So long Christmas...hello New Year

Another Christmas is done and gone. We spent a lovely Christmas Eve with my parents followed by Christmas Day with the in-laws. We got lucky and had limited exposure to kids...so our Christmas was actually pretty enjoyable. We got to spend lots of time with our nephews. We got lots of cuddles and love!

Snowy Sunday we spent with my family. We went to our favorite Mexican place for lunch. After lunch, we stopped at Blockbuster and got a few movies to entertain us while the snow fell. That afternoon we spent watching Toy Story 3, Despicable Me, and Inception as well as eating tons of junk food! It was a nice way to spend a snowy (blizzardy) afternoon!

Monday I had off from work and hubby got to join me! His office was closed due to the snow so we cuddled on the couch with the dog and read the day away (with shoveling breaks of course!)

Neither of us wanted to go back to work today, but we have to pay for those fertility treatments somehow! So, off we went!

On the fertility front, I am getting ready to ovulate again. We'll see if I ovulate at a convenient clinic time or not! We're not sure if we'll be able to do an IUI or not. In other fertility news, I finally set up an appointment with Dr. Castlebaum, the RE recommended to me by a friend. We set it for March 5. So, if we don't have any luck by that time, we'll head off to the RE and get things rolling!

The beginning...

Well, AF decided to join us once again. Yup, I got AF for christmas this year. I am not really sad...I am hopeful once again for this cycle. I am not sure if we can do an IUI this cycle because if my cycle goes the way it has been, I should be ovulating sometime around New Year's...when the clinic is closed. Regardless, we'll still try.

All the anger towards certain family members is out of me. I am now ready to just focus on the important thing...growing a good lining and a mature egg. I am focusing on the positive rather than dwelling on the negative in life.

Starting tomorrow...I have 5 days off. I can't remember that last time I had 5 days off in a row! I am so EXCITED! I have things to get done around the house and places to go, of course, but I also will have time to sit and read and relax! Just what the acupuncturist ordered!

An open letter to all family

From now on, my hubby and I are going to do what we want for all holidays. We are done trying to compromise and please people. It is never enough for you. Someone is always crying that they aren't getting enough time with us and that WE are being selfish. For 31 years I have tried to compromise and put your feeling first. I have swallowed my own feelings and desires in order to make you happy. That ends today. I am tired of the joy being taken out of the holidays due to your control issues. Today I am putting my family first. In case you don't realize it, my husband and I ARE a family even if you won't recognize it. I am no longer going to be manipulated by tears and guilt trips. If you are sad and alone it is your own DAMN fault. Don't call me. Don't try to make me feel bad. Instead of playing the constant victim, you need to look inside and realize that you are never happy unless you are 100% in control. Life moves on. We are not 3 year olds any more. We are adults and we have our own lives. I am not your babysitter. I don't need to hear that you & Dad can't handle being alone as a couple for a few hours on Christmas morning. I am FREAKING COMING TO DINNER. I DON'T NEED TO HOLD YOUR HAND ALL DAY! I don't want to hear the crying about "why do I even bother to put up a tree since no one comes over." If you don't want to, then don't. I haven't asked you to do it once. I know you are upset that another family member is having Christmas, but don't take it out on me. LEARN TO MOVE ON or DO YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS. I would love to enjoy a nice pleasant holiday with you, but you won't allow it because you refuse to compromise in any way.

Today it ends.

Last time I checked, Christmas is not about a day. It's about God's love for us and his wanting us to love each other. We give you all the time we have out of love and you slap us back in the face and tell us that unless we spend all day with you, it is not enough. Well, sorry...you can either make the most of the time we have together and accept that your children also have families now, or you can see less of us because I do not deserve this type of abuse and I refuse to allow you to control my life.

PS. Thanks so much for putting all of this on us last night...its not bad enough that we are dealing with infertility at the holidays and that we just paid $200 to have another BFN. It's not enough that I have my period at Christmas. It's been hard enough to get into the spirit of Christmas. I truly appreciate your being a total ass to me and my husband because you don't feel like we do enough for you. By ALL MEANS, tell me what I can do to make YOU all better....NEVER bother to ask me how I or my husband FEEL. DON'T take into consideration our feelings...our hurts...we only work 60 hours a week, inject hormones into our bodies and never once complain when you ignore us at these family functions that you are so desperate to have us at because we don't have children.

IUI#1 is

a big fat negative...just as I thought it would be. Still I can't help but feel a little sad. I guess in the back of my head there is always room for a miracle to happen. But, the test was stark white. So, we're onto IUI#2...hopefully better timed. I am just not sure when it will happen. I have a feeling that my next ovulation should be over New Year's...when the clinic is closed...so we might have a wait.

I made it through the first family party last night. Luckily no babies there and no pregnancy announcements. Now I just have one more to get through before we can relax. Oh, and yup, just to twist the knife in my heart...I will have AF for Christmas....not the baby I asked for...

The inevitable...

I started to spot today...I have a feeling that AF is on her way. :( I am going to test on Sunday morning, but I think I already know what the answer is...

A crazy lady has invaded my body

I've been feeling pretty symptom free since my last post...no cramping...no bleeding. The only major symptom has been me being irrationally emotionally. I have noticed I am a bit short tempered and quick to cry. I have had this before with pms, so it isn't a totally new thing for me...but it has been a long time since I experienced it. I have the usual breast swelling, bloat, and fatigue that I get every month with my progesterone.

I test in a few more days. I really am not expecting good news on that front. But I guess I could be wrong.

Feeling better

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say, it's all right.

The spotting has finally stopped. It stopped around noon yesterday. It is amazing how much of an affect on my mood spotting has. When it stopped I suddenly felt my mood lift. The cramping continued all day and I have say it was pretty wicked. I have a small amount of cramping today, but I can deal with cramps. It was all the bleeding that concerned me...even if it was brown blood.

Now I am just trying to keep my mind off the 2 week wait. Seriously...my acupuncturist and hubby told me I have to take it easy and keep my mind occupied. Luckily, this time of year is so busy anyway that it won;t be hard to do. Tonight hubby, my sister, and I are going to Holly Night..a Christmas festival nearby. Saturday morning I will be baking cookies with my mom and cousins. Saturday night I am working my usual shift at the restaurant. Sunday I am in NYC bridesmaid dress shopping with my future sister-in-law. If anything, I am concerned that I will just be exhausted on Monday morning!

Could it be?

I think my spotting may have actually stopped. [Knocking on wood]. The cramps are continuing on, but I can deal. At least I am no longer bleeding.

Now, how can I get a window installed into this uterus of mine? I would really like to be able to see what is going on in there?

A little hope with a little help from my friends

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

Yesterday I was in a rotten, negative mood. Spotting always seems to put me in that mind set. And yesterday marked day 3 of spotting. I've also been having some cramping on and off since Monday's IUI.

Hubby and my acupuncturist keep telling me not to worry about it. The procedure was a bit invasive. The doctor had a hard time getting the catheter into my cervix, so obviously my cervix is just irritated and letting me know it. The spotting is becoming less each day although I think the cramping is getting worse. My cramps actually woke me up this morning. I think it is all pretty normal after an IUI though.

I had a nice acupuncture session last night. IT was completely different from the other ones I have had..he had needles in my ears, the top of my head, ankles, and legs. Nothing in the abdomen. He told me that I won't have any more sessions until I know the outcome of my IUI. As I left he told me to take it easy, get lots of rest, and just keep myself distracted for the next week or so. I plan on doing just that!

I think hubby and the acupuncturist are rubbing off on me. I am not in the dark, depressed place that I was yesterday. A glimmer of hope has entered into me.

Feeling down

I am just not feeling optimistic today. I was yesterday, but today I just feel sad. I guess I just feel like it isn't going to work today. That things were too messed up. It doesn't help that I am still spotting a bit. That always makes me sad.

I miscounted on the calendar...I test closer to the 17th not Christmas eve which is good. It will give me some time to recover before facing gaggles of kids if it is a BFN. Now I just need to keep busy to try and avoid thinking about the elephant in the room.

God how I hate how emotional this journey is...I am so tired of the highs and lows of infertility.

Tonight I have acupuncture...maybe that will help me to feel better!

A tough weekend

It was a tough "infertility" weekend. I arrived at work on Saturday night to find that a co-worker is pregnant with her second "oops" baby. She is thrilled and I am happy for her, but I have to admit that it hurts. I tried hard to smile for her and be happy for her, but I know that it dampened my spirits.

Later that weekend, we were hanging out with my MIL and were discussing medical expenses. She was complaining about hers and I told her we understand as none of our fertility treatments are covered. She told us, "well, it doesn't matter because you don't need them." I don't know if she is in deep denial or just doesn't understand the situation, but I couldn't believe that she said that after all we have been through. She knows the sperm count situation and while it has improved we're no where near to normal! I just felt totally discounted. I know I am being overly sensitive, but I guess I just want some sympathy of some kind. I am tired of being a strong, silent sufferer. I just want my baby.

IUI#1...done

Well, our first IUI is done. It was a natural cycle so I had to keep testing for my LH surge...which happened on Saturday afternoon...just when I didn't want it too! I think the IUI was probably timed too late due to a schedule issue. I did the IUI on the day of my temp rise which was 48 hours after I had the start of my surge. The doctor told me the day before would have been optimal (not that the clinic was open) but that we still had a chance, so we went for it. At least hubby and I "covered the bases" with the surge. So, hopefully between the IUI and our efforts at home, we'll get a positive.

So, now we just wait. I have to test on Christmas eve...hopefully I won't fall apart completely if I get a BFN as Christmas day I will be spending with tons of kids.

I go back to Andy for an acupuncture appointment tomorrow. If I am going to do this, I might as well try and give myself the best chances possible.

Watching paint dry

That's how I feel about the phase of my cycle I am in right now. I feel like I am watching the paint dry while I wait for that + opk. If it is like last month, then I should get a surge on Sunday and ovulate on Monday sometime. But, as we all know, my ovulation day has been known to move around. We'll see what happens. I am totally afraid that I won't be able to get off from work or that I will miss my surge or something. Hopefully I am wrong on all accounts!

My acupuncturist is feeling really good about our upcoming IUI. I am trying not to get myself too excited over it. It's not that I don't want it to work...it's just I don't want to be crushed if it doesn't work...especially with it being Christmas. I had a really good session last night. I felt very calm and relaxed and my whole body felt like it was buzzing! It was just what I needed.

Onto the next step...IUI#1

Roll up and that's an invitation
Roll up for the Mystery Tour
Roll up to make a reservation
Roll up for the Mystery Tour
The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away
Waiting to take you away.

Well, that mean Aunt Flow showed up right on time. (Big Surprise, huh?) So, we're onto our first IUI cycle. To make it official, I stopped by the doctor's office and grabbed the lovely sterile plastic cup that hubby will need in order to make his contribution to the process.

Hubby spoke to his boss about the situation since we aren't sure exactly when he will need to take off from work for this procedure. His boss was really understanding as some of her friends have gone through the same thing. It definitely helps to have her willing to work with hubby's schedule.

We have decided not to tell anyone in the family what we are planning to do. We just don't want everyone to have their hopes up. If it works, we'll be thrilled. But, if it doesn't we don't want to bum everyone for Christmas.

The doctor is having me do an unmedicated cycle this month as he is pleased with my ovulation at this time. So, basically, when I get a positive ovulation test, I call the office and they schedule me for an iui.

I am praying hard that all goes as planned. Hopefully I ovulate normally, DH has enough sperm that day, we can get into the doctor easily, etc.) We're both a bit nervous about it as we haven't been through this before.

I bought special socks for my IUI. I know its silly, but since my part of the procedure is basically hanging out half naked, I decided to get myself something to help make me feel happy during the IUI. Hubby told me he is going to wear his lucky SA underwear. I know its silly to do these things, but I guess we are desperate!

Doubtful me

I guess I could technically start to test now. I am 9dpo. Honestly, I don't even have the urge to take a HPT. I guess I just really don't think I am pregnant. I have the usual symptoms of PMS...swollen breasts, fatigue. But honestly, nothing out of the ordinary except for a few light cramps last night before going to bed. I think they were caused by acupuncture. He tried a few new points.

This week has wiped me out. I have been doing the workload of 2 different people and quite frankly, it has worn me out. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight. At least I have the whole weekend off. I am working a 14 hour day tomorrow but then I have all weekend off!

Just another day in Trying-To-Conceive Land

I haven't posted recently because honestly there isn't much to post. Hubby's butt is starting to feel less sore. And (until this morning) he was also feeling better. This morning he vomited but it may be a stomach bug that is going around. Overall, we think his body is getting used to the medication.

I called the doctor's office to find out how much an IUI would cost us. The lady didn't have the exact numbers in front of her, but she said that it was approximately $100 for the IUI and something less than $100 for the sperm wash.

We tried on our own (again) this month, so hopefully, we won't have to do an IUI. But with our track record, we're planning on an IUI next month. We're still not sure how the whole procedure will work, but at least we know it won't break the bank to try it.

I am once again in the 2 week wait. I guess because I know the chances of my being pregnant are so low, I haven't been paying too much attention to any twinges I may or may not be feeling. I think this cycle is another bust, but I suppose that miracles do happen every day!

My HSG experience

I was totally nervous about the HSG. I will admit that freely. I was afraid of both the results and the actual procedure. So, when my mom and I left for the hospital, I popped the advil that the doctor advised, and sat quietly in my seat.

We arrived at the hospital, got checked in, and then went to Radiology. The technician had me get changed into a gown and then I waited around for my doctor to arrive. The technician told me that waiting for the doctor is usually the longest part of this procedure.

My doctor arrived. He told me not to worry and that once we got all set up, the test itself would be over fast. He inserted the speculum, got the dye and syringe all ready, inserted the tube into my cervix. All the while the doctor did this, he was talking to me. He told me everything he was doing and after each step he asked me how I was doing. At that point, other than the slight discomfort any pelvic exam gives, I was feeling pretty good. He pointed out the monitor where I would be able to see the dye and my ovaries so I could watch with them. The doctor then asked if the x-ray technician was ready. The technician nodded and told him yes. Then he started pushing in the dye. He told me, it's going to cramp, it'll be over soon. The moment he started to push in the dye I felt an incredible amount of pressure and a bad menstrual cramp that never let up. It was like getting kicked in the stomach, the wind was literally knocked out of me and all I could do was groan a bit when he asked me how I was doing. The doctor told me to hang in there...that they saw the first tube spilling and were just waiting for the second one...it would just be a tiny bit longer. I saw the first spilling, but then I had to close my eyes and just concentrate on breathing. I heard the x-ray technician yell out, I see the second one spilling. The doctor said "I see it, too" and it was over. And the intense cramp let up to a much more mild cramp that I could deal with easily.

The doctor told me that I did great. He said both tubes are clear so next month we can go ahead and do an IUI. The IUI is an in-office procedure, so I won't have to go to the hospital. He told me to take my time getting up and if I need anything at all, to please give him a call.

Overall, while the test itself gave a terribly painful menstrual cramp that didn't let up, it was over fast, so it was totally doable. While I wouldn't ask to do it again, if I had to, I know I'd be okay. Especially with the doctor there to talk me through things.

My mom asked how it went and I told her everything was clear. She was happy that I got good results. I am glad she came with me. While I didn't have her in there with me during the test, having her there before helped to keep me calm. She told me if I need her to, she can drive me to an IUI or any other procedure which is sweet. I don't think we're going to tell anyone about when we are doing an IUI (if I can help it). We don't want everyone to get too excited and think I am getting a BFP just to get a BFN. I keep telling everyone that an IUI is just giving us a chance of getting pregnant...no guarantee!

And we're going forward...

First of all, my hubby is the most dedicated dad...before we've even conceived. His poor little glutes are SO sore from these shots. I have told him that if at any time he wants to stop, he certainly can. I will NOT hold it against him. And he keeps saying, "give me the next shot...my body will adjust...I want my testosterone to be normal and I want a baby." You are a dedicated daddy. Thank you, honey, for all that you are doing for our future baby.

Oddly, the right glute seems to hurt more after an injection than the left glute. It's not the actual injection that seems to hurt him...he hardly feels that at all. It's the muscular pain from the injection. We're doing the injection in the correct place at both. I guess that is normal?

I went to see my Dr. today. Dr. S told me with hubby's numbers we can go ahead with an IUI. So, the next step is for me to get an HSG. He looked at his calendar and said "I'm going to get the nurse to schedule you for tomorrow. I'm doing them then and I want to personally do yours." The plan, if my HSG goes well tomorrow, is to then do an IUI the following cycle. I have to find out how much the IUI will cost me, but I think we can manage one this year.

I am so nervous for the HSG tomorrow. I have heard how sometimes they hurt and I don't handle pain well. I am also scared that I won't get good results. I am going to pray hard that it will go okay. My mom is taking me, so I will have someone's hand to hold.

Number Two down...only god know how many more injections

Last night after work, I gave hubby his second injection. We iced the spot down for a few minutes before giving the injection. He said that he barely felt the stick. We also massaged the muscle a bit and hubby walked around for about 15 minutes after wards and then put heat on it. I think the muscle is a bit sore today, but not as bad as the first injection. It's a process of trial and error until we find what works to help with the muscle soreness from the injections.

Hubby is also feeling a bit dizzy and nauseous today. It happened after the first injection as well and with coming on and off of all the various testosterone medications.

I am feeling very down today...mostly due to work. It's just a frustrating time here right now...I am up against a deadline that just isn't going to happen with all the delays that keep happening. I am filling in for other people's jobs, and I am just plain exhausted. I just want to sleep.

Nursing 101

Ring my friend, I said you call Doctor Robert
Day or night he'll be there any time at all, Doctor Robert


It was a whirlwind day in Philadelphia on Friday. We left early in the morning and caught a train to University of Pennsylvania Hospital for hubby's appointment with the male hormone endocrinologist specialist, Dr. H. The last time we saw Dr. H he thought hubby may have a mild form of hypogonadism. Hubby's body essentially doesn't make enough testosterone on its own. So, he had hubby go off of all forms of testosterone replacement therapy, and we did blood tests once a month for 2 months. Additionally, we did another SA (which I have already told you showed improvement.)

So, we went into see Dr. H at the appointed time. We LOVE Dr. H. I believe he and his wife went through infertility, so he is especially kind and sensitive with the subject. First things first...hubby definitely has a mild form of hypogonadism. His testosterone levels plummeted when he went off the testosterone replacement therapy. So, he needs to be on something to keep his testosterone levels up...namely hcG which I will talk about a in a bit. Secondly, his SA showed that his count is coming back (23 million sperm, 57% motility), but he was a little low on morphology...only abour 23% were normally shaped and normal is about 30%. So, we'll have to see if it is enough for an IUI yet.

So, the doctor explained that DH will be doing hcg shots 3x week into a muscle. He got us a script and told us most pharmacies don't just carry it on the shelf, so they will special order it if we just go to a regular pharmacy. The nurse came up with a list of specialty pharmacies that may carry the drug on the shelf. One was in Trenton. So, we hopped on the train and gave the pharmacy a call. They had the drug in stock, so we gave the nurse a call to see if we could come back for our injection class. We paid for the Novarel (which isn't covered by insurance)and luckily got a call from the nurse. She said I can help you at 4 so, we took the train back down to U of P Hospital.

The nurses taught me how to reconstitute the medication which comes as a powder. They also taught me how to draw up the needle and finally where and how to inject hubby. Unfortunately, this is a medication that must be injected into a muscle. So, at this point, we're switching off butt cheeks. After class we ran and grabbed the train back home. And then we went to the minor league hockey game that we had tickets for!

I don't think sitting on the train for 1-1/2 or the stadium seats was good for the injection because hubby was SO sore. To add to the injury, we had signed up to do a scavenger hunt in New Hope on Saturday night...yup, all that walking with an already sore bum meant that hubby was very sore yesterday! We decided to take it easy, and we settled in with a movie and dinner at home!

So, what do we do from here?

-Hubby gets injections 3x week. I give injection #2 tonight. I feel TERRIBLE that he is so sore. I got some tips from a few other people who do this regularly. Hopefully that will help. I don't have any problems with the injection itself, but I feel terrible about the pain he is in. I wish I could take the injections for him!

-In 2 months, hubby goes for another blood test. We then call the doctor to see if we need to change the dosage.

-In 4 months we get another blood test and another SA. We call for the results and to see if there is any change in dosage and to see if SA has improved.

-In 6 months, we see the doctor again!

And hopefully, by that point, we'll have a bambino growing inside me.

I see my doctor on Thursday to go over the results of the SA and see if we can proceed with IUI yet. I think we might be just a bit shy of what we need, but we can talk about it at least.

I think I am going crazy

I started to spot brown yesterday. I am so frustrated with my body right now. My temp was higher this morning, 98.13. So, I took a FRER. Within 3 minutes there was a faint second line, but it was so faint I couldn't tell if there was color or not. All I can think is that it is an evap line of some kind. And of course now I am at work questioning whether or not it was an evap line or a faint BFP. I guess I will test again tomorrow. I think it's gonna be a BFN though with all of this spotting and not much in the way of symptoms.

Celebration

We're going out for an official "Happiness is 23 million swimmers" dinner. It's not going to be anything fancy. Just me, hubby, and a cheap dinner. We know it's not a BFP, but any improvement in our fertility needs to be celebrated!

Let's dance and shout!

So every day we'll be happy I know
Now I know that you won't leave me no more

It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh
It won't be long yeh, yeh
It won't be long yeh, till I belong to you, woo

I am literally dancing in my seat right now. We finally got some good news on the fertility front! Hubby and I went to the University of Pennsylvania Hospital Fertility clinic for an in-office semen analysis on Tuesday. Hubby was SO nervous...about performing in the office (which wasn't an issue) and what the results were going to be. I guess I was thinking about the results when I went to bed on Tuesday night as well, because I had a dream that they told us that hubby's results were 20 million.

This morning hubby called for the initial results. Morphology isn't completed yet, but so far the news is SO encouraging.

2.5 ml total volume – anything over 2 is normal

9 million swimmers per ml so he said the total number in the total volume of 2.5ml is 23 million! That's a far cry from the 5 dead swimmers they saw last March.

Of that 57% motility(that’s the number that swim in a straight line) – he said that anything over 50% is good

The only thing they won’t have until next week is the morphology which is normal vs. abnormal.

We are OVER THE MOON! This is the first good news we have had in such a long time! We go back to the male reproductive endocrinologist next week. Then we will discuss treatment and the final results. I don't know if it is hubby's body naturally getting back to work since discontinuing the meds or acupuncture or just our prayers being answered, but we finally feel like we are moving in the right direction. Hopefully, it won't be long until we are either naturally pregnant or have an IUI that results in pregnancy! Hubby tells me to dream about a BFP...maybe that dream will come true, too!

Nervously awaiting

I want you
I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad
It's driving me mad

We're nervously awaiting hubby's next semen analysis. It's tomorrow morning. We're both trying hard not to think about it, but somehow it's possible outcome is all we can think about today. I keep telling myself (and hubby) that even if there is no improvement, it's not a big deal because he hasn't started the treatment yet. We know that mentally. But we also both know our hearts will be crushed with another utterance of "no sperm." We both want a child so badly...it's always on our minds.

Last week was such an odd week...lots of stress at work. I ovulated early but spotted for about 5 days around ovulation which totally threw me off. If hubby has some sperm in there, we timed things well, but my confidence in my own body is lower this month after all that spotting. I know a million different reasons for spotting, but it still doesn't comfort me. It didn't help that in the midst of my spotting I had to go to a party where I was once again the only childless woman. In a sea of moms, I sat there thinking about how my body was failing me once again and how I long for the things that these moms are complaining about.

So today, I have said about a million prayers...a prayer that we make it safely to the clinic...a prayer that hubby will be able to perform his test without an issue...a prayer that we will get good results...and as always...a prayer for conception to happen this month.

Ovulating early?

Come together, right now
Over me


I think I may be ovulating a lot earlier than usual. I have been getting a high reading on my monitor for the last few days. I started cramping and spotting yesterday and took an OPK in the afternoon and got 2 blaring positives. (I used a regular strip and then figured I must be wrong and used a digital.)I also had the usual ovulation pain. This morning I still only got a high on my monitor. Maybe my monitor just missed the surge...I'm not quite sure. It's so odd to be getting + on an opk on CD 10. It wasn't that long ago that I was ovulating on day 20!

But then this whole cycle has been weird. I usually don't spot mid-cycle. It started after an evening of "together" time so I guess my cervix got a little irritated or something. I don't have any pain, so I am not worrying about. If it keeps up, then I will get it checked out. I also am getting over a cold. I thought if anything the cold would push back ovulation, not move it up! And I don't know if my body is going to be successful at it. I mean, I don't have my temp spike yet. Hopefully I will get it tomorrow or so.

Poor hubby has caught the cold I had...you know at the critical time when I need him to perform. I feel so bad for him. He has been a trooper and he told me he wants to catch this egg so he wants to try. I am leaving it up to him. I certainly don't expect him to go through all of this with a cold.

Starting Friday he has to abstain in preparation for his next semen analysis. God, I hope that we get some kind of good news! We could really use it!

Just to make life more interesting...

I now have a cold. It has been going around the office and I managed to avoid it for awhile, but now my body has finally given in and decided to make my life hell...just as I am at my busiest point of the year. You know...already working my butt off to make a deadline and having something to do every night for the next 2 weeks. Thank you, body! Oh, and I am sure I will still have it when I am ovulating next week (just as DH is supposed to start abstaining for his SA.) Needless to say, I am not expecting a BFP this month. Hopefully, we'll get some good news with his SA and doctor's appointment!

He gets me through the day

Honey pie, Honey pie
Honey pie, Honey pie
Honey pie, Honey pie
Honey pie, Honey pie
I love you

Aunt Flow has stopped by for a visit once again. I have to say, since starting the progesterone, I am liking Aunt Flow's appearance much more. I am no longer guessing as to whether this is spotting or my period.

Along with Aunt Flow, came Cousin Cramp and Friendly Fatigue. I was EXHAUSTED on Saturday and of course it was an extremely busy night at the restaurant. I was really feeling it on Sunday.

And so...my hubby swept in and made everything better. He warmed my heating pad, made me comfortable and got me ice cream when I needed it. I couldn't have married a better man!

The dream...

My mother-in-law called us last night. Apparently she had a dream that I was pregnant and she was calling to see if it is was true. Oh, how I wish it was...I truly wish I have that gift to give our parents for Christmas this year...especially since my brother is moving away this month. I can only hope and pray it will happen for us soon.

Waiting for that dang Aunt

Well, cycle 21 is out. I tested this morning at 14dpo and it was a BFN. No big surprise there. Now I am waiting for Aunt Flo to start (probably Saturday). Hubby set up his next semen analysis for October 18th. He has to give his sample in the office which is a little scary for him. Hopefully we'll get some good news. Of course, if things go like last cycle, I believe I will be ovulating just when he has to abstain for his test. But, c'est la vie! At least we'll have some more information at the end of the month. On October 30th we go back to the specialist and then we hear what DH's blood tests and SA show and what the treatment plan will be. It will be nice to at least know what is going on in there. Most days I wish I could just look and see if there is sperm growing inside there!

Today sucks.

I caved and peed on a stick even though I knew what the answer would be. Yup, BFN. Why do I do this to myself? I pee on those stupid sticks even though we're pretty sure that hubby still doesn't have any sperm. I have to pee on one more stick after I finish my progesterone...just to make sure that God didn't cause immaculate conception, then I can start getting ready for the next cycle.

Hubby set up his next SA for October 18th. We're pretty sure that the results are going to be the same, but we are praying hard for at least some improvement. Hell, we'd take 100 sperm.

Today I am not hopeful. Today I just want to crawl back into bed. The rain is not helping my mood either.

I think I will do a good workout tonight. If I am exhausted enough, maybe I will just fall asleep and not keep dwelling on all of this.

Side effects...here...gone...here again

Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she doesn't have a lot to say
Her majesty's a pretty nice girl
But she changes from day to day

My body has been freaking out on me. I can only assume it is all side effects from the Prometrium. Friday I felt particularly crummy...nausea coming in waves, sore & swollen breasts, and something that feels like ovulation pain. Saturday I felt the same. Sunday I woke up and felt 100% fine. Today I am back to feeling nauseous again with some minor back pain and some slight breast pain. Today I am EXHAUSTED as well. The weather is certainly not helping my cause...its rainy and gloomy out there.

I am supposed to workout tonight, but honestly, I might just go to bed.

Don't get your hopes up. I doubt any of this means anything. At the same time, I can't help but have a TINY sliver of hope. This BFN is gonna hurt!

Fortune cookies, mexican, and progesterone

My fortune cookie today said "Get ready for a life-changing event." I don't generally put much credence in fortune cookie messages, but let's face it...I am desperate for a sign that I am going to get a BFP soon. I don't think it is going to happen, but one can always hope.

Yesterday was a tough progesterone day. I was an odd combination of nauseous and desperately hungry at the same time for most of the day. I threw up once. Add on the fact that I thought my breasts may actually pop off of my chest from pain/pressure and you can imagine how shitty I felt. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it if I get a healthy baby out of this. I would gladly be sick every day for 9 months if I got to hold my child at the end of it. I truly do mean that.

Oh, and apparently progesterone makes me crave tacos. It was like this last month as well, but the craving has increased this month. I have had tacos 4 times in the last week and a half. I pounded down three tacos at a really good local Mexican place last night and threw one taco up when I got home. And what did I wake up craving again? Yes, tacos...apparently even up-chucking tacos does not make that craving go away. If I am pregnant, I am pretty sure a Mexican baby will pop out!

Prometrium...my best friend and my worst enemy

When your prized possessions
start to weigh you down

Today I am 7dpo and the progesterone is kicking my butt. I actually felt pretty good yesterday...bloat and fatigue seemed to go away. I had a lovely acupuncture treatment last night with a few new points which felt very relaxing.


This morning my temp is high and my breasts are so sore. Additionally, I have some lovely nausea that is affecting me this morning. I am carrying on as usual, but it is definitely a bit more challenging to be active today.

Prometrium...I LOVE that you give me a normal LP, but could you take it easy on the symptoms...it's killing me today!

Exhausted...

Two of us wearing raincoats
Standing solo
In the sun
You and me chasing paper
Getting nowhere
On our way back home

Today I feel totally depleted of all my energy. I was also a little nauseous this morning. Oh, the lovely side effects of progesterone. And with the fatigue, sore breasts and nausea comes my usual bout with negativity. It sucks to think I might put my body through all of this only to have the same end result. NEGATIVE.

I am trying hard to banish my negative feelings. I wear a pendent around my neck. I haven't removed it since I started wearing it months ago. It says patience. It is a reminder. I am trying really hard to have patience, but sometimes it is a struggle. Especially when all I want to do is curl up in bed and go back to sleep. There are a million things that I should be doing tonight, but honestly, I have a feeling all I am going to do is maybe walk the dog, eat some dinner, and then head to bed. Sleep is the only thing that sounds good to me.

We're going to...

Disney!!




I booked our trip on Friday. After a lot of consideration about where we want to travel to next, we decided on Disney. We want to explore Disney as adults and hopefully our next trip to Disney will be with our child. I am super excited to explore Epcot, relive old memories in Magic Kingdom, and just relax. It may sounds silly after our other travels to London, Ireland, etc, but it just sounds like so much fun right now. We can relax or be as active as we wish.

We find it helpful in our IF journey to have other non-baby related things to look forward to. That is why we have been planning trips even though we are TTC. Our trip to London last year gave us something to look forward to when Dh's count came back poorly. Disney is our next thing to look forward to if DH's count comes back poorly again. It just helps to know we have an escape coming up in the future when we are down and out.

Rock Star

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star

First of all, I want to say my hubby is a rockstar...working through adverse conditions all in the name of having a baby. Despite a long day, he performed his duties like a champ. He totally made up for all the times that I was ovulating and he was sick/injured/too tired.

And my body is working like a rock star this month as well. I think I ovulated on DAY 14! Yippee! Don't know if it is the progesterone from last month or the new acupuncture points, but I'll just take it. If I ovulated yesterday, then I will begin my progesterone supplements on Sunday.

Like usual, I don't expect anything to come of all of our hard TTC work, but if there is any month that we might have a sliver of a chance, it's this month. Why? Because my estimated due date would be June 9, 2011 and my brother is getting married on June 17th and I am in his wedding. God's sick sense of humor would probably make me go into labor on his wedding day.

I feel like a chicken popping out an egg

Well, it is day 13 and I have a peak reading on my monitor. I usually don't get a + reading for at least a few more days, so it looks like I might be ovulating early this cycle. Of course my body is ovulating on the day when hubby has to go into work at 3:00am for a ride-along in one of the company trucks and I am working both jobs. We'll see if any "action" will happen tonight or if we are both too tired. I only seem to pop eggs out at the most inconvenient times. Oh well...we don't know if any sperm is being produced anyway.

We'll see when I actually ovulate...but at least all the signs are there earlier than usual. I don't know if it was the new points in my acupuncture session or the progesterone last cycle, or just a fluke...but I'll take it.

Happy Birthday, Grandpop!

They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

It's my grandfather's 87th birthday today! We're going to head over to their apartment in the senior community and go to the dining room with them for dinner. We'll follow that with cake and ice cream at their apartment. We were going to take them out to dinner, but my grandfather has a lot of issues being out and about these days. Part of it is that he went through radiation therapy for prostate cancer which made him lose total control of his bowels. Part of it is that he can't hear very well any more. And part of it is that his memory is fading and he gets quite confused in new places. We figured the security of a meal within his senior village would make him more comfortable so he can relax and actually enjoy his birthday rather than being confused and nervous about what might happen.

Of course at the same time I am getting ready to ovulate. I got a high reading on my monitor this morning and from the signs I am having I think I will be ovulating sometime within the next few days. Hubby "took care of business" last night. Tonight we'll be with my grandparents. Tomorrow morning he has to be at work by 4:00am for a "ride-along" in one of his company's trucks. Needless to say, I don't think he will be in the mood. And that will probably be the day I ovulate. C'est la vie!

I truly hope that I get pregnant soon. I really do want to be able to tell my grandfather that he is going to be a great-grandfather while he still remembers me. I know that it would make him so happy to be able to hold his first great-grandchild. Hopefully, his memory and health will hold out through this whole infertility process. He is truly a magnificent man who is a very special part of my life. I would love to give him this special gift while he can still enjoy it. I know my grandmother would be over the moon as well. Last year, when she was coming out of that twilight anesthetic from a colonoscopy, she was asking my mom if I was going to have a baby soon because she really wants to hold a little baby again. I want to give that to her...as well as having this baby for myself, of course.

In other news, hubby and I were asked to be in my brother's June wedding! We're so excited for them and to share that special day with them. It's hard to believe that my baby brother is getting married and moving away. I am really going to miss him, but at the same time, I am truly happy that he found his life partner.

Lucky girl...

Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful partner in this whole infertility gig. My husband is a wonderful, strong man. He picks me up when I am too broken by IF to continue on. He brings a heating pad to bed for me when my belly is bloated from PMS and progesterone. When I am too tired to do much of anything (either from work, PMS, or life in general), he makes me dinner and puts me to bed. He puts up with all my whining and never once tells me to shut my trap.

I am so lucky...and I know it!

I'm only sleeping...

When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream (float up stream)

I have having an extraordinarily difficult time waking up this morning. I know its just because I had an extremely busy weekend. I worked at the restaurant until 10:30 on Saturday Night. Sunday hubby and I used a chemical stripper on our vinyl kitchen floor and resealed it. Monday was filled with family get togethers and preparing for another week at work.

See why I am so tired? On top of that I have my period (which actually seems to be disappearing quickly...could it be possible to have a period that is less than 7 to 8 days long! Yippee!) Anyway, needless to say, I may have to resort to some sort of caffeinated beverage in order to wake up. I am not one to usually do something like that, but I am falling asleep in my chair at work.

Tonight's plan is exercise, eat, go to bed. I think that is all I have the time and energy for. This week also begins the "Better You" plan in our household. We're getting back to exercising and eating correctly. My goal is to make a healthy dinner for us each night and for us to exercise at least 3x this week. We'll eventually start doing more, but for now, we'll start off this way. We used to be great about doing both of these things, but lately we have slipped off that slippery slope back into couch potatoes. If we're going to have kids, we're going to have to be healthy. So that means back to working out and eating right!

Who knew?

I started my period this morning. I could actually tell it was my period and not have to second guess "is this heavy spotting or is this the start of my period?" It's been a long time since I have had a clear cut period. Usually I spot so much during my luteal phase that it is hard to determine the point where it is no longer heavy spotting and really the start of Aunt Flow. I would go back and forth...maybe it's just heavy spotting...maybe its my period...I drove myself crazy.

I kind of vaguely remember life being this way...you know...back when I was 18 and still had a normal cycle. Long before the pill, nuvaring, and trying to conceive. A time when I could just say...hey, my period started.

Who knew life could be this easy?

Nesting...not just for pregnant women

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps




I must be getting my period in the next few days because today I have the urge -no- compulsion -no- obsession to nest badly. All I can think of is what I want to clean, what I need to paint, what I must organize. And while I am sitting at work, I am getting upset by the fact that I cannot do these things right now. Yes, I am actually feeling panicky because I cannot clean my house.

I always get this to some degree just before I get my period. Usually it is a milder version where I just go home and clean my house. Today I am just feeling like I have to do it NOW and it is all I can think about.

I swear to God I'm not completely crazy. A little crazy, yes, but not as nutty as I sound in this post. I just go completely insane every few months. I have a feeling my body coming down off of progesterone has something to do with this. I can only hope that my period starts before the Labor day weekend or I may drive hubby insane!

My husband is really in for it when I am finally pregnant and nesting. I have a feeling it will start the day I conceive and continue for the next 18 years.

See nesting isn't just for pregnant women.

A new start

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where will it go

Well, I made it to 14dpo without getting my period. That is a HUGE deal for me. I haven't had a "normal" cycle since I came off the Nuvaring over 20 months ago. Instead I have had an 8 day luteal phase regardless of WHEN I ovulate (early in the cycle or late in my cycle.)

I tested this morning and got what I expected...a Big Fat Negative. But at least I had some progress this month and that this the silver lining to today.

I am working a lot right now. Long hours at my normal job. Still working my part time job on Saturday nights. The last few weeks I have been thinking maybe we're getting to the time when I need to give up that part time job. I am pretty darn tired of constantly working and only having one day off. I mean, I enjoy the job, but I also enjoy being able to do something on the weekend other than work. What keeps me there? Well, I am not sure how much our infertility treatment costs will be. I am not sure if the medication my hubby needs will be covered by insurance. And I don't want to knock out a potential way to cover said medication if we have to pay out of pocket. So, I'm going to keep on working all these hours and reevaluate after the New Year.

Two week wait hell...

You'd say I'm putting you on, but it's no joke
It's doing me harm, you know I can't sleep
I can't stop my brain, you know it's three weeks
I'm going insane

Days 8, 9, and 10...I was spotting pretty good. I wasn't sure if the progesterone wasn't working or if this is just something that should happen when I usually have my period. The nurse called me back and told me that it was normal and don't worry about it.

After reading online that prometrium can be taken either orally or vaginally, I switched to taking it vaginally. Some people think it is more effective this way as it when taken orally a lot of progesterone is lost as the liver breaks it down. I started taking the medication vaginally and then the spotting stopped.

I have had some very sore breasts and cramping over the last few days, but luckily AF has stayed away. I don't expect a BFP, but it is nice to have a normal cycle length for once!

Tomorrow I think I am going to test. I don't expect anything. I just have to before I discontinue the medication. Damn I hate the 2 week wait...I have all these symptoms which I am pretty sure are the progesterone. I know our chances are slim to none, but I still can't help but have a TINY sliver of hope.

Progesterone...my little friend

If you're down he'll pick you up, doctor robert
Take a drink from his special cup, doctor robert
Doctor robert, he's a man you must believe,
Helping everyone in need
No one can succeed like doctor robert

Friday I went to the doctor and spoke to him about starting progesterone in my luteal phase to extend my cycle and prevent spotting. His answer was a resounding yes. So, I will be taking progesterone starting 2 days past ovulating from now on. I take them at bed time because of how sleepy they will make me.

So, I've been taking them for 3 days now. So far, no spotting! They are making me a bit drowsy, but I also had some sleeping issues over the weekend. We were at the shore and I just couldn't get comfortable in the bed I was in and slept like poo. Additionally, today I am feeling a little nauseous, but nothing I can't handle. From what I understand from the other girls on a board I frequent, expect early pregnancy symptoms while I am on these pills. As long as I don't spot and I have a normal cycle, I can handle ANYTHING. And at least now I feel like I have a chance (on my end of things) for a pregnancy to occur.

Tired and the journey is just beginning...

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I know that we are just beginning our journey with IF. It just seems to overwhelming and tiring today. We're already into the TTC thing 20 months. Its another 2 months until hubby gets another SA and will begin treatments. We have no idea if or when the treatments may work to bring his SA numbers back up. And that doesn't even include all of my issues. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if I can start progesterone supplements while I wait for hubby's SA to get to the point where we can do an IUI as I am tired of spotting all the time. I literally feel like there is one week out of every month where I don't bleed or spot. It's getting tiresome. Especially since my cycles are about 23 days long right now.

Today I am just tired from work, infertility, life... and I know we have a long way to go. Do I think we will eventually have a child in our life? Yes. For some reason the month of July is just stuck in my head...don't know if it is when my child will be born or if maybe we will conceive next July. I don't even know if July has anything to do with it...maybe I am just making up a month in my head so that in my mind there will be an end to all of this. I just don't know. All I know is that I want to be a mom. I feel it from the deepest depths of my soul. And that is why the thought of never being a mom (biological or adoptive) scares the hell out of me.

So today, I am going to throw myself into other things. I am going to take the dog for a walk. I am going to make a nice dinner for my husband. I am going to clean the house. I am going to exercise. I am going to do something that isn't related to TTC.

Why is it...

that hubby always gets sick just as I'm about to ovulate? (sigh) I feel bad for the guy. I think its just allergies kicking in, but he has a sore throat and congestion. And of course, my TTC obsessed mind is just screaming "No, not now! You can be sick in a couple of days...I'm ovulating NOW!" But of course I would never say that to him. It's not his fault he's not feeling well and quite frankly we don't know that he has any sperm in there anyway.

(Sigh) Why does life always work this way?

Blah Friday...

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

I don't know why, I am just having a down day. I am waiting to ovulate, but I honestly don't think that this cycle will be any different than the others. It will end in spotting and disappointment. Hubby and I are doing our thing and maybe one day we'll have a nice surprise at the end of a cycle, but today, I just don't feel optimistic. Hell, at this point, I don't even feel like I am going to ovulate any time soon. Today I just wish I could stay st home and lounge around in my PJS, eat ice cream, and watch terrible Lifetime movies that make my life look like a cake walk.

I had a good acupuncture appointment. I definitely felt a lot of swirling and heaviness in my body, particularly my pelvic area. I told my acupuncturist that I am seeing my doctor next week about progesterone supplements and he doesn't seem to happy with that. I think he wants me to hold off and see if the herbs work, but I have been trying that. My gut is that I need these supplements to have a normal cycle, so I am going with my gut and asking my doctor if I can start them now instead of waiting for my IUI. I am tired of the spotting and short cycles. I am just tired. Acupuncture has been great for making me ovulate earlier, but it hasn't helped with the spotting. I am tired of living this way. Now I have to see if my doctor agrees, but if he is okay with it, I am starting the progesterone. It can't hurt to try, right?

Additionally, I think I am feeling a little nervous/upset with the thought of going to my nephews 3rd birthday party. I just feel so out of place there. Everyone else is a mom, talking about mom things. I am literally the only one without kids. And it hurts to stand there and listen to them. I will go for my nephew...I LOVE him to pieces, but honestly, I just don't want to stay long. I know its not good to be in my little shell too much, but sometimes I have to do it to protect me. Sometimes it just hurts too much to be WITH everyone else in their fertile world. We're supposed to go to the shore with hubby's family the following weekend. Honestly, I just don't want to go. I am sure I will have fun with the kids, but I just feel like being selfish right now and not going. There is tension because of family drama that I just don't want to deal with. My mother-in-law tends to be controlling. The kids remind me of what I am missing in my life. Maybe I will feel better about it next week, but right now, the thought of going makes me want to cry.

Moving forward...

After careful thought, I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss my using progesterone supplements. We were originally going to wait until DH's SA was good enough for an IUI, but we don't know when that will be and I am being driven crazy with all the spotting. I feel like I bleed 3 out of 4 weeks and it is just unacceptable to me. I just want to stop spotting. So, I made an appointment for next week. Hopefully, he will agree with my request and I can start the supplements this month.

In other news, it's my nephew's 3rd birthday today. We are so happy that he is in our lives and can't wait to give him the gift we made him. We wrote and illustrated our own storybook for him. It features him and his baby brother as trash men who save the town from a huge mess! He loves trash trucks, so this will hopefully be a good gift for him. Happy birthday, little boy! Keep on dreaming!

And we're back to the beginning

The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again

Well, another cycle has ended...only a 9 day LP. I don't know why it was so long the previous time and this time it was only 9 days long, but there is no use in crying over it. Unfortunately, Aunt Flow brought some nasty visitors with her--Mr. Bloat, Ms. Moody, and Mrs. Big Boob. I have been seriously uncomfortable. I can't wait for this to go away so I can start to feel human again.

In other news, my hubby has been working his new job for 2 weeks now. So, far, he is loving it! It is so nice to see him come home a happy, working man! We are fortunate that this job is so close to home. Maybe God meant for him to find a job closer to home before we bring a little one into this world.

I feel blessed that God has provided for us throughout hubby's lay-offs. Altogether it was almost a year that he wasn't working. (3 months...then he worked for 3 months...then was laid off for a second time for 7 months.) We are so fortunate that during that time we were still able to pay the bills and have health coverage(thank goodness we had health insurance through my job!)God is good!

Just the usual

As usual, I am waiting to see what happens with my cycle. More specifically, I am waiting to see if my luteal phase decides to be long enough. Right now, I am exhausted. I had a little red spotting this morning, but it has changed to brown this afternoon. I have had headaches and light cramps for the last two days. And my breasts are HUGE and painful right now. None of this things are unusual for pre-AF. I just keep praying that AF stays away for awhile.

Oddly enough, I had a dream I was pregnant last night. In the dream, my pregnancy test was positive. We spent the evening with our nephews last night...it always leaves me wishing we had a child our own...no surprise I dreamed about being pregnant. I just hope that it one day becomes true.

Huh?

So I thought I ovulated on Day 14 and that is when FF gave me crosshairs. Yesterday I had a WHOLE lot of brown bleeding. Today, I punched in my temp and it switched my ovulation date to day 16. So, I am not sure exactly what day I ovulated on, but I ovulated and the brown spotting appears to have gone away...hopefully it will stay away for awhile longer! i don't think I am going to be pregnant this month as I don't think any of the factors which caused our infertility have changed, but we certainly gave it a good try.

I have acupuncture tonight. I cannot wait to just chill out.

Cry baby cry
Make your mother sigh
She's old enough to know better.

I ovulated on Day 14 (yes!) only to start to have some heavy brown spotting 4 days past ovulation. It feels like my period will be here any second. (sigh) I just wish I could have a normal cycle. I don't know why I get excited when I see improvement one cycle...it usually means the next one is going to shit.

Family...can't live with them...can't live without them

I don't like you
But I love you
See that I'm always
Thinking of you

Hubby has been dealing with some family issues lately...particularly his relationship with his parents. There is a long family history, but essentially he feels very judged by them and like they don't listen or care about things going on in his life. They do have a tendency to be very controlling. Every conversation is all about them and if it is about you, then it is what you should be doing in their eyes. Last week his sister and mom had a fight which brought all of these old feelings up in him again. In the past, he has just kept them at a distance, but he is worried that if we do have a child, how he can handle having them in his child's life but not trying to take over his life. He is also feeling guilty that he would much rather spend time with my parents than his.

Hubby started his job this week, so the first few days of the week were consumed with new job jitters and pushed the thoughts of his family issues to the side. Yesterday, it all came flooding down on him. He ended up ditching acupuncture and just spent some time alone sorting out what he is feeling.

My mom has had similar issues with her father, so I suggested he go talk to her to see how she deals with it. I think talking to her helped some. She also made the suggestion that hubby and his sister go to counseling together to figure out the best way to handle their parents. Obviously we can't make them change, we can only change how we deal with them. And hubby wants to make sure he doesn't repeat the same mistakes his parents made if and when we do have a child.

I am praying hard for healing for my hubby and his family. I hate to see him so torn up.

Well said...

"...each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" -Laura Bush, Ladies' Home Journal, June 2010

I had no idea that Laura Bush (and many other famous presidential women) dealt with infertility. Laura was able to put into words what I think many of us feel...that emptiness that other people who have children just don't understand.

If only it were as simple as this...

I may have to pick this shirt up one day.

Another day in paradise

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me.

It never ceases to amaze me how hopeful I am at the beginning of a new cycle. I don't know if it is that way for other women suffering from infertility. For me there is a feeling of hope at the beginning of each cycle...like my cycle is just going to fix itself and hubby's sperm count will be just fine. Then after I ovulate, the hope tends to go down the tubes once the spotting starts.

But for now, I am hopeful. Right now I am thinking about what our baby would look like, etc.

It was a tough week emotionally last week. There is fighting going on in hubby's family. I was tired and cranky from dealing with people at work. And quite frankly, I was just ready for a day off. I had worked the last 13 days in a row. Friday night we babysat and had a wonderful time with the kids. Sunday I just relaxed. It was lovely.

We have our nephew's baptism this week and I am just hoping that too many people won't be doing the whole "you know..it's your turn to produce offspring" thing. It gets old fast..and I am a little sensitive. My usual MO is to just keep busy with the kids and not hang out with the adults too much.

I started using the fertility monitor this month. We'll see if it is able to predict my cycle. From what I understand, it can take a few months to learn your cycle. Hopefully this isn't a complete waste of money. I've had a HIGH reading for the last 2 days...hopefully I will get a peak reading soon. Hubby and I do want to keep trying. Even if it doesn't result in a baby...at least we feel like we are doing something rather than just waiting.

Another cycle done...with some improvement

I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
Yes I admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine

Well, Aunt Flow finally made her appearance on Saturday about half an hour before I went off to work. (Why does that always happen before I work a shift at the restaurant?) Although I had TONS of spotting, my luteal phase was better...it was 11 days long...a big improvement from the 8 day luteal phase I have been having. I am not sure if it was acupuncture or herbs or just a fluke, but I will take it. At least it is an improvement. Now if I could do that next month without all the spotting, I'd be a happy girl!

I had a lucrative weekend at work. If I am going to work all weekend and forgo a day off, then I want it to at least be worth my time...and this weekend it was. I had a lot of really nice people and some cute kids in my section. I also got a ton of compliments about my service which always makes me feel good.

Friday night we met my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and my nephews for dinner. My oldest nephew insisted we come to "his" house after dinner, which we did. We played and had a good time. We're babysitting this Friday...we look forward to hanging out with the kids.

Just when you think you know you're cycle...

Waiting, waiting,
it seems so useless,
I know it's wrong
to keep on...

I've been having a ton of spotting this cycle. And while it is discouraging, it's not that unusual. I have had some pretty bad cycles before. Wednesday I thought that my period started...I had some very light red spotting that was borderline light flow. But, since then, the red bleeding has gone away (except when I poop)...as has most of the spotting. Now, I only occasionally get some brown spotting. So was that red bleeding my period (boo!)? Am I actually just having a longer LP for some reason (yippee!)? I still feel like AF might start at any minute. And my boobs...man they hurt. I believe we have hit an all time record with a new size as well. I mean, they always, get tender and grow, but this is definitely one of the worse months for it. I have also been super gassy. Once again, not unusual...I get bloated/gassy and have boob pain/swelling EVERY month.

I took a pregnancy test today for the hell of it today (11dpo if that wasn't my period.) I know our chances are pretty much zero, but I have had one in my closet for over a year now...I have to use it or it will expire soon. It was negative, just as I thought it would be. I know that I shouldn't have any hope for a BFP this month for a LOT of reasons, but I can't help but have a little glimmer of hope this month. I'm trying not to let it get the better of me.

Now that I have written this, the cursed witch will probably show up this afternoon. (Sigh) I wish I knew what the hell was going on with my cycle. It drives me crazy!

The weight of infertility

Boy, you're gonna Carry That Weight
Carry That Weight a long time

Some days just truly suck. Some days it feels like I am carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. Today 2 different people announced their pregnancies on facebook. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach...especially since one of them is a total jerk. It always makes me wonder...why can't we have our own kid? I know for a fact that both of them started trying after us. I know that life isn't fair, but sometimes you just want it to be. You want a "get a baby" line formed and it should be a guarantee if you put in the time and effort and file through that line you should get a baby at the end. I just am afraid that I will never get to say the words "Hey mom, you're gonna be a grandmom!" I am afraid that I will never get to know what it feels like to have a baby in my belly.

Most days I am full of hope. Today I am just tired. I have been spotting for about 5 days now. I think my period is starting today (but I've thought that for the last 4 days.) My breasts hurt and are huge. My bra is cutting into me. I would not mind any of this if it meant I would get a baby at the end, but I know it is just another month of disappointment.

The worst part is that I know I will never be able to just "relax" through any pregnancy I may experience. I am always going to be afraid of losing a baby. Today I feel robbed of any innocence I once had.

Feeling weird

Sunrise doesn't last all morning.
A cloudburst doesn't last all day.

I'm sure I am not pregnant. So don't think that. I am thinking I am having some sort of hormonal shift...hopefully for the better...that or I have a UTI on the way. I have been peeing a ton in the last 2 days. No pain or anything, so I haven't rushed to the doctor with a UTI cry of panic! (Oh, yes, I have had many a UTI in my day.) My breasts are also quite sore. That started last night. This afternoon, I just randomly want to cry. I've also had a little random cramping here and there with 1 day of spotting...maybe some post ovulation pain or a cyst.

I had a really good acupuncture session last night. I felt such a swirling in my body and heaviness in my pelvic region. I am not sure if it is related to what I am feeling. Maybe it kick started my system. The only thing I hope to get out of this is a longer LP. Unfortunately 18 cycles have turned me into a bitter woman and I just don't believe that will happen. At least I am now ovulating on day 17 now! Yippee! That is something I never thought would happen without drugs.

In other news, my hubby has sent away all of his hiring paperwork, so hopefully he will get a call shortly with his start date. It's such a relief to not have to worry about unemployment!

Thank you, God!

Little darling
I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Hubby got a job offer today! He has been unemployed for 6 months now. I cannot even tell you how relieved and happy I feel right now. I am walking on a cloud! The job doesn't pay as much, but it so close to home and they will be giving him some vacation days to start off with, so he will be able to make his follow-up fertility appointment in October.

Yesterday's appointment and this good news today makes me feel like things are finally changing for the better...like all of these struggles may finally be coming to an end. I feel so blessed by God right now. Do we still have a hard road ahead of us...yup. But I feel that we can do it!

God, I don't know what your plan is for us, but thank you for lifting the heavy burden on our shoulders. I know that you will never give me more than I can handle and I was contemplating the other day just how much more I could take. Thank you for hearing my cries and relieving some of this pain. Please continue to guide us in our quest for parenthood. I know anything is possible through you.

I bought this...

So, I broke down and bought the damn fertility monitor. Not that I think its really going to show anything different than the opk. I am just tired of holding my pee in the afternoon so that I can take an OPK when I get home from work. With this monitor, I will be able to use FMU. We'll see if I end up liking it, but I am desperate and at this point, I'll do anything.

Damn, infertility...makes you buy all these things that will later sit useless in the closet!

Follow-up with good-old Gyno

So every day we'll be happy I know
Now I know that you won't leave me no more

It won't be long yeh, yeh, yeh
It won't be long yeh, yeh

I had a follow-up appointment with my gyno today. I haven't seen him since last November or December when he prescribed 100mg of clomid. At that point we found out that hubby's sperm count did not return. We've spent all this time trying to get hubby's issues on the right track, so it's time for me to start looking at my LPD.

I brought hubby along this time to meet the doctor. We sat down and discussed everything that has happened in the last 6 months and what the course of treatment will be for my husband. Then we discussed what needs to happen for me. At this point, he wants to hold off doing an HSG until we have a good enough number for an IUI. When we get a good enough SA, I'll schedule the HSG. He is referring me to a friend of his, an RE, who can do an IUI for us when we have good enough numbers. Although I still have to meet with the RE, he predicts we will probably do 100mg of clomid + progesterone supplements for the IUI as my P4 levels were only 8.6 (low, but showing that I did ovulate). The doctor was very reassuring. He said assuming hubby's numbers come back (which chances are pretty good according to both my doctor and hubby's), he thinks we will be able to have our own child. It's always good to hear that news.

My doctor also was able to refer us to a local lab where hubby can give the deposit he needs to for the SA. It will avoid us a long train ride and just be easier for us to schedule.

My doctor also told me to keep going to acupuncture. He said acupuncture can do great things and that he has patients that have gotten pregnant through acupuncture. So, keep on going...especially since I seem to be ovulating earlier in my cycle with the acupuncture. (Twice I have ovulated on day 17 instead of day 20+). And the doc also said to keep on trying on our own in the meantime...he said maybe as hubby's numbers come up, things will work out on their own. But at least we have a plan for the future. It makes me feel better!

As for acupuncture, I have graduated to every other week now. My acupuncturist thinks that should be adequate. It will save us some serious cash. He thinks hubby would benefit from weekly right now as he is transitioning off the meds, but hubby should be able to go to every other week in a month or so. Yippee!

Long sleepless night

It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log

Poor hubby has now entered the dangerous emotional crazy zone that I am in. My period has left me feeling quite tired and emotional this month. Unfortunately, at the same time, hubby's testosterone detox has also entered the emotional stage. The two of us can burst into tears at any time for no apparent reason. We can also get angry in about 2 seconds flat. Luckily, my symptoms should be gone in a few days...hopefully it will be the same for hubby. As he said, "I now know how a woman feels once a month..."

Last night neither of us slept. It wasn't because either of us are worried or anything. Poor hubby had a severe headache from heat and testosterone withdrawal. I kept tossing and turning from the heat, cramps, and nightmares. At one point I believe we were both crying. I have a new rule...only one of us can be hormonal at a time. On the upside, I think we are doing a good job of just giving each other the space and support when it is needed even though we both feel like poop.
We're both exhausted today. Hopefully, acupuncture will help both of us tonight. If nothing else, it should help us to sleep better.

On the way home, I want to grab a care package for our friends. Our friend Natalie is in premature labor. She is only 30 weeks along, so we're all praying that they can hold off labor for awhile longer and give the baby a better chance. She had her first child quite early as well...I believe 8 weeks. I want to make up a little care package of magazines, chocolate, and a card to help her through her hospital stay.

On the upside, hubby has another job interview next week. Hopefully, it will be THE one.

6 years....

Good day sunshine, good day sunshine, good day sunshine

I need to laugh, and when the sun is out, I've got something I can laugh about

I feel good, in a special way, I'm in love and it's a sunny day

Good day sunshine, good day sunshine, good day sunshine

Saturday marked our wedding anniversary. We have been married for 6 years now. It's so hard to believe. We've been through so much in those six years...good and bad...losing people we loved to cancer, three moves, buying our first home, becoming an aunt and uncle, saying goodbye to our first dog, raising a puppy together, job loss, and now infertility...

I feel truly blessed to have such a warm, caring, compassionate partner in life. I know that no matter what may come, we're in it together. On the days when I am weak and tired from infertility, my husband lifts me up and tells me we WILL have a family. And on the days he is too tired, I do the same for him.

I love you, baby! I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you!

Withdrawal

If you are down he'll pick you up, Doctor Robert
Take a drink from his special cup, Doctor Robert
Doctor Robert, he's a man you must believe
Helping every one in need

My poor hubby is going through the withdrawal effects of stopping the testosterone. The doctor told him he would probably be a bit miserable while his body adjusts and he was not lying. Hubby has been feeling a bit dizzy and a bit "out of body." He had the same effects when he went on testosterone. Hopefully, by the end of the week, he'll be feeling better!

I love you, honey! I thank you for doing all of this for our family.

Things I LOVE...

my nephews...

We stopped by to see my sister-in-law and nephews after our appointment on Friday. The oldest was taking a nap, but we got to see the baby. He was just smiling and talking away at us! Holding him I just felt so much love! Nothing beats that feeling.

The oldest called his Uncle (my hubby) to thank him for a book he dropped off and to tell hubby that "going poop on the potty is tricky." He's almost 3 and has just started the potty training process...that kid always makes me laugh!

Things I want...

I don't think this fertility bracelet has any magic powers or anything, but its pretty and it can't hurt...right? It was an expensive week last week...dog got sick, central air died and needed to be fixed, etc, so I don't even want to spend $10 right now, but maybe next paycheck I will go for it!

Another wait

You left me waiting here a long, long time ago.
Don't keep me standing here, lead me to your door.

We finally went to the male infertility specialist at the University of Pennsylvania hospital on Friday. We waited almost 6 months to get in. We hopped the train early in the morning and were right on time for our appointment.

The doctor(Dr. H) was very friendly and thoughtful. He carefully went through all of hubby's medical records and asked questions. He basically told us that the urologist did things the wrong way. First of all, Dr S, the urologist, should have been testing and retesting hubby's testosterone before he put hubby on any medication. Dr. S should never have gone off of one low test. Secondly, Dr. S should have never have put hubby on testosterone replacement therapy knowing we were trying to conceive. And in particular, he shouldn't have put hubby on testopel since not much is really known about it yet.

At first, Dr H didn't think hubby had hypogonadism, but when hubby said that he has been getting more hair on his body with the testosterone replacement therapy, it changed his mind. Dr H explained that you won't have any more hair than you are genetically programmed to have with testosterone therapy. Basically, he said he thinks hubby went 99% of the way through puberty, but his body for some reason didn't complete that last 1%. Thus the reason he is finally getting hair on his chest. So hubby probably does have hypogonadism but a more mild form of it.

So what is next? Hubby has to go off the testosterone replacement therapy that he was on to maintain testosterone levels. After being off of this for 8 weeks, hubby has to go get a blood test for 2 months. This is to establish what his baseline levels are...something that the urologist should have done a long time ago. Then, in that second month, Dr H wants hubby to get a follow-up SA to see where that stands. Finally, we will return for an appointment on October 28. The doctor speculates that at that time, he will have enough information to start hubby on HCG injections. It will basically trigger his own body to produce testosterone and sperm. It will be a 2 to 3 time a week self-injection. Dr H said he will teach him how to do it. When asked what success rates are like, Dr H said he is pretty confident that he can restore Hubby's fertility to what it was...approximately 40 million.

So, now we are once again waiting...but at least we have a plan for hubby's treatments. Hubby looked so relieved. I think he thought we would hear that there was no hope.

Unfortunately, as the doctor predicted, stopping the testosterone has made hubby feel pretty crummy over the last 3 days. He is dizzy and light-headed. That is what he felt when he was starting the testosterone so it makes sense. Hopefully, he'll be feeling better soon. And I have to do something about myself soon...a visit to the gyno or an RE...leaning towards the RE. Of course every time I think acupuncture isn't working, I see some progress. I ovulated on Day 17 again this month. We'll see what the luteal phase is like.

And then we came home...

How do you do
what you do to me?
I'm feeling blue,
wish I knew how you do it to me
but I haven't a clue.

Well, after a lovely 3 days at the shore, I came back to crap. First night back the central air stopped working (in the middle of a heatwave). We got that fixed yesterday only to wake up this morning to the dog having blood in her pee. If things come in threes, then I am most scared to do to hubby's specialist appointment tomorrow.

I need to relax...I know...it's just been a very costly week. And I am totally scared of the news we may get tomorrow.

Waiting...

Life is very short
And there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend

Well, nothing too exciting to report here. Hubby is still looking for a job. We're still waiting to go to the specialist. And above all, we're still in the same infertile position as before. Last cycle was a wash...literally the same cycle as I always have. Hopefully this cycle will show some improvement.

At some point, I am going to have to make a decision on how long to stick with acupuncture. Financially, it's a burden. However, while my luteal phase hasn't improved yet, I am feeling better (less tired, etc.) I am not sure at what point I decide that the acupuncture isn't worth the amount of money I am sinking into it.

I hate how much indecision infertility adds to things. With each step we take we second guess ourselves and wonder if we are doing the right thing. At least the specialist appointment is coming up. Once we know what is going on with DH's side of things, then I will look into getting into an RE for my side of things.

Good luck!

My hubby has a second interview today for a job that he really wants! I so hope that he gets it! I'm sending you all the good luck energy I have in my body, baby! I know you can land this job!

Mother's Day

I was alone, I took a ride
I didn't know what I would find there
Another road where maybe i
Could see another kind of mind there

It was a busy weekend. We babysat our nephews on Friday night. We always love to spend time with them. They make us laugh and remember why we are going through all of these tests and trials...so that one day we can have kids like them! Saturday night was a busy night at the restaurant. I didn't get home until close to midnight...needless to say, I slept in on Sunday.

Sunday...Mother's Day. We took my mom out to breakfast. I think she really enjoyed being able to spend time with us. When we got back I went to the grocery store for a few last minute items. The combination of the restaurant and the grocery store just seemed to bring me down. Everywhere I looked there were smiling moms with their kids. It was like an exclusive club that I am not allowed to join. And I so desperately want to. I want to be able to talk about how I didn't get any sleep last night because the baby kept me up, or the new milestones that the baby has achieved. I want to watch this little person develop their own personality...to see what they like and dislike. And right now...that just seems so far away. So, I had a little cry when I got back from the grocery store. Then I took a shower and pulled myself together before going over to my sister-in-law's for a Mother's Day dinner. There, once again, I played with my nephews. I am the only woman there who was not a mother and it was a bit painful...not because of anything anyone said or did...just because of my own awareness. But, I had a good time with family and friends. I don't want to hide or not participate...I don't want infertility to keep me from enjoying life. So I make myself get out there and do things...even if they aren't always comfortable.

The highlight of my day: When my nephew was giving me a good night hug and kiss he said "Auntie, come back and play with me later." It melted my heart that this little guy WANTED to spend time with me.

Moving forward

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It's been a week about moving forward with life. Despite a severe sinus headache, I've been trying to remain positive and not focus too much on my cycle. Instead, hubby and I have been just trying to remain focused on our relationship and keeping the spark alive. We've been spending quality time together...playing games, watching movies, hugging, kissing, and snuggling.

We both had our acupuncture appointments yesterday. Hubby's acupuncturist asked if he has been feeling more "potent" to which he answered yes. I have to say his drive has definitely been up...whether or not we make a baby, at least we're having some fun!

My acupuncturist was running behind a bit. I just chilled out and relaxed...listened to the music and fountains in the background. When he came in, Andy and I discussed how I felt (good with the exception of my headache.) He put in a number of new points this time..including a few on my head and neck for my headache. I felt like my body was buzzing all over. And the points he put in my heels were SUPER intense. I often wonder what makes some points intense on some days and not others. Hopefully, he brought on ovulation and a longer Luteal phase.

We have also told the last of our immediate family about the issues we are facing. We certainly didn't mean to wait to tell hubby's sister. Unfortunately, it was just a matter of either non-family members being around when we were with her or being interrupted by the kids when we were on the phone. Hubby said that she got quiet and told him that she was so sorry that we are going through all of this. So, that's out of the way. Now we just will continue the acupuncture and herbs and wait for June 4th.

And lastly, hubby has been out of work since January when he was laid off. He's had several interviews, but the process is going slowly with 80 people applying to one job. He got a call for a second interview today. He goes on Monday. God, I hope he gets this job...it would certainly make things a little easier!

I'm trying hard to not focus on Mother's day. It's hard when every other commercial on TV is for Mother's Day. Especially the darn Hallmark commercial. I will be going to my SIL's for Mother's Day. At least the kids will keep me distracted. I keep telling myself that good things are around the corner for us...I just know it. I keep praying for it, too!

A Crystal Ball

Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried,
Anyway you've always known the many ways I've tried, but
Still they lead me back to the long, winding road,

I wish I had a crystal ball that could allow me to know if we are meant to have biological children. It would make things so much easier rather than this constant second guessing of ourselves. Should we do this treatment? Is it worth the time and effort to bother with acupuncture? Will this specialist even be able to do something for us? Or will all of this be in vain?

There is just so much uncertainty in our lives right now. We're waiting to hear about jobs that Hubby has interviewed for. We're waiting to get into the specialist. We're waiting to see if acupuncture can help us. Some days I tire of being patient. Some days I just want us to move forward with the process so that we can have a family. I want to be a mom on a Mother's Day instead of looking at all the moms with their kids.

Another year gone...

You say it's your birthday.
It's my birthday too, yeah.
They say it's your birthday.
We're gonna have a good time.
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to party party
Yes we're going to party party
Yes we're going to party party.

It was my 31st birthday on Sunday. I thought I would be more upset that another birthday has gone by without me being a mom, but I kept myself busy and just made a point to not think anything negative. And everyone around me was so wonderful that it wasn't hard.

My birthday weekend started off with hanging out with my nephews and sister-in-law on Friday night. My sister-in-law needed an extra hand and we were happy to visit with both her and the boys. My nephews were delightful as always. The baby gave me lots of smiles and baby talk and my older nephew was SO happy to play with his aunt and uncle and even more excited when we told him we would be eating pizza with him. A big hug before bedtime just warmed my heart. If I can't have kids of my own, at least I am blessed with a wonderful relationship with my nephews!

Saturday I spent working both jobs. The girls I work with on Saturday night were so sweet. They got me a card and an ice cream cake. They made me feel so special. I am not really a birthday person, but it is nice when someone acknowledges it. When I went out to the car, there was a single rose on my windshield. My husband had stopped by and put it on my car to surprise me. There was 11 more roses in a vase when I got home!

Sunday I went to the gym and grocery shopping. I ate breakfast with my husband, mom, and Great-Aunt. I did some errands in the afternoon. Then, we went to my In-Law's house for my birthday dinner. I was greeted at the door by my nephew who told me "Happy Birthday" and gave me a dozen roses. I got to spend the evening visiting with everyone. We played trash truck and playdough, talked, laughed, and just enjoyed ourselves. It was a wonderful day!

My husband wrote in my card that by my next birthday, we'll hopefully have a bun in the oven. I hope he is right.

Oh, Aunt Flow also decided to strike with a fury on my birthday, so hopefully, she'll be exiting the house soon!

Huh?

Temperature’s rising
Fever is high
Can’t see no future
Can’t see no sky


You know my cycle has this way of making me feel like an idiot. Here I am...a few days into my period and it is still just very light bleeding. My temperature is still up (in fact, it's rather flat). And now I keep questioning whether this is light bleeding or just some REALLY heavy spotting.

Since my acupuncturist is trying to change my cycle (for the better) with herbs and acupuncture treatments, I expect some weird changes. I really do. I just feel like an idiot when I can't tell if my period has started or not. My gut is to say, yes this is my period, but I guess only time will tell. I mean, what kind of girl can't tell if she has AF?

So that leads me to what I want for my birthday: A normal cycle. One that has ovulation at the right time, a normal luteal phase, and a clear starting AF. I used to have one, but apparently I lost it somewhere in the last 8 or 9 years. I told hubby to find out where they sell those and buy a few (in case I lose one), wrap them up, and give them to me for my birthday! Sounds like a plan to me...

I'm praying for...

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Healing. Not only for me and my husband's infertility woes but also for my grandfather. My grandfather has had a troublesome month. He was taken to the hospital about a month ago for chest pains. Upon examination at the emergency room, they discovered he has congestive heart failure. A few days later, they also found a broken rib. Apparently my grandfather fell in the night and neither he nor my grandmother remembered to mention it to anyone.

Fast forward to yesterday, he and my grandmother finally got around to mentioning that my grandfather still has some pain when he walks. At first they thought it was the muscles from lack of use. But the doctors gave him an x-ray at his rehabilitation facility and discovered a fractured femur. I guess since he was on pain meds for his rib, he didn't feel pain in his leg and thus the doctors never knew about it. He spent the night in the ER getting xrays and talking to an orthopedic surgeon. My dad and mom stayed with them as sometimes my grandparents forget to mention important things like my grandfather's heart condition. At first they thought it would require a few pins...now they think that he did damage to the hip as well and will require a full hip replacement.

I pray for quick healing for him....and for us. I have an acupuncture appointment this evening, but depending on how the day goes, then I will cancel it and spend it at the hospital instead.

The Bucket List

Things you have done during your lifetime

() Gone on a blind date

() Donated Blood

(X) Skipped school

(X) Watched someone die

(x) Been to Canada

() Been to Mexico

(x) Been to Florida

() Been to Hawaii

(x) Been on a plane

() Been on a helicopter

(x) Been lost

(x) Gone to Washington , DC

() Hugged a homeless person

(x) Swam in the ocean

() Swam with Stingrays

(X) Been sailing in the ocean

(x) Cried yourself to sleep

(X) Played cops and robbers

(X) Recently colored with crayons

() Ran a marathon

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Volunteered at a soup kitchen

(x) Paid for a meal with coins only

() Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch

() Seen the Northern Lights

() Been Parasailing

(X) Been on TV

(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't

(X) Made prank phone calls

(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans

(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

(X) Fed an elephant

(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue

(X) Fired a gun

(x) Danced in the rain

() Been to the Opera

(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus

(x) Serenaded someone

() Seen a U.S. President in person

(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe

(x) Watched the sunrise with someone

() Driven a race car

(x) Been to a National Museum

(X) Been to a Wax Museum

() Eaten caviar

(x) Blown bubbles

(x) Gone ice-skating

(x) Gone to the movies

(X) Been deep sea fishing

(X) Driven across the United States

() Been in a hot air balloon

() Been sky diving

() Gone snowmobiling

() Lived in more than one country

(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets

(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish

() Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser

(X) Seen the Grand Canyon

(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty

() Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle

(X) Been on a cruise

(x) Traveled by train

() Traveled by motorcycle

(x) Been horse back riding

() Ridden on a San Francisco cable car

(x) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World

(x) Truly believe in the power of prayer

(X) Been in a rain forest

() Seen whales in the ocean

(x) Been to Niagara Falls

(X) Ridden on an elephant

() Swam with dolphins

() Been to the Olympics

() Walked on the Great Wall of China

() Saw and heard a glacier calf

() Been spinnaker flying

() Been water-skiing

(X) Been snow-skiing

(X) Been to Westminster Abbey

() Been to the Louvre

() Swam in the Mediterranean

(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game

() Been to a National Football League game

() Swam with sharks

(x) Been White Water Rafting

() Written a book or screen play