Waiting...

Life is very short
And there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend

Well, nothing too exciting to report here. Hubby is still looking for a job. We're still waiting to go to the specialist. And above all, we're still in the same infertile position as before. Last cycle was a wash...literally the same cycle as I always have. Hopefully this cycle will show some improvement.

At some point, I am going to have to make a decision on how long to stick with acupuncture. Financially, it's a burden. However, while my luteal phase hasn't improved yet, I am feeling better (less tired, etc.) I am not sure at what point I decide that the acupuncture isn't worth the amount of money I am sinking into it.

I hate how much indecision infertility adds to things. With each step we take we second guess ourselves and wonder if we are doing the right thing. At least the specialist appointment is coming up. Once we know what is going on with DH's side of things, then I will look into getting into an RE for my side of things.

Good luck!

My hubby has a second interview today for a job that he really wants! I so hope that he gets it! I'm sending you all the good luck energy I have in my body, baby! I know you can land this job!

Mother's Day

I was alone, I took a ride
I didn't know what I would find there
Another road where maybe i
Could see another kind of mind there

It was a busy weekend. We babysat our nephews on Friday night. We always love to spend time with them. They make us laugh and remember why we are going through all of these tests and trials...so that one day we can have kids like them! Saturday night was a busy night at the restaurant. I didn't get home until close to midnight...needless to say, I slept in on Sunday.

Sunday...Mother's Day. We took my mom out to breakfast. I think she really enjoyed being able to spend time with us. When we got back I went to the grocery store for a few last minute items. The combination of the restaurant and the grocery store just seemed to bring me down. Everywhere I looked there were smiling moms with their kids. It was like an exclusive club that I am not allowed to join. And I so desperately want to. I want to be able to talk about how I didn't get any sleep last night because the baby kept me up, or the new milestones that the baby has achieved. I want to watch this little person develop their own personality...to see what they like and dislike. And right now...that just seems so far away. So, I had a little cry when I got back from the grocery store. Then I took a shower and pulled myself together before going over to my sister-in-law's for a Mother's Day dinner. There, once again, I played with my nephews. I am the only woman there who was not a mother and it was a bit painful...not because of anything anyone said or did...just because of my own awareness. But, I had a good time with family and friends. I don't want to hide or not participate...I don't want infertility to keep me from enjoying life. So I make myself get out there and do things...even if they aren't always comfortable.

The highlight of my day: When my nephew was giving me a good night hug and kiss he said "Auntie, come back and play with me later." It melted my heart that this little guy WANTED to spend time with me.

Moving forward

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It's been a week about moving forward with life. Despite a severe sinus headache, I've been trying to remain positive and not focus too much on my cycle. Instead, hubby and I have been just trying to remain focused on our relationship and keeping the spark alive. We've been spending quality time together...playing games, watching movies, hugging, kissing, and snuggling.

We both had our acupuncture appointments yesterday. Hubby's acupuncturist asked if he has been feeling more "potent" to which he answered yes. I have to say his drive has definitely been up...whether or not we make a baby, at least we're having some fun!

My acupuncturist was running behind a bit. I just chilled out and relaxed...listened to the music and fountains in the background. When he came in, Andy and I discussed how I felt (good with the exception of my headache.) He put in a number of new points this time..including a few on my head and neck for my headache. I felt like my body was buzzing all over. And the points he put in my heels were SUPER intense. I often wonder what makes some points intense on some days and not others. Hopefully, he brought on ovulation and a longer Luteal phase.

We have also told the last of our immediate family about the issues we are facing. We certainly didn't mean to wait to tell hubby's sister. Unfortunately, it was just a matter of either non-family members being around when we were with her or being interrupted by the kids when we were on the phone. Hubby said that she got quiet and told him that she was so sorry that we are going through all of this. So, that's out of the way. Now we just will continue the acupuncture and herbs and wait for June 4th.

And lastly, hubby has been out of work since January when he was laid off. He's had several interviews, but the process is going slowly with 80 people applying to one job. He got a call for a second interview today. He goes on Monday. God, I hope he gets this job...it would certainly make things a little easier!

I'm trying hard to not focus on Mother's day. It's hard when every other commercial on TV is for Mother's Day. Especially the darn Hallmark commercial. I will be going to my SIL's for Mother's Day. At least the kids will keep me distracted. I keep telling myself that good things are around the corner for us...I just know it. I keep praying for it, too!

A Crystal Ball

Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried,
Anyway you've always known the many ways I've tried, but
Still they lead me back to the long, winding road,

I wish I had a crystal ball that could allow me to know if we are meant to have biological children. It would make things so much easier rather than this constant second guessing of ourselves. Should we do this treatment? Is it worth the time and effort to bother with acupuncture? Will this specialist even be able to do something for us? Or will all of this be in vain?

There is just so much uncertainty in our lives right now. We're waiting to hear about jobs that Hubby has interviewed for. We're waiting to get into the specialist. We're waiting to see if acupuncture can help us. Some days I tire of being patient. Some days I just want us to move forward with the process so that we can have a family. I want to be a mom on a Mother's Day instead of looking at all the moms with their kids.

Another year gone...

You say it's your birthday.
It's my birthday too, yeah.
They say it's your birthday.
We're gonna have a good time.
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to party party
Yes we're going to party party
Yes we're going to party party.

It was my 31st birthday on Sunday. I thought I would be more upset that another birthday has gone by without me being a mom, but I kept myself busy and just made a point to not think anything negative. And everyone around me was so wonderful that it wasn't hard.

My birthday weekend started off with hanging out with my nephews and sister-in-law on Friday night. My sister-in-law needed an extra hand and we were happy to visit with both her and the boys. My nephews were delightful as always. The baby gave me lots of smiles and baby talk and my older nephew was SO happy to play with his aunt and uncle and even more excited when we told him we would be eating pizza with him. A big hug before bedtime just warmed my heart. If I can't have kids of my own, at least I am blessed with a wonderful relationship with my nephews!

Saturday I spent working both jobs. The girls I work with on Saturday night were so sweet. They got me a card and an ice cream cake. They made me feel so special. I am not really a birthday person, but it is nice when someone acknowledges it. When I went out to the car, there was a single rose on my windshield. My husband had stopped by and put it on my car to surprise me. There was 11 more roses in a vase when I got home!

Sunday I went to the gym and grocery shopping. I ate breakfast with my husband, mom, and Great-Aunt. I did some errands in the afternoon. Then, we went to my In-Law's house for my birthday dinner. I was greeted at the door by my nephew who told me "Happy Birthday" and gave me a dozen roses. I got to spend the evening visiting with everyone. We played trash truck and playdough, talked, laughed, and just enjoyed ourselves. It was a wonderful day!

My husband wrote in my card that by my next birthday, we'll hopefully have a bun in the oven. I hope he is right.

Oh, Aunt Flow also decided to strike with a fury on my birthday, so hopefully, she'll be exiting the house soon!

Huh?

Temperature’s rising
Fever is high
Can’t see no future
Can’t see no sky


You know my cycle has this way of making me feel like an idiot. Here I am...a few days into my period and it is still just very light bleeding. My temperature is still up (in fact, it's rather flat). And now I keep questioning whether this is light bleeding or just some REALLY heavy spotting.

Since my acupuncturist is trying to change my cycle (for the better) with herbs and acupuncture treatments, I expect some weird changes. I really do. I just feel like an idiot when I can't tell if my period has started or not. My gut is to say, yes this is my period, but I guess only time will tell. I mean, what kind of girl can't tell if she has AF?

So that leads me to what I want for my birthday: A normal cycle. One that has ovulation at the right time, a normal luteal phase, and a clear starting AF. I used to have one, but apparently I lost it somewhere in the last 8 or 9 years. I told hubby to find out where they sell those and buy a few (in case I lose one), wrap them up, and give them to me for my birthday! Sounds like a plan to me...