Sorrow and joy

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

This last week has been a blur. My grandfather had to have emergency surgery for an obstructed bowel on Monday. When they went in, they found the bowel had perforated, leaving him septic, and they discovered that cancer was ALL over the walls of his abdomen. When he came out of surgery, they had him on a ventilator and kept him sedated as the pain would be too much for him. He has yet to regain consciousness despite the doctors turning off the sedation, and his body is shutting down. His kidney and liver don't seem to be functioning any more.

The decision was made today to end his life support (as per my grandfather's wishes). The doctor has already told us that there is nothing that they can do for his cancer. It would be a painful death. His body is already shutting down. Machines are the only thing keeping him alive. So, today, they are going to take him off the ventilator, keep him comfortable with morphine and let nature take its course.

I went to visit him last night. Even though he is unconscious, I talked to him. I spoke to him about what we did for my birthday that day, names we were thinking of for the baby, fun times that we shared together. It's funny, when I was talking to him, his ventilator kept setting off alarms. When I stopped and everyone else joined the room, no alarms went off at all. I guess that was Grandpop's way of telling me he heard me.

I am not sure how long he will last. The doctor thinks it will only be 24-72 hours, but no one can be sure. It could be weeks, it could be hours. I pray for everyone's sake that he goes quickly.

Maybe this is why our journey to conceive took so long...maybe God wanted us to have new life coming into the family as one was leaving....some joy to help the pain. I know that my grandfather was so excited when I showed him the ultrasound pictures at our last meeting. He had trouble with his memory, but he remembered that I showed him pictures of the baby because he told my grandmother when she joined us. That's my last memory of a conversation with him...him being SO excited about the baby...

Great Joy. Great Sorrow. I pray that he goes quickly into the arms of Jesus...he won't have to suffer any more.