Thursday, May 27, 2010


Life is very short
And there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend

Well, nothing too exciting to report here. Hubby is still looking for a job. We're still waiting to go to the specialist. And above all, we're still in the same infertile position as before. Last cycle was a wash...literally the same cycle as I always have. Hopefully this cycle will show some improvement.

At some point, I am going to have to make a decision on how long to stick with acupuncture. Financially, it's a burden. However, while my luteal phase hasn't improved yet, I am feeling better (less tired, etc.) I am not sure at what point I decide that the acupuncture isn't worth the amount of money I am sinking into it.

I hate how much indecision infertility adds to things. With each step we take we second guess ourselves and wonder if we are doing the right thing. At least the specialist appointment is coming up. Once we know what is going on with DH's side of things, then I will look into getting into an RE for my side of things.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Good luck!

My hubby has a second interview today for a job that he really wants! I so hope that he gets it! I'm sending you all the good luck energy I have in my body, baby! I know you can land this job!

Mother's Day

I was alone, I took a ride
I didn't know what I would find there
Another road where maybe i
Could see another kind of mind there

It was a busy weekend. We babysat our nephews on Friday night. We always love to spend time with them. They make us laugh and remember why we are going through all of these tests and that one day we can have kids like them! Saturday night was a busy night at the restaurant. I didn't get home until close to midnight...needless to say, I slept in on Sunday.

Sunday...Mother's Day. We took my mom out to breakfast. I think she really enjoyed being able to spend time with us. When we got back I went to the grocery store for a few last minute items. The combination of the restaurant and the grocery store just seemed to bring me down. Everywhere I looked there were smiling moms with their kids. It was like an exclusive club that I am not allowed to join. And I so desperately want to. I want to be able to talk about how I didn't get any sleep last night because the baby kept me up, or the new milestones that the baby has achieved. I want to watch this little person develop their own see what they like and dislike. And right now...that just seems so far away. So, I had a little cry when I got back from the grocery store. Then I took a shower and pulled myself together before going over to my sister-in-law's for a Mother's Day dinner. There, once again, I played with my nephews. I am the only woman there who was not a mother and it was a bit painful...not because of anything anyone said or did...just because of my own awareness. But, I had a good time with family and friends. I don't want to hide or not participate...I don't want infertility to keep me from enjoying life. So I make myself get out there and do things...even if they aren't always comfortable.

The highlight of my day: When my nephew was giving me a good night hug and kiss he said "Auntie, come back and play with me later." It melted my heart that this little guy WANTED to spend time with me.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Moving forward

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It's been a week about moving forward with life. Despite a severe sinus headache, I've been trying to remain positive and not focus too much on my cycle. Instead, hubby and I have been just trying to remain focused on our relationship and keeping the spark alive. We've been spending quality time together...playing games, watching movies, hugging, kissing, and snuggling.

We both had our acupuncture appointments yesterday. Hubby's acupuncturist asked if he has been feeling more "potent" to which he answered yes. I have to say his drive has definitely been up...whether or not we make a baby, at least we're having some fun!

My acupuncturist was running behind a bit. I just chilled out and relaxed...listened to the music and fountains in the background. When he came in, Andy and I discussed how I felt (good with the exception of my headache.) He put in a number of new points this time..including a few on my head and neck for my headache. I felt like my body was buzzing all over. And the points he put in my heels were SUPER intense. I often wonder what makes some points intense on some days and not others. Hopefully, he brought on ovulation and a longer Luteal phase.

We have also told the last of our immediate family about the issues we are facing. We certainly didn't mean to wait to tell hubby's sister. Unfortunately, it was just a matter of either non-family members being around when we were with her or being interrupted by the kids when we were on the phone. Hubby said that she got quiet and told him that she was so sorry that we are going through all of this. So, that's out of the way. Now we just will continue the acupuncture and herbs and wait for June 4th.

And lastly, hubby has been out of work since January when he was laid off. He's had several interviews, but the process is going slowly with 80 people applying to one job. He got a call for a second interview today. He goes on Monday. God, I hope he gets this would certainly make things a little easier!

I'm trying hard to not focus on Mother's day. It's hard when every other commercial on TV is for Mother's Day. Especially the darn Hallmark commercial. I will be going to my SIL's for Mother's Day. At least the kids will keep me distracted. I keep telling myself that good things are around the corner for us...I just know it. I keep praying for it, too!

Monday, May 3, 2010

A Crystal Ball

Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried,
Anyway you've always known the many ways I've tried, but
Still they lead me back to the long, winding road,

I wish I had a crystal ball that could allow me to know if we are meant to have biological children. It would make things so much easier rather than this constant second guessing of ourselves. Should we do this treatment? Is it worth the time and effort to bother with acupuncture? Will this specialist even be able to do something for us? Or will all of this be in vain?

There is just so much uncertainty in our lives right now. We're waiting to hear about jobs that Hubby has interviewed for. We're waiting to get into the specialist. We're waiting to see if acupuncture can help us. Some days I tire of being patient. Some days I just want us to move forward with the process so that we can have a family. I want to be a mom on a Mother's Day instead of looking at all the moms with their kids.