-along" in one of his company's trucks. Needless to say, I don't think he will be in the mood. And that will probably be the day I ovulate. C'est la vie!

I truly hope that I get pregnant soon. I really do want to be able to tell my grandfather that he is going to be a great-grandfather while he still remembers me. I know that it would make him so happy to be able to hold his first great-grandchild. Hopefully, his memory and health will hold out through this whole infertility process. He is truly a magnificent man who is a very special part of my life. I would love to give him this special gift while he can still enjoy it. I know my grandmother would be over the moon as well. Last year, when she was coming out of that twilight anesthetic from a colonoscopy, she was asking my mom if I was going to have a baby soon because she really wants to hold a little baby again. I want to give that to her...as well as having this baby for myself, of course.

In other news, hubby and I were asked to be in my brother's June wedding! We're so excited for them and to share that special day with them. It's hard to believe that my baby brother is getting married and moving away. I am really going to miss him, but at the same time, I am truly happy that he found his life partner.

Lucky girl...

Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful partner in this whole infertility gig. My husband is a wonderful, strong man. He picks me up when I am too broken by IF to continue on. He brings a heating pad to bed for me when my belly is bloated from PMS and progesterone. When I am too tired to do much of anything (either from work, PMS, or life in general), he makes me dinner and puts me to bed. He puts up with all my whining and never once tells me to shut my trap.

I am so lucky...and I know it!

I'm only sleeping...

When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (float up stream)

I have having an extraordinarily difficult time waking up this morning. I know its just because I had an extremely busy weekend. I worked at the restaurant until 10:30 on Saturday Night. Sunday hubby and I used a chemical stripper on our vinyl kitchen floor and resealed it. Monday was filled with family get togethers and preparing for another week at work.

See why I am so tired? On top of that I have my period (which actually seems to be disappearing quickly...could it be possible to have a period that is less than 7 to 8 days long! Yippee!) Anyway, needless to say, I may have to resort to some sort of caffeinated beverage in order to wake up. I am not one to usually do something like that, but I am falling asleep in my chair at work.

Tonight's plan is exercise, eat, go to bed. I think that is all I have the time and energy for. This week also begins the "Better You" plan in our household. We're getting back to exercising and eating correctly. My goal is to make a healthy dinner for us each night and for us to exercise at least 3x this week. We'll eventually start doing more, but for now, we'll start off this way. We used to be great about doing both of these things, but lately we have slipped off that slippery slope back into couch potatoes. If we're going to have kids, we're going to have to be healthy. So that means back to working out and eating right!

Who knew?

I started my period this morning. I could actually tell it was my period and not have to second guess "is this heavy spotting or is this the start of my period?" It's been a long time since I have had a clear cut period. Usually I spot so much during my luteal phase that it is hard to determine the point where it is no longer heavy spotting and really the start of Aunt Flow. I would go back and forth...maybe it's just heavy spotting...maybe its my period...I drove myself crazy.

I kind of vaguely remember life being this way...you know...back when I was 18 and still had a normal cycle. Long before the pill, nuvaring, and trying to conceive. A time when I could just say...hey, my period started.

Who knew life could be this easy?

Nesting...not just for pregnant women

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps




I must be getting my period in the next few days because today I have the urge -no- compulsion -no- obsession to nest badly. All I can think of is what I want to clean, what I need to paint, what I must organize. And while I am sitting at work, I am getting upset by the fact that I cannot do these things right now. Yes, I am actually feeling panicky because I cannot clean my house.

I always get this to some degree just before I get my period. Usually it is a milder version where I just go home and clean my house. Today I am just feeling like I have to do it NOW and it is all I can think about.

I swear to God I'm not completely crazy. A little crazy, yes, but not as nutty as I sound in this post. I just go completely insane every few months. I have a feeling my body coming down off of progesterone has something to do with this. I can only hope that my period starts before the Labor day weekend or I may drive hubby insane!

My husband is really in for it when I am finally pregnant and nesting. I have a feeling it will start the day I conceive and continue for the next 18 years.

See nesting isn't just for pregnant women.

A new start

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where will it go

Well, I made it to 14dpo without getting my period. That is a HUGE deal for me. I haven't had a "normal" cycle since I came off the Nuvaring over 20 months ago. Instead I have had an 8 day luteal phase regardless of WHEN I ovulate (early in the cycle or late in my cycle.)

I tested this morning and got what I expected...a Big Fat Negative. But at least I had some progress this month and that this the silver lining to today.

I am working a lot right now. Long hours at my normal job. Still working my part time job on Saturday nights. The last few weeks I have been thinking maybe we're getting to the time when I need to give up that part time job. I am pretty darn tired of constantly working and only having one day off. I mean, I enjoy the job, but I also enjoy being able to do something on the weekend other than work. What keeps me there? Well, I am not sure how much our infertility treatment costs will be. I am not sure if the medication my hubby needs will be covered by insurance. And I don't want to knock out a potential way to cover said medication if we have to pay out of pocket. So, I'm going to keep on working all these hours and reevaluate after the New Year.